Whatdya Say??

I've had this conversation with my mom for a long time: she believes strongly that there are words people should not say to each other because it makes people think it's okay to say them. To break it down, when women call each other “bitch,” “cunt,” or “slut,” when black people call each other “nigger / nigga,” when gay people call each other “fag,” “queen,” “dyke,” and so on. I disagree with that. Yes, these words can be hatespeech, but it also depends upon context, which I think too many people miss out on.

When a woman says, “shut up, bitch,” to a friend in jest, or a black person calls someone “my nigga,” they're obviously not using hatespeech. It's cultural vernacular. I maintain that there are some words that other people don't have access to. It's really none of my business if black people want to use the n-word, or if gay people say “fag” to each other. If some of us want to try to take possession of the words others use to attempt to hurt them, who the hell else's business is it?? A young man on my Facebook friends list launched into a diatribe recently about how women shouldn't use the word “slut” if they want to be taken seriously. Frankly, I don't wish to be told what words I may or may not use, as a woman, from a man. He's entitled to his opinon, certainly, as I am entitled to have his opinion on the subject not matter to me. If I'm not out and about in the world, I will speak the way I wish to speak. I feel like someone that's taking one example of something someone says as whether or not to take them seriously as a person, that guy isn't going to take me seriously anyway.

There is a time and a place in this world to censor ourselves. I think most of us can agree with that. For example, I'm aware that certain MRAs and their ilk don't want women in the workplace, any workplace, because women might want to hold them accountable for telling dirty jokes or calling women derogatory names. I'm uncertain why it's so difficult for these men to behave themselves at work, or do they just think they shouldn't have to?? We're all required to engage in self-censorship from time to time. All of us. So when these men feel like they can't talk a certain way in certain company, well, welcome to everyone else's lives. Y'all don't want to be held to the same standards of decency and behavior as the rest of humanity?? Sorry, not sorry, bro.

This, to me, is an excellent example of privilege. Perhaps white people should just not use the “n-word??” Perhaps straight people should be more sensitive about using language that is anti-gay when coming from a straight person?? And maybe dudes should just not use “bitch” or “cunt” because those words do not belong to them?? My mom asks how people can possibly know which words they have access to and which they don't. My answer is critical thought. A culture of believing you have access to another culture's language is privilege. That is a kind of cultural appropriation. If you are an intelligent, thoughtful person you likely can think about what you say before you say it, and if you slip up and say something that hurts someone else you can stand up like good person and apologize. Some speech is not open for use by everyone. It's just not. I don't understand why that's a difficult concept.

I'm not talking about being PC. I know that's a big buzz phrase among folks that want to avail themselves to power over others by being insensitive shitheads and then accusing them of being too sensitive. All that means to me when I hear it is that the person saying it doesn't think that they should have to think before they speak or take responsibility for what falls out of their face. I'm saying think about what you say, whom you say it to, and what it means, not just to you but to your listener. Why is that such a challenge?? Use your fucking head and don't be a dick. If that's how you define “PC,” then I can't stop you but I beg to differ.

You know how in the Harry Potter books people won't say “Voldemort” out loud, and they call him “He Who Must Not Be Named,” and Hermione points out that by skirting around the fear associated with the name makes Voldemort remain powerful?? Well that's kind of how I think about this. You remember when George Carlin spoke about how, “they're only words??” Well, they are. If you don't like them, don't use them. If someone says something hurtful to you using one of them, call them out. Or don't. Chances are they won't care, because insensitive people don't give a shit how they impact others. Chances are they won't own shit. And they won't have any grasp upon why what they said was hurtful, because context belongs to them alone, and they'll tell themselves that they're smarter than you are because you have feelings. I think it's little more than a play for some kind of perceived superiority, but that's just one woman's opinion.

In Defense of Natalie Munroe.

Today my friend Crystal steered me in the direction of a Pennsylvania teacher who has come under fire for her blog and the controversial comments she made about some of her students on it. That teacher is Natalie Munroe.

Now, no one has to agree with Mrs. Munroe. One of the great things about being an American is First Amendment rights. Now I’m going to exercise mine. Join me, won’t you??

While I don’t necessarily believe that a public blog is the best place to air grievances that are more-or-less private, no matter how carefully an individual feels he or she is about protecting his or her privacy. I, myself, as a teacher and a blogger with strong and often-unpopular opinions, will post certain things in a note on my Facebook and “hide” them from people who I don’t feel need an all-access pass to what goes on in my personal life or my head. Then again, that’s just me. Being able to blog openly about your feelings can be liberating. Most adults are reasonably aware of the possible ramifications. I have to hand it to Natalie Munroe for bravely standing by her posts and not backing down or trying to hide behind some bullshit reasoning for them, pleading insanity and making excuses. If you’re going to put it out there, folks, you’d better be able to defend it iffen the time comes.

Now, as a teacher, I understand what she’s saying about teenage kids often being lazy and disrespectful. Feeling the way that she does is something that comes with the territory of teaching. Everyone has bad times and negative feelings about their job now and then, and having or expressing them does not necessarily mean that a person hates his or her job or should stop doing it. Seriously, do we all just up and quit our jobs, leaving behind the industries we’ve invested so much in entering, just because we’re having a hard time?? If everyone did that, it would be chaos. If every teacher threw in the towel after having a few bad months, or even a bad year, we would have no teachers. Saying that Natalie Munroe needs to stop teaching, or is a bad teacher because she expressed negativity about her job is so far beyond ridiculous that if I turned around and tried to see ridiculous from here, I couldn’t. It would ultimately be worse for her to keep it all inside, pretending her feelings don’t matter, and chuck her entire career in frustration. It would be more convenient for others, of course, which is why others like to call people out on their negativity: because they might actually be affected by it. Heaven for-fucking-bid someone not feel like everyone in the world is wonderful and perfect all of the time, and heaven forbid they talk about it. That’s just too much negativity for some people do handle. While it must be nice living in Never Neverland, where all is sunshine and happiness all the livelong day and people keep their disapproval from bothering others, ignoring it and stashing it away does not actually make it go away. It simply satisfies the people who don’t like the fact that they sometimes have to deal with other people’s opinions in life.

I am a preschool teacher, and have been for some time. I have a teenage daughter, as well as a few teenage relatives whom I adore, most of the time. Most of the kids and families I’ve come into contact with over the years, whether at work or through family or social activities have been awesome, pleasant, reasonably down-to-earth people. However, there are so often a few who reek of entitlement from a block away. They love their children so much that they are afraid to not give them everything they want, and these children sometimes grow into bossy, bratty, indifferent, entitled teenagers. (Surprise!!) They often have no sense of boundaries, because no boundaries have been installed at any time during their lives. Amy Chua, the self-proclaimed “Tiger Mother,” criticizes many Western parents for being too soft with their children. Again, do we all have to agree with her?? No. BUT, as a mother and a teacher I see so many parents who do dote, favor, spoil, pamper, overindulge and mollycoddle their children until the kids believe they can do no wrong. THIS is the kind of thing that leads teachers into a growing frustration with their jobs.

I went on a job interview for a preschool teaching position several years back. During the interview the director told me, point blank, that teachers were not allowed to say the word “no” to the children at any time. While I don’t wish to be one of those teachers who wags their finger at the children and admonishes them with a barrage of “no” every day, it is a legitimate word in the English language that people, young and old, need to hear occasionally. It is a part of life whether we like it or not. This is another example of how teachers are severely limited in their ability to teach effectively, when something as necessary and simple as the word “no” is verboten in a classroom. Is the sky green?? Can I dig through your purse?? Is it okay if a five-year-old says to another “I’m going to kick your ass??” ARE YOU ON CRACK?? What is the answer to these questions?? I’ll give you a hint: IT AIN’T YES. Yet, there are schools out there that are so committed to the comfort of parents and their need to completely spoil their children that teachers are honest-to-goodness forbidden from telling a child “no.” And then people wonder why these children grow into “out-of-control,” “rude,” “disengaged, lazy whiners” and cheeky little piglets. Please.

Another example from my teaching background; I was on a working interview at a school when it was snack time in the three-year-old classroom. One teacher went to the boys’ bathroom to help the boys wash their hands, one went into the girls’ bathroom to help the girls, and I stayed behind in the classroom to set up. One by one the children filed back into the room and took a seat at the table. I noticed one girl we’ll call A who had not visited the sink to wash her hands. I reminded her that she was supposed to wash up before snack, and off she went. When she came back another girl, we’ll call her B, had sat down in A’s spot and was ready for snack. A had a complete meltdown. I feel like, as a teacher, I’m pretty liberal with temper tantrums. Hell, I still have them occasionally. In any case, A went over to the “circle time” area, threw herself on the floor and began wailing uncontrollably. I went to her, told her that I understood that she was frustrated but that I would save her a seat and some snack for when she was ready to eat. She tried to kick me, so I walked away. She was in a safe place where she would most likely not be hurt, or hurt anyone else providing they stayed away from her until she calmed down. It was right after nap time, and some kids are more moody after being waked up than others. Tantrums are a part of things, sometimes. Shaming or making a child feel bad about them aren’t always helpful. Neither is capitulating and giving the child what they want. However, since when is it okay to kick a teacher?? Being new I went back to the class and kept an eye on A until the other teachers came back. When they did, and I explained what was going on, they immediately turned their backs on the rest of the class and began paying all their attention to A. When they discovered what A wanted, they double-teamed B and talked to her in dulcet tones until she gave up her seat for A. I felt like I had just watched an active manipulation in progress. A, the mewling, petulant fit-thrower, got what she wanted and B was subtly negotiated out of her seat by authority figures even though she hadn’t done anything at all save for sit down in what she, and I, saw as an empty chair. I see that as teaching a child that pitching a violent fit and screaming gets that child what he or she wants. However, some parents pay extra for schools that indulge in those kinds of behaviors. If the family pays more, then they expect special treatment. And what are the teachers left to do about it?? Nothing. Or, in my case, turn down the job and move on.

I’ll reiterate: not all schools, not all teachers, not all parents and not all children fall into the above categories. I would not presume to say that everyone is exactly alike. These are examples of experiences I have had, though, which make me understand where Natalie Munroe is coming from.

Reading comments on news items and Facebook groups regarding Natalie Munroe, people have bordered on hysteria over this. There are people out there who have taken such great offense at Mrs. Munroe’s opinion that they are behaving as though she stood in their living rooms, uninvited, and called their parenting practices, and the practices of their own parents, into question. “I was raised right,” and “I raise my kids right,” are popular statements. What, pray tell, does that have to do with Natalie Munroe’s criticism?? If people feel so strongly about how they raise their children, then what’s the problem?? Why does Mrs. Munroe’s opinion of a few select people in one Pennsylvania high school have to do with them?? Aside from the fact that raising children correctly is subjective and completely a matter of opinion, people behave as though everything is about them. They can’t even handle objection or a perceived slight to the point that they’re upset about commentary that isn’t even about them. People are insane!! There is a whole world out there that has nothing to do with you or I and while you and I are free to comment on it as much as we want to, perhaps what you and I think doesn’t matter?? Spewing your mental feces all over comment boards of newspapers means nothing. Believe me, I tried it today on a Facebook group, just to see what would happen, and had my intelligence insulted. Are we shocked?? I usually stay off public comment boards for just that reason, because my opinion is my opinion and doesn’t matter to others, but today I made an exception. What a mistake. No wonder people are pissed. They can’t see past their own front doors.

Has anyone else stopped for one second to consider that maybe this is the kind of self-serving, short-sighted, me, me, me attitude that Mrs. Munroe was criticizing in her students??

In any case, yeah. This is my blog, where I get to have my opinion and you get to either read it or not. Do I give a shit whether or not you agree with me?? Does it matter whether or not you agree with Natalie Munroe?? Not really. However, we are just as much allowed to have our opinions as those who think our opinions are stupid, and we are just as allowed to comment on things that happen in our lives as the people who think we are assholes.

"Freedom is not comfortable, is often difficult, and borders on chaos. Aside from that, it's great!"
~ D. Case

Go forth and deal with it.