“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mohandas Gandhi
If you’ve ever had your feelings hurt by something someone said to you, then you’ve probably heard some of the clichés and platitudes some people use to protect themselves from harm (see above). You know what it is: the “don’t let it get to you” defense. While there is a time and place in life to ignore the haters and the naysayers and “be true to yourself,” or whatever, but this mindset can cross a line into a kind of victim-blaming situation. When a person in my life has become verbally abusive in the past, I’ve been told not to let it get to me. That’s all fine and happy, but how many times can a person be called a bitch and a bad mom before it starts to hurt?? I’m not made of steel, and neither are most people. Human beings, individuals or groups, use harmful tactics like verbal abuse, intimidation, and manipulation because they work; they hit the other person where they know it will hurt. It’s not the victim’s fault that they are upset when they’ve been treated badly, even when it was only with words. Just because you or I are aware that we've been low-blowed doesn't mean it will forever stop smarting.
When we’re implored by society to “buck up” and “don’t let it get to you,” it can be an excellent way of suppressing feelings rather than dealing with them. I’ve learned that the hard way. I understand that other people don’t give and damn and don’t want to make your shit their problem. Typically, it’s a miracle if your friends want to listen to you be upset for longer than about a half an hour, if you’re lucky. So, eventually we stop complaining so much and pretend to have dealt with our feelings. Last summer I had to deal with some of that anger that I stuffed down in the name of not letting it get to me. I understand now that the people who spewed their inspirational quotes didn’t actually give a rip about how I was feeling; they just wanted me to be quiet. Not happy, not better: quiet. So, I did, and of course it was my fault when I realized I was still angry after all these years when I thought I’d put it behind me.
It’s rarely that simple. The breadth of human emotion is far more complex than that and, frankly, I think that when we’ve stopped allowing what others say to affect us, we can become too quick to dismiss criticism because we don’t want to feel the weight of its effects, and that is a pretty primitive defense mechanism. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and insight into the motivations of others to know the difference sometimes, because there are times when others are trying to hurt us and times when what others say about us can show us who we really are, or who we want to be. However, handing out the idea that what other people say doesn’t ever matter is to hand out a security blanket, a placebo. It’s basic human nature that we learn about how to be human beings by watching and listening to other human beings. If what people say is all a bunch of hooey, then where does that leave us in terms of how we interact with one another?? Does what other people think only matter when they’re agreeing with us, telling us how fabulous we are, or defending us?? It’s a funny joke to say yes, but if that’s the case then why do we have friends?? Why do we fall in love, have children, develop relationships of any kind with other human beings if what they think or feel only matters when it’s convenient for us??
I understand that some people like inspiring words and sayings, like one of my current heroes RuPaul is posting on Facebook today. As much as I love quotations, I think we need to stop making excuses for ourselves while we hide under the words of others. The wisdom of people we admire can get us through tough times and make us laugh, certainly, but at what point do we need to go out in to the world and make our own wisdom?? I suppose no one actually needs to do that, especially when they can hide under the tenets they’ve been handed.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”
~Miguel Ruiz
Seriously?? I get that he’s supposed to be some kind of New Age spiritual leader, neoshamanist folks, but really?? The person who is immune to the opinions and actions of others is usually called a sociopath. Another quote by the same individual:
“"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally."
Way to remove yourself from any responsibility you may have in hurting another person, because that’s all that is. It’s a poor excuse for enlightenment when people actually blame the person they’ve hurt, without exception, for being hurt rather than the manipulative jerk who hurts another person on purpose. We all say the wrong thing sometimes and hurt people, and personally I find the ability to identify how what I say can affect others and being able to be sorry when I’ve hurt someone is a good thing. Personally, I think that the person who blatantly and purposefully insults me just to see me hurt is an asshole, and an even bigger asshole for trying to pass my feelings off as a character flaw. That, my friends, is a sign of a sucky human being.
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