Sticks and Stones, Victim-Blaming and Verbal Abuse

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mohandas Gandhi

If you’ve ever had your feelings hurt by something someone said to you, then you’ve probably heard some of the clichés and platitudes some people use to protect themselves from harm (see above). You know what it is: the “don’t let it get to you” defense. While there is a time and place in life to ignore the haters and the naysayers and “be true to yourself,” or whatever, but this mindset can cross a line into a kind of victim-blaming situation. When a person in my life has become verbally abusive in the past, I’ve been told not to let it get to me. That’s all fine and happy, but how many times can a person be called a bitch and a bad mom before it starts to hurt?? I’m not made of steel, and neither are most people. Human beings, individuals or groups, use harmful tactics like verbal abuse, intimidation, and manipulation because they work; they hit the other person where they know it will hurt. It’s not the victim’s fault that they are upset when they’ve been treated badly, even when it was only with words. Just because you or I are aware that we've been low-blowed doesn't mean it will forever stop smarting.

When we’re implored by society to “buck up” and “don’t let it get to you,” it can be an excellent way of suppressing feelings rather than dealing with them. I’ve learned that the hard way. I understand that other people don’t give and damn and don’t want to make your shit their problem. Typically, it’s a miracle if your friends want to listen to you be upset for longer than about a half an hour, if you’re lucky. So, eventually we stop complaining so much and pretend to have dealt with our feelings. Last summer I had to deal with some of that anger that I stuffed down in the name of not letting it get to me. I understand now that the people who spewed their inspirational quotes didn’t actually give a rip about how I was feeling; they just wanted me to be quiet. Not happy, not better: quiet. So, I did, and of course it was my fault when I realized I was still angry after all these years when I thought I’d put it behind me.

It’s rarely that simple. The breadth of human emotion is far more complex than that and, frankly, I think that when we’ve stopped allowing what others say to affect us, we can become too quick to dismiss criticism because we don’t want to feel the weight of its effects, and that is a pretty primitive defense mechanism. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and insight into the motivations of others to know the difference sometimes, because there are times when others are trying to hurt us and times when what others say about us can show us who we really are, or who we want to be. However, handing out the idea that what other people say doesn’t ever matter is to hand out a security blanket, a placebo. It’s basic human nature that we learn about how to be human beings by watching and listening to other human beings. If what people say is all a bunch of hooey, then where does that leave us in terms of how we interact with one another?? Does what other people think only matter when they’re agreeing with us, telling us how fabulous we are, or defending us?? It’s a funny joke to say yes, but if that’s the case then why do we have friends?? Why do we fall in love, have children, develop relationships of any kind with other human beings if what they think or feel only matters when it’s convenient for us??

I understand that some people like inspiring words and sayings, like one of my current heroes RuPaul is posting on Facebook today. As much as I love quotations, I think we need to stop making excuses for ourselves while we hide under the words of others. The wisdom of people we admire can get us through tough times and make us laugh, certainly, but at what point do we need to go out in to the world and make our own wisdom?? I suppose no one actually needs to do that, especially when they can hide under the tenets they’ve been handed.

“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”
~Miguel Ruiz

Seriously?? I get that he’s supposed to be some kind of New Age spiritual leader, neoshamanist folks, but really?? The person who is immune to the opinions and actions of others is usually called a sociopath. Another quote by the same individual:

“"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally."

Way to remove yourself from any responsibility you may have in hurting another person, because that’s all that is. It’s a poor excuse for enlightenment when people actually blame the person they’ve hurt, without exception, for being hurt rather than the manipulative jerk who hurts another person on purpose. We all say the wrong thing sometimes and hurt people, and personally I find the ability to identify how what I say can affect others and being able to be sorry when I’ve hurt someone is a good thing. Personally, I think that the person who blatantly and purposefully insults me just to see me hurt is an asshole, and an even bigger asshole for trying to pass my feelings off as a character flaw. That, my friends, is a sign of a sucky human being.

Social Media as a Weapon.

Does anyone care if someone unfriends them on Facebook?? As a general rule, it’s kind of a silly thing to be upset about. However, there are those times when other people’s actions leave us scratching our heads, wondering what we’ve done wrong. When the last thing someone says to you is “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” and then next day you’re not just unfriended but blocked without a single word, it’s not a good feeling. I understand that people who engage in this sort of spiteful, manipulative behavior don't exactly have the vested interest in anyone's feelings but their own, but I'm going to examine the phenomenon anyway.

Won’t you join me??

I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter. I’m tired of my friendship being disposable. I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding my generally pessimistic outlook when it comes to my relationships with other people. I kept bringing up the numerous ways most people will stab you in the face as soon as look at you, and I kept saying “but that’s what people do.” His point was that I shouldn’t allow people to treat me that way, I should not go through life feeling that badly about myself because of something someone else did or said. But when you give a damn about another person and that's how they treat you, it hurts. “But, that’s what people do.”

Most of us use some form of social networking anymore, and anyone with any experience being online has encountered the sort of domestic cyber-terrorism I’m about to describe. There are always going to be people who will send you nasty email filled with insults they would never say to your face. People will continue to post about you where they know damn well you have access to it, saying something nasty about you without using your name for no reason but to get people to comment and say nasty things about you without them even knowing they’re talking smack right where you can read it. And, in addition, most of us have participated in it at one time or another, whether we meant to or wanted to or not.

I would not presume to say that I’m perfect and never do or say the wrong thing, by any stretch of the imagination. But there is a great deal of virtue in being able to admit when you are wrong, and if you’re going to be outspoken, you’d better either be able to clarify your position or apologize your ass off.

That being said, I’m about to do it right the fuck now.


The Backstory:


Last year, a formerly-dear former-“friend” of mine took offense to something I said on Facebook (surprise!!) and went completely ballistic. She flew into a rage, sent me the nastiest break-up email I’ve ever received from anyone, and blocked me from ever communicating with her again, leaving me unceremoniously dumped by someone who, according to said email, never liked me that much to begin with. I left her two voice mails that day, because she’d blocked me from any other form of contact, apologizing for hurting her feelings and asking her forgiveness. I was hurt by her, too, and I’m damn certain that’s exactly what she wanted. She sent me an email and then blocked me so that she could have the last word. Hey, it worked. My hat is off. I crown thee queen of passive-aggression.

The thing is, this is not normal behavior, but it becoming so. A strange sort of fucked-upness has pervaded when the connection to another human being is made so tenuous with social media in the way, and people are willing to chuck long-term friendships over Facebook. As my mom said over many glasses of riesling the other day, “imagine being a kid right now and growing up thinking that that’s how relationships are supposed to be.” Dysfunction was not born of social networking, but it does seem to live there sometimes.

The Present:

I caught up with another old friend recently. We have a history, but at this point it’s reasonably ancient. When all is screamed and done, we’ve been friends for many years. I admit that it was against my better judgment, because I know what my sister would say, but we hung out a few times. One day last week he had too much to drink so I drove him home. I thought I was doing something nice for a friend. I didn’t want him to get hurt of get in trouble. Nevertheless, he unfriended me too. Not only unfriended but blocked. Same as the other gal, only he didn’t bother with the whole disparaging email character assassination thing.

But, really.

What.

The.

Hell??

Am I that big of a problem for people?? Did I do something wrong?? Something similar happened last year, only with someone I didn’t used to date, who didn’t unfriend me, or block me. We just didn’t speak for a really long time. It’s not friggin’ fun to not be able to talk to your friends about what’s going on. I guess I feel like we’re all adults, here, and we should be able to communicate with one another as such, but apparently not. Am I the only one who thinks that this is a really fucked up way to treat people, or am I just upset because I’m the fucked up one and I don’t deserve to be treated with any modicum of human dignity?? I feel disposable, and I’m reasonably certain that this is exactly how I’m meant to feel when another person behaves this way. Like I said, some people it doesn’t matter if they're not around anymore. In fact, most of the time is doesn’t. Other times it does. Perhaps I’d be better off keeping my opinion to myself and not bothering anyone with my hurt feelings, but I do that a lot, though, and I hate it, so here I am.

What the hell is wrong with me for even having these people in my life?? People who haven’t known me very long, or who don’t know me very well, tell me I need a better quality of person in my life, and I’m beginning to agree. I used to hate those people who say things like “that person is not on my level.” I think it’s judgmental and uncouth and presumptuous and rude. I don’t understand the line of thinking that goes into one person assuming they are better than another. Perhaps I should start trying to?? People tell me my friends are losers, and I think they’re just being mean. I think it’s offensive. Perhaps they have a point??

I understand that people have lives and loved ones and that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. But, I would be lying if I said that the ways in which people insist upon shoving me out of their lives can hurt. One minute you’re friends with someone and then next, you’re just not. No explanation. I don’t understand the idea of not being friends with someone because your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, or your other friends, or whomever, don’t like them. I don’t subscribe to that theory. Perhaps this is just my unwillingness to do what I’m told in life, and it’s part of the reason I’m single, and part of the reason people treat me like this. But that’s another subject for another post.