Plan B: A Conundrum

I’ve been reading, yesterday and today, about the controversy over the decision to not allow women under seventeen unrestricted access to emergency contraception. I understand that it’s controversial; hell, I even understand why. But some of what people out there are saying is just plain silly and uninformed.

What I’m reading on Facebook and Twitter and in comments at the end of articles (which I hate reading because comments are usually posted by the most insane demographic of Western inhumanity), there is a disproportionate amount of worry over eleven-and-twelve-year-old girls having access to EC while largely ignoring the populace most likely to use it: fifteen-and-sixteen-year-olds. The fact of the matter is that I don’t know what would happen to younger adolescents if they had access to EC, but I’m going to guess not a whole helluva lot. (Stay tuned) Frankly, I think that overlooking the young women who can benefit from it in favor of younger kids who are less likely to is absurd and careless.

There’s a great deal of “where are the parents” discussion, which is understandable. As a ‘teen mom’ myself, I had access to all the information in the world and a mom who was willing to help me take responsibility for my reproductive health and I made the conscious choice to blow it off and ignore what I knew. I did not want to talk to my mom about my sex life and was too nervous about all the rest of the uncertainty. It seemed to put everyone off our lunch, so I tried to avoid the subject. I don’t have to tell you how that turned out: she’s fourteen, I’m thirty-two. Our birthdays are two weeks apart. I'll leave you to do the math.

There are a lot of folks out there who say that they would talk to their kids, or that they do, and so their kids would never need EC. I say that’s great that you talk to your kids. I talk to mine, too, and have been since she was uncomfortably young. However, you can’t put a chastity belt on your young’uns. At some point they are responsible for their own choices, and our well-intentioned teachings become whatever. Talking is not enough, and sometimes the choices young people make are bound to be shitty ones. Come on, now. We’ve all made them. I know plenty of smart women who got pregnant in their twenties and thirties by being totally irresponsible. Kids don’t have the corner on bad decision-making, but our society sure likes to treat them like they do. The fact of the matter is that some kids who have sex are going to have had crappy parents, and some are not, but to assume that all young girls who get pregnant are somehow lacking in parental support is such an overextending assumption. Almost any sexually active young woman can get pregnant. An unintended pregnancy does not make a young woman uninformed, or unsupported. “Where were her parents??” Perhaps they were allowing the girl some autonomy and the opportunity to make her own decisions in life?? Please. A young girl’s pregnancy is difficult enough without your judgment. But thank you.

There are people who are concerned about what EC could do to a child as young as eleven. I’m on board with this, and I think it’s safe to say that if a child that young needed EC every one of us would hope that she is getting the help and support that she obviously needs. But just because it’s available, does that mean young kids are going to buy it and take it out of curiosity?? Because I’ve heard it suggested. I’d think they’d be more likely to reach for the Dramamine or the No-Doz, both of which I see readily accessible on drug store and gas station shelves in my neighborhood for under $10. Plan B One Step, for example, is not cheap. That’s another thing about EC: it’s expensive. Even if the costs were to go down if it were available OTC, I cannot imagine that it would suddenly become so inexpensive that a young person would pay for it when there are so many more fun and less spendy drug things to play with on the store shelves. I know eleven-year-olds who have disposable access to money, but not only are they the exception they would all be more likely to blow their $100 wad on iTunes or Starbucks. Just an observation, but when my kid leaves the house with $100 and comes home four hours later, broke, she’s buzzed on Frappuccinos and carrying shopping bags from Forever 21. We all want kids to be safe.

Shoot, kids can buy acetaminophen. A twelve-year-old could buy it and kill themselves by taking the whole bottle. We don’t put that behind the pharmacy counter, even though people can very easily die from it. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d heard of Tylenol poisoning by the time I was twelve. I had friends who slammed diet pills and diuretics by then, and they’re still available for purchase by young people. I think some of us might be looking a bit too closely at one thing right now.

Another concern that I’ve been reading about is that child molesters might encourage girls to take EC after raping them. On one hand, of course that’s horrifying. I’m pretty damn sure we can agree on that. On the other, is that child’s not getting pregnant with a rape baby somehow a bad thing?? Rapists and child molesters are going to do what they do until you and I and law enforcement and government and spirituality and social responsibility and biology itself can somehow abolish rape and child molestation. If my own child were molested, I would damn skippy encourage her to take Plan B. When grown women I know have been raped, I’ve encouraged them to do so, as well. We live in a society where women are allowed to make these choices for ourselves. This right has been in dispute for much longer than I’ve been alive to document it, but still it’s ours. Young women should be no exception. Rapists use condoms to cover their tracks. I get that there is a measure of society that believes we should restrict the distribution of condoms to young people, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with rape. Without meandering too far from the subject matter, though, that neglects the fact that sex is biological and when young people’s bodies are becoming all grown-up-like that hormonal changes are going to make them think about, and sometimes have sex whether culture says no or not. But that’s another subject for another time. Blaming the availability of contraception for any form of rape does not excuse, forgive, or otherwise legitimize the act. As long as there are predators in our neighborhoods who sexually denigrate women and girls, they’re going to find ways to manipulate their victims and cover their tracks. In the case of condoms and EC, they could also be doing the people they attack a favor (for lack of a more suitably harrowing way of putting it) by not spreading an STI or getting a victim pregnant and forcing them to make a choice that wasn’t theirs to begin with.

One individual said “you don’t know what this drug does.” Yes, I do. I’ve taken it twice. Once when I went too long between Depo shots (I was engaged to be married at the time) and once after a tragic condom mishap followed by the realization that I’d missed my BC pill for two days. I have sex sometimes, and I do my best to be smart about it. As with any medication, side effects are different for different people. Women I know have had them. I haven’t. I’m grateful for the options, like EC, that I have, and I would not wish to take them away from another woman if she felt like she needed them, no matter how young. But I do know what the drug does. Please do not assume that a woman who supports EC does not.

May I throw in a moment of slut-shaming?? Because there does seem to be a great deal of the humiliation of women, especially young women, who have sex and don’t hide it nicely. Especially when they get pregnant. I think Juno said it best when she said “you don’t have the evidence under your sweater,” or something to that effect. This is a phenomenon men don’t experience. Assuming that a young woman who gets pregnant is a slut, regardless of how she became that way, is nothing new. There still seems to be a great deal of “you did this to yourself” out there, which absolves boys of their responsibility and puts girls squarely in the slut seat. This is insane and unjust and the attitude needs to stop. It’s not going to any time soon, I understand, but forcing a girl to be pregnant against her will, when she could have chosen otherwise on her own, is fucked up regardless of how she came into the state of being.

Anyway. I’m still going to continue to be of the school of thought that all people must be educated about sex. Abstinence -only education for young people has proven itself ineffective. Blocking the availability of EC to younger women does not block the need or desire for it, but I do see why people are concerned.

The bottom line, to me, is that if we’re going to regulate every single thing that makes society uncomfortable, like the sexuality of young people, we might as well not leave the house. Don’t fly on the airlines because of terrorism, don’t go to ballgames because you might get hit with something and die, and for fuck’s sake, do not take anything that wasn’t successfully sheltered behind the pharmacist’s counter.

Sticks and Stones, Victim-Blaming and Verbal Abuse

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mohandas Gandhi

If you’ve ever had your feelings hurt by something someone said to you, then you’ve probably heard some of the clichés and platitudes some people use to protect themselves from harm (see above). You know what it is: the “don’t let it get to you” defense. While there is a time and place in life to ignore the haters and the naysayers and “be true to yourself,” or whatever, but this mindset can cross a line into a kind of victim-blaming situation. When a person in my life has become verbally abusive in the past, I’ve been told not to let it get to me. That’s all fine and happy, but how many times can a person be called a bitch and a bad mom before it starts to hurt?? I’m not made of steel, and neither are most people. Human beings, individuals or groups, use harmful tactics like verbal abuse, intimidation, and manipulation because they work; they hit the other person where they know it will hurt. It’s not the victim’s fault that they are upset when they’ve been treated badly, even when it was only with words. Just because you or I are aware that we've been low-blowed doesn't mean it will forever stop smarting.

When we’re implored by society to “buck up” and “don’t let it get to you,” it can be an excellent way of suppressing feelings rather than dealing with them. I’ve learned that the hard way. I understand that other people don’t give and damn and don’t want to make your shit their problem. Typically, it’s a miracle if your friends want to listen to you be upset for longer than about a half an hour, if you’re lucky. So, eventually we stop complaining so much and pretend to have dealt with our feelings. Last summer I had to deal with some of that anger that I stuffed down in the name of not letting it get to me. I understand now that the people who spewed their inspirational quotes didn’t actually give a rip about how I was feeling; they just wanted me to be quiet. Not happy, not better: quiet. So, I did, and of course it was my fault when I realized I was still angry after all these years when I thought I’d put it behind me.

It’s rarely that simple. The breadth of human emotion is far more complex than that and, frankly, I think that when we’ve stopped allowing what others say to affect us, we can become too quick to dismiss criticism because we don’t want to feel the weight of its effects, and that is a pretty primitive defense mechanism. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and insight into the motivations of others to know the difference sometimes, because there are times when others are trying to hurt us and times when what others say about us can show us who we really are, or who we want to be. However, handing out the idea that what other people say doesn’t ever matter is to hand out a security blanket, a placebo. It’s basic human nature that we learn about how to be human beings by watching and listening to other human beings. If what people say is all a bunch of hooey, then where does that leave us in terms of how we interact with one another?? Does what other people think only matter when they’re agreeing with us, telling us how fabulous we are, or defending us?? It’s a funny joke to say yes, but if that’s the case then why do we have friends?? Why do we fall in love, have children, develop relationships of any kind with other human beings if what they think or feel only matters when it’s convenient for us??

I understand that some people like inspiring words and sayings, like one of my current heroes RuPaul is posting on Facebook today. As much as I love quotations, I think we need to stop making excuses for ourselves while we hide under the words of others. The wisdom of people we admire can get us through tough times and make us laugh, certainly, but at what point do we need to go out in to the world and make our own wisdom?? I suppose no one actually needs to do that, especially when they can hide under the tenets they’ve been handed.

“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”
~Miguel Ruiz

Seriously?? I get that he’s supposed to be some kind of New Age spiritual leader, neoshamanist folks, but really?? The person who is immune to the opinions and actions of others is usually called a sociopath. Another quote by the same individual:

“"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally."

Way to remove yourself from any responsibility you may have in hurting another person, because that’s all that is. It’s a poor excuse for enlightenment when people actually blame the person they’ve hurt, without exception, for being hurt rather than the manipulative jerk who hurts another person on purpose. We all say the wrong thing sometimes and hurt people, and personally I find the ability to identify how what I say can affect others and being able to be sorry when I’ve hurt someone is a good thing. Personally, I think that the person who blatantly and purposefully insults me just to see me hurt is an asshole, and an even bigger asshole for trying to pass my feelings off as a character flaw. That, my friends, is a sign of a sucky human being.

Social Media as a Weapon.

Does anyone care if someone unfriends them on Facebook?? As a general rule, it’s kind of a silly thing to be upset about. However, there are those times when other people’s actions leave us scratching our heads, wondering what we’ve done wrong. When the last thing someone says to you is “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” and then next day you’re not just unfriended but blocked without a single word, it’s not a good feeling. I understand that people who engage in this sort of spiteful, manipulative behavior don't exactly have the vested interest in anyone's feelings but their own, but I'm going to examine the phenomenon anyway.

Won’t you join me??

I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter. I’m tired of my friendship being disposable. I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding my generally pessimistic outlook when it comes to my relationships with other people. I kept bringing up the numerous ways most people will stab you in the face as soon as look at you, and I kept saying “but that’s what people do.” His point was that I shouldn’t allow people to treat me that way, I should not go through life feeling that badly about myself because of something someone else did or said. But when you give a damn about another person and that's how they treat you, it hurts. “But, that’s what people do.”

Most of us use some form of social networking anymore, and anyone with any experience being online has encountered the sort of domestic cyber-terrorism I’m about to describe. There are always going to be people who will send you nasty email filled with insults they would never say to your face. People will continue to post about you where they know damn well you have access to it, saying something nasty about you without using your name for no reason but to get people to comment and say nasty things about you without them even knowing they’re talking smack right where you can read it. And, in addition, most of us have participated in it at one time or another, whether we meant to or wanted to or not.

I would not presume to say that I’m perfect and never do or say the wrong thing, by any stretch of the imagination. But there is a great deal of virtue in being able to admit when you are wrong, and if you’re going to be outspoken, you’d better either be able to clarify your position or apologize your ass off.

That being said, I’m about to do it right the fuck now.


The Backstory:


Last year, a formerly-dear former-“friend” of mine took offense to something I said on Facebook (surprise!!) and went completely ballistic. She flew into a rage, sent me the nastiest break-up email I’ve ever received from anyone, and blocked me from ever communicating with her again, leaving me unceremoniously dumped by someone who, according to said email, never liked me that much to begin with. I left her two voice mails that day, because she’d blocked me from any other form of contact, apologizing for hurting her feelings and asking her forgiveness. I was hurt by her, too, and I’m damn certain that’s exactly what she wanted. She sent me an email and then blocked me so that she could have the last word. Hey, it worked. My hat is off. I crown thee queen of passive-aggression.

The thing is, this is not normal behavior, but it becoming so. A strange sort of fucked-upness has pervaded when the connection to another human being is made so tenuous with social media in the way, and people are willing to chuck long-term friendships over Facebook. As my mom said over many glasses of riesling the other day, “imagine being a kid right now and growing up thinking that that’s how relationships are supposed to be.” Dysfunction was not born of social networking, but it does seem to live there sometimes.

The Present:

I caught up with another old friend recently. We have a history, but at this point it’s reasonably ancient. When all is screamed and done, we’ve been friends for many years. I admit that it was against my better judgment, because I know what my sister would say, but we hung out a few times. One day last week he had too much to drink so I drove him home. I thought I was doing something nice for a friend. I didn’t want him to get hurt of get in trouble. Nevertheless, he unfriended me too. Not only unfriended but blocked. Same as the other gal, only he didn’t bother with the whole disparaging email character assassination thing.

But, really.

What.

The.

Hell??

Am I that big of a problem for people?? Did I do something wrong?? Something similar happened last year, only with someone I didn’t used to date, who didn’t unfriend me, or block me. We just didn’t speak for a really long time. It’s not friggin’ fun to not be able to talk to your friends about what’s going on. I guess I feel like we’re all adults, here, and we should be able to communicate with one another as such, but apparently not. Am I the only one who thinks that this is a really fucked up way to treat people, or am I just upset because I’m the fucked up one and I don’t deserve to be treated with any modicum of human dignity?? I feel disposable, and I’m reasonably certain that this is exactly how I’m meant to feel when another person behaves this way. Like I said, some people it doesn’t matter if they're not around anymore. In fact, most of the time is doesn’t. Other times it does. Perhaps I’d be better off keeping my opinion to myself and not bothering anyone with my hurt feelings, but I do that a lot, though, and I hate it, so here I am.

What the hell is wrong with me for even having these people in my life?? People who haven’t known me very long, or who don’t know me very well, tell me I need a better quality of person in my life, and I’m beginning to agree. I used to hate those people who say things like “that person is not on my level.” I think it’s judgmental and uncouth and presumptuous and rude. I don’t understand the line of thinking that goes into one person assuming they are better than another. Perhaps I should start trying to?? People tell me my friends are losers, and I think they’re just being mean. I think it’s offensive. Perhaps they have a point??

I understand that people have lives and loved ones and that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. But, I would be lying if I said that the ways in which people insist upon shoving me out of their lives can hurt. One minute you’re friends with someone and then next, you’re just not. No explanation. I don’t understand the idea of not being friends with someone because your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, or your other friends, or whomever, don’t like them. I don’t subscribe to that theory. Perhaps this is just my unwillingness to do what I’m told in life, and it’s part of the reason I’m single, and part of the reason people treat me like this. But that’s another subject for another post.

The Gluten-Free Beer Fart.

Last week, my mom and I were discussing the different diets that come with having different food allergies and sensitivities. I have several friends with sensitivities to gluten, so for a while I tried a gluten-free diet. Having been toying with being vegan for a few months, being gluten-free was a lot more difficult. In any case, I told my mom, "when I eat more gluten-free, I fart less."

Last Sunday we were at the ballgame and my mom ordered a gluten-free beer, dropping this little tidbit of wisdom that still makes me chuckle: "I wonder if gluten-free beer makes you fart less??"

Just a thought.

A Time to Grieve.

About five years ago, I experienced a downturn in my life that was both scary and disappointing. No one died, but I thought I had lost a job I loved, a person I loved, at the same time as going through some personal turmoil due to a bad investment I had made. I had a counselor that I cried to; spilled my guts hoping to remove all the badness and come out on the other side. Instead, he completely shut me down. He told me that I was wallowing in self-pity and that I should concentrate on the positive side. To this day I’m still not sure what the positive side of losing one’s job, the man one thought one was going to marry, and one’s freedom in less than a month’s time is, but I suppose that just makes me nothing more than a Negative Nancy.

In any case, I was hurting, badly, and to have that shat upon, having my feelings invalidated by someone who was supposed to help me improve my situation, hurt even more. Mind you, all of this bogusness fell out of this man’s face within the first few weeks he was counseling me, so it’s not as though I had been crying on his couch for months on end. I was sad and depressed and angry and scared of what would happen next, and the Positivity Police were trying to get me to turn that frown upside down, as though it were that simple. Maybe for some people it is?? It’s a nice thought, but as time has gone on and I’ve experienced other, different losses in life and watched people I care deeply for lose friends, homes, loved ones, jobs, marriages, children, experience disease, disability and be diagnosed with life-altering medical conditions, it only makes me more angry when they are shut down, the way I was shut down, for expressing their hurt and anger.

Human beings experience emotions that other human beings do not like to have to deal with. Just because a person is angry or depressed because they are going through something does not make them an angry, depressed person. When someone experiences a loss, no matter how trivial it may seem to the eternal optimist, what that person needs may not be a shot in the arm of sunshine but for you to give a damn about how they feel, let them feel that way for a little while, listen to them and be there as they work through it. Then cometh the power of positivity. Shoving it down a sad person’s throat doesn’t help them; sometimes it makes them feel more alone. And telling someone who is going through something that their feelings are wrong is just a shitty thing to do to a friend.

Anger and sadness are parts of grieving whether a person is seven and their cat dies, sixteen and their first boyfriend turns out to be a dud, or thirty and their dream job just bottomed out. Grief is grief is grief. No one can turn it off or make it magically go away, though some people are better at hiding it than others. If you care about a person, do you have to agree with them 100% of the time?? Give them a hug, let them be upset. Get them through this. If it goes on too long, then by all means tell them that they need to either start helping themselves or find a professional because there is only so much a friend can do. But blaming a sad person for being sad isn’t going to make them un-sad. The school of “don’t let it get to you” is quite often nonsense, because the bad shit gets to all of us at some point in time or another. We’re human beings and we came with feelings, some of which are not fun or enjoyable for anyone. But we have them, and we need each other when we do.

In Defense of Rebecca Black.

I would like to discuss Rebecca Black, the thirteen-year-old vocalist who brought us the annoyingly ubiquitous ditty “Friday.” If you haven’t seen the video or heard the song, either you don’t have school-aged children, access to social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.), or you live under a rock. Whichever the case may be, don’t feel bad. You’re not missing anything. If you live in the world and you’ve had the massive misfortune of having your senses assaulted by “Friday,” then you know what I’m talking about. It blows my mind that while so many people out there are decrying Rebecca Black and the song, it’s climbing the charts like the Itsy Bitsy Tween Spider. I don’t know. But I digress.

I don’t like the song. Let me just say that up front. It gets stuck in my head and stays there, squatting like a smelly toad, defecating on what’s left of my good mood. It makes me want to put my head through a wall. The song is senseless and irritating and if “Friday” is any indication, girlfriend cannot sing her way out of a wet paper bag. On “Friday,” Miss Black abuses her autotune privilege so egregiously that it makes me beg for Kim Kardashian’s horrifying “Jam.” As a music writer, I could take this kid apart all day, but I feel like a great deal of the population has already done that. The horse is dead. It’s time to put the stick down and get on with our lives. While I understand and agree with some of the criticism, calling the song “hilariously dreadful,” “bizarre” and “inept,” I also think some people are taking this a skosh too far. And this is coming from Taylor Swift’s worst nightmare and biggest detractor. From a vid calling the young Miss Black a “stupid bitch” to anonymous critics saying she should cut herself or ‘get an eating disorder’ so she’d be pretty, it’s gotten ugly. People are so upset that Miss Black has received death threats, like she’s Rebecca bin Laden or some shit. The public verbal flogging of a person so young they can barely be called a teenager is sad to watch, frankly.

Rebecca Black: 1. Humanity: 0.

All that being said, Rebecca Black has something Taylor Swift lacks: balls. Miss Swift has stood back like a deer in the headlights, penning the soporific “Mean” in response to criticism, and floating aimlessly through the vortex or tedium. While Taylor Swift stands around looking libidinous and perplexed, like she’s waiting for a big, strong man to give her directions, Rebecca Black has confronted her reputation and criticism face-first with a gusto the many of us could only wish for. She has stood by her song, refusing to take it down from YouTube. She is the embodiment of the phrase “haters make me famous,” because that’s exactly what’s happening here, and in that way I think she’s a fantastic role model for young people. How many of us can put our hearts and souls into a project, put it out there for public consumption and remain as upright as Rebecca Black has when a ravenous public tears it, and her, apart?? Who cares if she can sing or not?? The bitch has some brass ones, and for that I have to give her props. She admits that she’s been upset and cried over the harsh things people have said, but she’s remained upright in the public eye, and for that she deserves recognition.

And I love her mom, saying “I could have killed a few people, but . . . “.

Whether Rebecca Black goes on to enjoy success as a singer or not, and I hope she does because it’s people like her who give me something to make fun of, I believe she is a strong girl who will grow into a strong woman. The rest of us should be taking notes.

In Defense of Natalie Munroe.

Today my friend Crystal steered me in the direction of a Pennsylvania teacher who has come under fire for her blog and the controversial comments she made about some of her students on it. That teacher is Natalie Munroe.

Now, no one has to agree with Mrs. Munroe. One of the great things about being an American is First Amendment rights. Now I’m going to exercise mine. Join me, won’t you??

While I don’t necessarily believe that a public blog is the best place to air grievances that are more-or-less private, no matter how carefully an individual feels he or she is about protecting his or her privacy. I, myself, as a teacher and a blogger with strong and often-unpopular opinions, will post certain things in a note on my Facebook and “hide” them from people who I don’t feel need an all-access pass to what goes on in my personal life or my head. Then again, that’s just me. Being able to blog openly about your feelings can be liberating. Most adults are reasonably aware of the possible ramifications. I have to hand it to Natalie Munroe for bravely standing by her posts and not backing down or trying to hide behind some bullshit reasoning for them, pleading insanity and making excuses. If you’re going to put it out there, folks, you’d better be able to defend it iffen the time comes.

Now, as a teacher, I understand what she’s saying about teenage kids often being lazy and disrespectful. Feeling the way that she does is something that comes with the territory of teaching. Everyone has bad times and negative feelings about their job now and then, and having or expressing them does not necessarily mean that a person hates his or her job or should stop doing it. Seriously, do we all just up and quit our jobs, leaving behind the industries we’ve invested so much in entering, just because we’re having a hard time?? If everyone did that, it would be chaos. If every teacher threw in the towel after having a few bad months, or even a bad year, we would have no teachers. Saying that Natalie Munroe needs to stop teaching, or is a bad teacher because she expressed negativity about her job is so far beyond ridiculous that if I turned around and tried to see ridiculous from here, I couldn’t. It would ultimately be worse for her to keep it all inside, pretending her feelings don’t matter, and chuck her entire career in frustration. It would be more convenient for others, of course, which is why others like to call people out on their negativity: because they might actually be affected by it. Heaven for-fucking-bid someone not feel like everyone in the world is wonderful and perfect all of the time, and heaven forbid they talk about it. That’s just too much negativity for some people do handle. While it must be nice living in Never Neverland, where all is sunshine and happiness all the livelong day and people keep their disapproval from bothering others, ignoring it and stashing it away does not actually make it go away. It simply satisfies the people who don’t like the fact that they sometimes have to deal with other people’s opinions in life.

I am a preschool teacher, and have been for some time. I have a teenage daughter, as well as a few teenage relatives whom I adore, most of the time. Most of the kids and families I’ve come into contact with over the years, whether at work or through family or social activities have been awesome, pleasant, reasonably down-to-earth people. However, there are so often a few who reek of entitlement from a block away. They love their children so much that they are afraid to not give them everything they want, and these children sometimes grow into bossy, bratty, indifferent, entitled teenagers. (Surprise!!) They often have no sense of boundaries, because no boundaries have been installed at any time during their lives. Amy Chua, the self-proclaimed “Tiger Mother,” criticizes many Western parents for being too soft with their children. Again, do we all have to agree with her?? No. BUT, as a mother and a teacher I see so many parents who do dote, favor, spoil, pamper, overindulge and mollycoddle their children until the kids believe they can do no wrong. THIS is the kind of thing that leads teachers into a growing frustration with their jobs.

I went on a job interview for a preschool teaching position several years back. During the interview the director told me, point blank, that teachers were not allowed to say the word “no” to the children at any time. While I don’t wish to be one of those teachers who wags their finger at the children and admonishes them with a barrage of “no” every day, it is a legitimate word in the English language that people, young and old, need to hear occasionally. It is a part of life whether we like it or not. This is another example of how teachers are severely limited in their ability to teach effectively, when something as necessary and simple as the word “no” is verboten in a classroom. Is the sky green?? Can I dig through your purse?? Is it okay if a five-year-old says to another “I’m going to kick your ass??” ARE YOU ON CRACK?? What is the answer to these questions?? I’ll give you a hint: IT AIN’T YES. Yet, there are schools out there that are so committed to the comfort of parents and their need to completely spoil their children that teachers are honest-to-goodness forbidden from telling a child “no.” And then people wonder why these children grow into “out-of-control,” “rude,” “disengaged, lazy whiners” and cheeky little piglets. Please.

Another example from my teaching background; I was on a working interview at a school when it was snack time in the three-year-old classroom. One teacher went to the boys’ bathroom to help the boys wash their hands, one went into the girls’ bathroom to help the girls, and I stayed behind in the classroom to set up. One by one the children filed back into the room and took a seat at the table. I noticed one girl we’ll call A who had not visited the sink to wash her hands. I reminded her that she was supposed to wash up before snack, and off she went. When she came back another girl, we’ll call her B, had sat down in A’s spot and was ready for snack. A had a complete meltdown. I feel like, as a teacher, I’m pretty liberal with temper tantrums. Hell, I still have them occasionally. In any case, A went over to the “circle time” area, threw herself on the floor and began wailing uncontrollably. I went to her, told her that I understood that she was frustrated but that I would save her a seat and some snack for when she was ready to eat. She tried to kick me, so I walked away. She was in a safe place where she would most likely not be hurt, or hurt anyone else providing they stayed away from her until she calmed down. It was right after nap time, and some kids are more moody after being waked up than others. Tantrums are a part of things, sometimes. Shaming or making a child feel bad about them aren’t always helpful. Neither is capitulating and giving the child what they want. However, since when is it okay to kick a teacher?? Being new I went back to the class and kept an eye on A until the other teachers came back. When they did, and I explained what was going on, they immediately turned their backs on the rest of the class and began paying all their attention to A. When they discovered what A wanted, they double-teamed B and talked to her in dulcet tones until she gave up her seat for A. I felt like I had just watched an active manipulation in progress. A, the mewling, petulant fit-thrower, got what she wanted and B was subtly negotiated out of her seat by authority figures even though she hadn’t done anything at all save for sit down in what she, and I, saw as an empty chair. I see that as teaching a child that pitching a violent fit and screaming gets that child what he or she wants. However, some parents pay extra for schools that indulge in those kinds of behaviors. If the family pays more, then they expect special treatment. And what are the teachers left to do about it?? Nothing. Or, in my case, turn down the job and move on.

I’ll reiterate: not all schools, not all teachers, not all parents and not all children fall into the above categories. I would not presume to say that everyone is exactly alike. These are examples of experiences I have had, though, which make me understand where Natalie Munroe is coming from.

Reading comments on news items and Facebook groups regarding Natalie Munroe, people have bordered on hysteria over this. There are people out there who have taken such great offense at Mrs. Munroe’s opinion that they are behaving as though she stood in their living rooms, uninvited, and called their parenting practices, and the practices of their own parents, into question. “I was raised right,” and “I raise my kids right,” are popular statements. What, pray tell, does that have to do with Natalie Munroe’s criticism?? If people feel so strongly about how they raise their children, then what’s the problem?? Why does Mrs. Munroe’s opinion of a few select people in one Pennsylvania high school have to do with them?? Aside from the fact that raising children correctly is subjective and completely a matter of opinion, people behave as though everything is about them. They can’t even handle objection or a perceived slight to the point that they’re upset about commentary that isn’t even about them. People are insane!! There is a whole world out there that has nothing to do with you or I and while you and I are free to comment on it as much as we want to, perhaps what you and I think doesn’t matter?? Spewing your mental feces all over comment boards of newspapers means nothing. Believe me, I tried it today on a Facebook group, just to see what would happen, and had my intelligence insulted. Are we shocked?? I usually stay off public comment boards for just that reason, because my opinion is my opinion and doesn’t matter to others, but today I made an exception. What a mistake. No wonder people are pissed. They can’t see past their own front doors.

Has anyone else stopped for one second to consider that maybe this is the kind of self-serving, short-sighted, me, me, me attitude that Mrs. Munroe was criticizing in her students??

In any case, yeah. This is my blog, where I get to have my opinion and you get to either read it or not. Do I give a shit whether or not you agree with me?? Does it matter whether or not you agree with Natalie Munroe?? Not really. However, we are just as much allowed to have our opinions as those who think our opinions are stupid, and we are just as allowed to comment on things that happen in our lives as the people who think we are assholes.

"Freedom is not comfortable, is often difficult, and borders on chaos. Aside from that, it's great!"
~ D. Case

Go forth and deal with it.

Wanted: Environmentally-Friendly Case for Birth Control Pills.

It is so bothersome for me that my birth control pills come with so much garbage. Every prescription comes with a separate sleeve that is not recyclable. You mean to tell me that pharmaceutical companies can’t even make a sustainable container?? Or won't they?? Why do they give out a plastic envelope with every refill?? It’s just wasteful.

Bubbies Can Be Shit-Talkers, Too.

I love deep-water aerobics. The back-story goes like this: when I was fifteen I sustained a bad back injury doing gymnastics. Because I’m me, I refused to stop doing gymnastics even though I was in constant pain, until I got a solid diagnosis and was told to stop. So, I trained and competed on a excruciatingly painful stress fracture in my L6 vertebrae for five months. When I came home from the gym I barely moved, but all I wanted to do was go back to the gym the next day. Dealing with the psychological side of being that injured was not something I knew how to handle, and so I denied that I could possibly be seriously injured until my mom finally found a doctor who told me to stop, immediately; that I had done serious damage and without serious rehab I would have back problems for the rest of my life.

Being out of the gym for ten months drove me stir crazy!! I started partying more with my friends, people I’d seen much less of when I spent my time in the gym. I also got medical clearance to go to deep-water aerobics, since it is no-impact. It took some getting used to, but after a while I really started to enjoy it and get good at it. I still love it to this day, despite the fact that most of the people who do deep-water aerobics are between the ages of 80 and 100. I love deep-water aerobics and I don’t care who knows it!!

Anyway, so today, after the dreaded conversation with my financial counselor at school (which I won’t get into), I went to the pool, only to find that the price of a class has been raised a dollar. Eff. So, I’ll be going to classes less frequently. That’s just what it is. But I digress. So, I get into the water and people look at me funny. This I’m used to. I’m thirty-one, am regularly told I don’t look thirty-one, and work out in teeny bikinis usually not worn by individuals over the age or 25. The tattoos and the unusual hair seem to grab people’s attention more than I would like, and I get some dirty looks, some compliments and some people who look at me like I should be on the six o'clock news, holding a placard under my mug shot for public urination or grand theft boating, or some such thing.

So, today I’m in the pool and I’m working out next to this little lady who keeps casting sidelong glances at me. She’s talking to a friend of hers, a man, and she asked him about his tattoo. He explained that he got it when he was in the Navy, in his youth back in WWI, or whatever. Then she looks directly at me and says “some people are going to wonder why they did these things to themselves when they’re our age,” sneered at me, and went back to her friend.

Now, wait a minute. I’ve had shit talked to my face before, but never by a sweet-looking grandmother whom I've never met and who looks like she should be baking cookies with cherub-faced children in a Nestle Toll House commercial. If I hadn’t been in the water, my jaw would have dropped. That bubby just talked shit to me!! I thought about saying something directly to her, like “if I lived my life only doing things I thought I’d be pleased with myself for by the time I’m your age, then I would never do anything,” but I didn’t. I respected my elder and kept my damn mouth shut. See?? I can do it. Other people just don’t notice it because if I’m quiet it usually means I’m asleep or simply not paying attention.

The day has continued to not just go downhill but spiral completely out of fuck control. Perhaps after I had a bubby talk shit to me this morning I should have taken it as a sign that I should go home and go back to bed and try again tomorrow??

Addendum: Children and Food Labels

There is one more personal anecdote I would like to add to my last post.

I have a daughter who is thirteen. Last year, while she was still twelve, we went to the grocery store and were picking out a salad dressing. Now, dressing is not a particularly healthy thing to consume. Anyone who can read a label knows this, whether they acknowledge it or not. So, we were picking what kind of dressing we wanted and comparing nutrition labels. You know; calories per serving, grams of fat. My mom has had issues with high cholesterol and high blood pressure in the past. Nothing to write home about, but enough to where I feel like I can teach my daughter what those things are and what they mean nutritionally, so we were looking at cholesterol and sodium as well. I thought we were having an interesting conversation; organic vs synthetic, local vs big brand, less expensive vs more expensive. Then this woman slams down a bottle of dressing in her cart. I turn to look. She makes direct eye contact, cocks her head, scoffs and stomps off. I look at my daughter. Anyone who knows me knows she’s tiny, and anyone who knows her knows she’s athletic. I can no longer give my friends my daughter’s old clothes, even to the seven-year-olds, because my thirteen-year-old is smaller than they are. She is not now, nor has she ever been, failure to thrive. She just came from a family of really tiny people and, as such, is really tiny. Her mother, at a massive 5’5” and 115 is taller than her father, though not by much. So, the kid’s small. BFD. Her entire life I’ve had random strangers in stores tell me I’m mistreating my child because she’s always looked younger than she is. Here I am trying to teach her how to read food labels, a skill everyone should have and that a twelve-year-old is mature enough to begin learning about, and this bitch is passing judgment like I’m a pageant mom trying to make sure my eight-year-old doesn’t eat salad dressing that’s too high in fat content. So, you can’t win for losing, sometimes. At least someone out there gave a shit whether she knew what she was thinking or not.

I, personally, believe that more parents should be teaching their children how to read nutrition labels and to make smart food choices, but what the hell do I know?? To some, I’m a skinny liberal bitch teaching her eight-year-old to shun calories.

Apparently There IS No Such Thing as a Free Lunch.

I’m still pretty uneducated on the whole school lunch ideas that the Obama administration is pushing around, I admit, but from what I’ve read I don’t understand why so many people are so pissed off. I really don’t. And to be honest, most of the people I’ve sat and listened to bitch and moan are a) wealthy as fuck and b) would hate the president if he deigned to say that the sky was blue or that puppies are cute. Suffice to say, if you are wealthy enough to feed your children and smart enough to not overload them with junk food, then this new law is not directed at you. Okay?? So back the fuck off, because there are people out there who need what’s being offered them. I know how much y’all jus’ love to make sure that the have-nots remain the have-nots, but seriously. What is your damage, Heather?? Healthier lunches made available to low-income school children?? That’s a fuckin’ problem?? Oil your knees, grow a heart, obtain a brain and STFU because if you think this is a bad thing then you have no soul.

I’ve worked and socialized with children and families who come from all kinds of backgrounds. Or, as we’re supposed to say, “socioeconomic status.” At one point I was teaching preschool full-time at an establishment in Seattle which accepted a large number of DSHS children while working part-time teaching athletics at a private facility that is not known for being inexpensive, if you smell what I’m cookin’. It was an interesting time for me, especially as a broke single mom who had chosen poorly at her career (teaching), who lived well below the poverty level for both the city and the nation, had a baby daddy whose family wiped their asses with $100 bills while I was still taking classes part time at the community college.

I observed some interesting behavior when it came to food and parenting. The wealthy gave all: hot dogs, chips, milkshakes, French fries, pastries. No matter the circumstances or the time of day, child gets what child wants. For example, my own daughter was fortunate enough to be granted ice skating lessons by her grandmother, which meant sitting at the arena with her grandmother’s friends and their competitive skater children who inhaled pizza and doughnuts immediately before practice and considered me a food tyrant for giving my daughter fruit, crackers or veggies with peanut butter and water or juice before skating and allowing her to have pizza after. I heard what people said behind my back: I’d been a gymnast and that obviously made me an anorexic and therefore I could not possibly know how to feed myself, let alone a child. My mind railed against these stupid bitches!! When had they ever been athletes?? When had they ever eaten McDonald’s right before practice and went the whole afternoon with a stomach ache because of it?? They looked like all they ate was pizza and doughnuts. And who died and made them the food police?? If my kid is going to be an athlete, she should learn to eat like one. That did not and does not mean no pizza and doughnuts ever; it meant no pizza and doughnuts until after practice. What’s so mean about that I’m not sure I’ll ever understand, save for the fact that it’s not how the older, richer in-vitro moms fed their children.

When I began more full-time work with children again, I saw things that were even more disturbing. One week I would be working at the preschool, where one family was so poor they sent their two children to school with a lunch in one brown bag: two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on not dog buns. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, as a single mom there were times I’ve had to be creative with my daughter’s lunch, and times when I’ve had to send her to school without a lunch knowing that the school has an emergency lunch program that isn’t going to allow her to starve. Of course, they send you a bill at the end of the year, but I digress. So, on one hand it was sweet that this mother made the effort. That is not, however, a sufficient meal for children in full-time preschool. So, the food that had meant to be used exclusively for snack time was used to feed the really poor kids. Which, of course, meant less for the kids who threw away half of their lunches because they didn’t feel like eating pears that day, but really. In all fairness, it is the right of families to purchase food and have kids throw it away. Even at a low-income-friendly school. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s true. Obviously no school subsidized lunch program was offered, but when one child wastes while another child wants (or needs), it’s difficult to watch.

In the wealthier of the two environments, I would spend a week coaching athletic camps, fun camps, and almost every child signed up had a food allergy. (Care to wager how many of the low-income kids at the preschool had food allergies??) Half the kids had access to their parents’ member accounts and would purchase food the camp leaders had been told not to give them. Celiac disease?? My auntie. The kid who’s supposedly allergic to gluten just downed three hot dogs with buns, a bowl of mac and cheese and tried to sneak Mountain Dew from the fountain after the other leaders and I had restricted them to lemonade, water along with one paper cup of sprite each. Fortunately, no one got sick, no one told their parents about the crap they sneaked and charged to their parents’ accounts, and no one got in trouble. However, my astonishment at the lengths I’ve seen these kids go to just to have the junk food that they want remains, and I see very few adults saying no to these kids. I thought I was being the food police; making sure no one ate anything they were “allergic” to or didn’t have at least some nutritional benefit, or had beverages that had too much sugar or caffeine. And the longer I’ve worked at this establishment I’ve seen how indulged some of these kids really are. Every time I see them eat, they’re eating junk food. These are children whose parents can (and likely do) buy local and organic, which is something that low-income people can’t always afford to do because it’s so damned expensive, and their kids are scarfing hot dogs and Pepsi and no one is saying anything to the kids. For a time I thought that kids who are shitty food were from families who couldn’t afford healthy food, because let’s face it, healthy food is hella more expensive, but they’re not. They’re from families with educated parents, who should know better, who want their children to be athletes and serve them muy burgers and fries just as often as they are from lower-income families.

So the poor are too poor to feed their kids, which has a lot to do with the rate of childhood obesity in America. Yet, the wealthy don’t seem to give much of a damn what their kids eat. Do they think it’s all gravy (pardon the pun)?? That they’ll be able to afford dieticians and fat farms for their kids when they don’t know how to control or regulate their food intake then they’re older?? Who is teaching the rich kids that three hot dogs is not the correct portion, and who is sharing one with the poor kid who doesn’t have one??

At no point would I presume to say that all parents, of any income bracket, do not know how to feed their children. That is not the point I’m trying to make at all, and if you think it is then you haven’t been paying attention. Kids out there need guidance they are evidently not getting from their parents. Not all kids, but kids. Teachers talk about good nutritional habits, but not everyone in the world can afford them. We are adults, and our job as adults and as parents is to stand up for these kids and do what’s right for them even if it may not be right for us. It’s called being an adult, being a parent, and participating in the health and growth of the society in which you live.

And no, I’m not a socialist, but the more right wing, conservative, tea party propaganda I read about and hear makes me beg for Emma Goldman to rise from the great beyond and start kicking some ass.

Working with older kids, I’ve had the displeasure of hearing the horror stories of what the public schools offer to middle and high schoolers for lunch. One local middle school had a coffee cart, but they had to limit the consumption of coffee drinks to the cafeteria because children were buying coffees, taking them into the hallways and dumping them around; making messes and vandalizing the lockers of kids they didn’t like. Yeah. Middle school kids. Being served lattes and cappuccinos and mochas at school. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks that’s fucked up and actually sees the problem here?? Other kids admitted to me that their parents packed them lunches that they threw away and used money to buy chips, soft drinks, doughnuts, coffee, fries. I knew these kids parents. Some of them were not allowed to have Gatorade at gymnastics class, yet they were tossing out their lunches in favor of crap.

So, yeah. Something needs to be done. Whether you feel like you’re teaching you children good habits or not, if they have the option to pitch their lunch in a trash can and mow down burritos so unhealthy even Taco Bell would say “hey, that’s just fucked up,” then they’re going to take it. These vending and a la carte options must be scrapped, and that’s something that this new law is trying to make happen. Why is that bad?? What would you rather have your kid be offered as a snack when they’re away from you: an apple or a bag of chips??

While I understand that some people feel like their intelligence is being insulted and their parenting methods undermined, fuckin’ deal!! As Americans, we embarrass ourselves every damn day and pretty much deserve to have our intelligence insulted. But this is for our kids: ALL of them, not just yours, you bourgeois geek. If you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to read something other than the GOP website, perhaps you’d understand that.

Anyway.

At ease.

Bill O’Reilly is on line one.