In Defense of Rebecca Black.

I would like to discuss Rebecca Black, the thirteen-year-old vocalist who brought us the annoyingly ubiquitous ditty “Friday.” If you haven’t seen the video or heard the song, either you don’t have school-aged children, access to social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.), or you live under a rock. Whichever the case may be, don’t feel bad. You’re not missing anything. If you live in the world and you’ve had the massive misfortune of having your senses assaulted by “Friday,” then you know what I’m talking about. It blows my mind that while so many people out there are decrying Rebecca Black and the song, it’s climbing the charts like the Itsy Bitsy Tween Spider. I don’t know. But I digress.

I don’t like the song. Let me just say that up front. It gets stuck in my head and stays there, squatting like a smelly toad, defecating on what’s left of my good mood. It makes me want to put my head through a wall. The song is senseless and irritating and if “Friday” is any indication, girlfriend cannot sing her way out of a wet paper bag. On “Friday,” Miss Black abuses her autotune privilege so egregiously that it makes me beg for Kim Kardashian’s horrifying “Jam.” As a music writer, I could take this kid apart all day, but I feel like a great deal of the population has already done that. The horse is dead. It’s time to put the stick down and get on with our lives. While I understand and agree with some of the criticism, calling the song “hilariously dreadful,” “bizarre” and “inept,” I also think some people are taking this a skosh too far. And this is coming from Taylor Swift’s worst nightmare and biggest detractor. From a vid calling the young Miss Black a “stupid bitch” to anonymous critics saying she should cut herself or ‘get an eating disorder’ so she’d be pretty, it’s gotten ugly. People are so upset that Miss Black has received death threats, like she’s Rebecca bin Laden or some shit. The public verbal flogging of a person so young they can barely be called a teenager is sad to watch, frankly.

Rebecca Black: 1. Humanity: 0.

All that being said, Rebecca Black has something Taylor Swift lacks: balls. Miss Swift has stood back like a deer in the headlights, penning the soporific “Mean” in response to criticism, and floating aimlessly through the vortex or tedium. While Taylor Swift stands around looking libidinous and perplexed, like she’s waiting for a big, strong man to give her directions, Rebecca Black has confronted her reputation and criticism face-first with a gusto the many of us could only wish for. She has stood by her song, refusing to take it down from YouTube. She is the embodiment of the phrase “haters make me famous,” because that’s exactly what’s happening here, and in that way I think she’s a fantastic role model for young people. How many of us can put our hearts and souls into a project, put it out there for public consumption and remain as upright as Rebecca Black has when a ravenous public tears it, and her, apart?? Who cares if she can sing or not?? The bitch has some brass ones, and for that I have to give her props. She admits that she’s been upset and cried over the harsh things people have said, but she’s remained upright in the public eye, and for that she deserves recognition.

And I love her mom, saying “I could have killed a few people, but . . . “.

Whether Rebecca Black goes on to enjoy success as a singer or not, and I hope she does because it’s people like her who give me something to make fun of, I believe she is a strong girl who will grow into a strong woman. The rest of us should be taking notes.