By now most of us have seen the viral video of maniacal uber-hick Tommy Jordan going country-style ham over his bratty daughter Hannah’s whiny Facebook post. What’s been interesting for me has been the reaction. Most of the parents I’ve read and listened to are cheering for this gun-toting hillbilly fiend, which I don’t thoroughly understand. Everyone with children gets pissed off about the way their kids act sometimes; it’s universal. And many of us have ideas about what we’d like to do to our children, but reason and accountability stop us when we come to the rational conclusion that spiteful, hot-headed, knee-jerk reactions don’t teach our children anything but that it’s okay to be spiteful, hot-headed, and to not think about how they act before they act.
Usually when yokels brandish firearms and squeeze off a few rounds when they get pissed off, the rest of civilized society kind of laugh them off as being uncivilized and silly. Why not now?? Why in this instance have we suddenly changed our tune?? Why is this angry outburst and unnecessary destruction of perfectly useful property for the humiliation of a petulant child being lauded as healthy and effective parenting??
There appear to be a lot of folks out there applauding this guy because the way they would like to handle their children when they act out is to beat the ever-lovin’ snot out of them, like these parents learned everything they know about parenting from reality television; you disrespect me, I beat the shit out of you, sans consequences. (I know these ideas are older than reality tv; just hang with me for a minute.) I honestly think that this is why people should be thinking long and hard before they have children, because once they’re here they’re going to fuck your world up and you’re not allowed to use violence. You, meaning the adult, are supposed to know better. I know that chaps your ass, Daddy Warhead, but if you can’t treat your children with respect then how do you expect them to know what it means?? Indulging your children by giving them stuff and then expecting them to be blindly grateful is a lovely idea, but it’s completely unrealistic. Teaching genuine gratitude is more than teaching a child to say please and thank you, and it’s a process that is rarely complete by the time a kid is fifteen. All kids want a new phone, a new iPod, an new gaming system, a new computer, a new whatever. My sister pointed out to me, when I was complaining about my own teenage daughter’s appetite for needlessly expensive shit, that kids and teens are materialistic: they all want stuff. They just do. The bottom line is that children haven’t finished their cognitive development by the age of fifteen. Unfortunately for young Hannah, the agent of her DNA has and he appears to be missing a few chromosomes. Children are still learning these things that dad Tommy is carrying on about. Some kids do get paid for helping around the house; it’s commonly called an allowance and it’s not an entirely unpopular idea just because he and his family choose not to employ it.
I say that because I’ve been told before to “behave like the grown-up” when it comes to my own kid, and in most cases the person saying that to me was right. Don’t get me wrong: being the grown up can f*ckin suck out loud. It’s rarely fun, but at some point a-grouch-for-a-grouch is not a reasonable way to approach the child. If the kid is being a mewling wretch and a parent’s reply is to be a mewling wretch back, what are we teaching them?? I know we’ve all done it. No one is perfect. I’m certainly not. But at some point it’s the job of the adult in the room to be in control of his-or-herself or he-or-she will never be in control of the situation.
There seems to be an entire culture of parents who think that they can tell their child once not to do something and that the child will never, ever do it again. It would be lovely if it actually worked that way, but in reality we all have to tell our kids over and over (and over and over and over and over) not to do things. It’s irritating as f*ck, I’ll give you that, but haven’t we all sounded like broken records until our nerves are shot and our heads hurt?? And haven’t we all had that moment when we throw up our hands, wondering what’s wrong with the child that they just don’t get it?? You can explain it six ways from Sunday and the child is still rude, or whatever. It’s embarrassing and frustrating, mostly because it reflects on us and what other people think about our parenting. And don’t try and give me that “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks” garbage, because if you didn’t care at all we wouldn’t be having these conversations with our kids in the first place. In any case, teenagers are the same way. They’re still technically children; they just look more like us. Unfortunately their brains are still not yet ripe for the proverbial picking and we have to keep reminding them to behave themselves.
I’d be curious how the issue between this father and his daughter came to this point, but it’s really none of my business. I feel like I’ve been cordially invited into a stranger’s family drama. When a video about someone else’s personal life goes viral it’s natural for the audience it creates to have their opinions, and we’ve all become audience members in someone else’s life when we see this vid. I feel like this is so none of my business, but I still find myself thinking about it. You know the phrase “when you have a problem face it, don’t Facebook it??” Well, when I have a problem sometimes I’ll use social networking as a tool to ask my friends their opinion, or to vent my frustration, as do many people and as did both of our protagonists, Tommy and Hannah. So far, none of my own personal issues have become viral videos for all and sundry. If they had, I’d be embarrassed, but that’s just me.
Obviously this is not an isolated incident that grew out of the ground, but the back story is largely a mystery to most of the viewers, other than the father telling everyone in the world that Hannah had been grounded for being immature a few months ago. I can’t speak much to what the daughter did because most of the information I have has been brought to me by her father, and that brings us to a he-said-she-said scenario from Hades. I’m not 100% sure why an angsty teen venting to friends is that big of a deal. I’m pretty dang-ola sure most of us did it in some form or another when we were kids, and I don’t think I’m going too far out on a ledge speculating that most of us got yelled at, put on restriction, kicked out of the house, had our privileges and belongings taken away (or even given away) more than once for it. If the solution to the equation was to pack hardware and bust a cap, more of our parents would have done that a long-ass time ago. Long story short, I get why the dad is pissed, but I think he is totally overreacting.
I can’t imagine the irreparable damage that’s been done to this father-daughter relationship. He thinks he’s teaching her respect, but respect is not the living in fear of your trigger-happy dad and the possibility that he’ll blast a hole in your shit whenever he hulks up. If this dad’s aim was to publicly humiliate his daughter, he’s succeeded admirably. She may not act out again, but not because she understands that it’s wrong: it’ll be because she’ll be wondering what her erratic, acrimonious father will do next time. I would not blame Hannah if she ceased trusting him altogether. He says he’d moved out by the time he was fifteen. If he continues to use mean-spirited shame tactics in a public arena as parenting tools, there’s a good chance his girl will take his advice and high-tail it on out of his jurisdiction nice and early, and by any means necessary.
Hannah, honey, I say this without malice as a parent to a teen your age and a woman who was once the brattiest of all the brats in the land: consider this your wake-up call. It’s okay to be annoyed with your parents; it happens to all of us. Believe me. But there are expectations for you and your behavior and you, my dear, must extract your pretty head from your behind and do something other than what you’re doing, because what you’re doing isn’t working. You can’t change how your parents react to you or what you do. You can only change how you act and what you do. If you want independence, get a baby-sitting job and start spending more time at the library doing homework, or whatever you have to do to make some changes in your life. It’s what it is now, plain and simple. Your family seems to think that you’re old enough to start making some of your own decisions. It’s inconvenient, but somewhere between your note on Facebook and your family’s reaction, this is where you are and what you have to work with. If you’re going to gripe online you have to be responsible for what you say. We all do. If you think you deserve better then get up off your butt and make it happen, because no one is going to hand you shit and update your computer for you forever. If you want something no one is entitled to take away from you, then you do have to get it your damn self. You can grow up and be a trophy wife, but then you’re still relying on someone else to get it for you. I hope this whole debacle teaches you some things, one of them being that you probably can’t trust people who discharge firearms into perfectly useful pieces of expensive technology out of anger. Get it together, babe, and “may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your home.”
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I Seethe Sometimes.
I don’t know why I did it. Sometimes commenting on other people’s political status updates is a suicide mission, because there’s usually someone out there who is going to shut you down. As my step-dad (jack Mormon, misogynist, child abuser) used to say “I’m right, you’re wrong, that’s it.” There is no room for discourse: “Truth hurts,” as one gentleman said online this evening, in reply to a FB friend’s post I was commenting on. By truth he meant his opinion, but talking to anyone about the difference between fact and opinion is all but useless. Anyway, this comment was in response to my saying that I could not in good conscience vote for Ron Paul, or any candidate who is anti-choice. One fellow brought up the idea of “monolithic voting,” which is certainly valid, but if an issue is important one should certainly not vote against one’s own interest, and as a woman reproductive freedom pertains to me on a number of levels.
This other man (the truth hurts guy) says, and I quote, “the country > your uterus.” He goes on to say that if I choose to have sex, not if a woman chooses to have sex, but “you” then “you” are responsible for “your” choices. Certainly, sir, but your candidate, Dr. Paul, is actively in favor of taking those choices away.
Incidentally I, meaning me, do not have sex anymore. (Stay tuned) I appreciate the possibility of the assumption that I must be pro-choice because I hate babies and men and all child-bearing women and I’m obviously a huge slut that doesn’t want to be responsible for myself. I admit, he didn’t say it, but it’s been suggested before, so I’m going with it. Join me, won’t you??
Choosing not to have sex for the time being is in part a health issue, at this point, as I have HPV. I’m well aware that something like 80% of sexually active adults have it, but 80% of sexually active adults are not currently paying for the cancer screenings I do not, nor have I ever, had any sort of coverage for. No government funding, no sliding scale, no friends or family helping me out. The cost for my next biopsy will come directly from my pocket, as did my last, and will likely land me into collections when I can’t make the minimum payment every month. As did my last. So, yes. I am actively responsible for my reproductive health, to the best of my ability, and to the best of my ability that means not having sex until I get this latest cervical cancer scare under control.
Because that is what I’m dealing with right now.
Ain’t no one payin’ my damn medical bills. Not the guy from whom I contracted HPV who accused me of cheating on him, which I did not do. At no point did either of us have visible warts, or it might have been an indication to stop and investigate. I can’t speak for his ass, because I left him a long time ago, but I still don’t. So when people say “warts” like they’re these big and green and oozing, nasty things, they’re not. Incidentally, this guy told me he tested negative for HPV. If he’d actually seen a doctor then he’d know that there is no HPV test for men, but I think he was more interested in accusing me of being slutty than acknowledging that he and I may have a problem. But that was enough for him to convince himself that I was cheating on him, which is what’s important sometimes.
I had sex as a teen, and I got pregnant. I don’t have to tell you how that turned out: she’s fourteen. My parents’ insurance dropped me the moment the stick turned pink. I went to clinics and found out I could have an abortion for free or cheap, but if I were to continue my pregnancy (which is another hot-button political issue, still) I would have no reasonable, healthy choice than to go on state-funded medical for the duration. So I did, and when the duration ended, so did my health care. I was eighteen. I’ve gone without ever since, mostly because I’ve been a reasonably healthy person with a small income and a child to raise. 10% of my income is not a reasonable cost for out-of-pocket health care benefits, and with some of my crappy jobs it’s been more than that if benefits were offered at all. I’ve dealt with being a teen mom and I think I’ve done a good job, for the most part. I did what the political right wanted me to do, which is not have an abortion. Then what?? I was thrown to the wolves, as far as health care is concerned. Other than not having an adequate income to cover my health issues, what have I done that is irresponsible?? Not get married?? Let’s not open that can of worms, shall we?? Another topic for another time; let’s just say I’d be divorced by now. Further shame!! By not getting a better job?? I know people who haven’t been out there honestly believe that jobs are plentiful and abounding, but they’re not. “Just take any job you can get.” I’ve tended bar, sold lingerie, waited tables in a strip joint, done laundry, cleaned houses. Are these the “any job” to which you were referring, because they took me away from my young child, placed me in the hole for childcare expenses that I accrued during my working hours, did not pay my bills, and did not offer benefits. So how does ‘taking any job’ benefit me, or anyone other than the predatory guy who grabs my thigh and tries to lick me while I bring him drinks at the titty bar??
I know, I know. You’re a young, white guy and Ron Paul looks fabulous from where you’re sitting. Reproductive health issues are a “women’s issue,” and thereby not something you feel invested in. Dr. Paul will “force” providers to lower their costs. No indication of how, considering as of right now even low-income clinics can’t slide their scales low enough to fund treatment and stay in business. It’s a lovely proposal, but I think it’s one that most people want to believe they don’t or won’t have to think about. I do, and I have, and I believe the solution is far more complicated than the ‘haves’ are even remotely aware of. Shoot, it’s more complex that I’m aware of am I ‘have-not.’
People concentrate on issues that affect them; that’s a no-brainer (as they say). Reproductive health and health care benefits (in any form) affect me whether others feel like my individual uterus, or whether or not I have cancer and can afford treatment, is important or not. I don’t expect to change anybody’s mind, but we all should be voting for our interests, not those of politicians or corporations or ideologies, and my interests are not necessarily those of privileged, white 20-year-old males who are more concerned with legalizing marijuana than the health of women and families.
And I say that without too much malice, because I’m in favor of legalizing it, too. But it’s another story for another time, again.
But when some random dude says I need to be responsible for myself when I have sex?? Thank you for your judgment, but to the best of my ability I already am.
This other man (the truth hurts guy) says, and I quote, “the country > your uterus.” He goes on to say that if I choose to have sex, not if a woman chooses to have sex, but “you” then “you” are responsible for “your” choices. Certainly, sir, but your candidate, Dr. Paul, is actively in favor of taking those choices away.
Incidentally I, meaning me, do not have sex anymore. (Stay tuned) I appreciate the possibility of the assumption that I must be pro-choice because I hate babies and men and all child-bearing women and I’m obviously a huge slut that doesn’t want to be responsible for myself. I admit, he didn’t say it, but it’s been suggested before, so I’m going with it. Join me, won’t you??
Choosing not to have sex for the time being is in part a health issue, at this point, as I have HPV. I’m well aware that something like 80% of sexually active adults have it, but 80% of sexually active adults are not currently paying for the cancer screenings I do not, nor have I ever, had any sort of coverage for. No government funding, no sliding scale, no friends or family helping me out. The cost for my next biopsy will come directly from my pocket, as did my last, and will likely land me into collections when I can’t make the minimum payment every month. As did my last. So, yes. I am actively responsible for my reproductive health, to the best of my ability, and to the best of my ability that means not having sex until I get this latest cervical cancer scare under control.
Because that is what I’m dealing with right now.
Ain’t no one payin’ my damn medical bills. Not the guy from whom I contracted HPV who accused me of cheating on him, which I did not do. At no point did either of us have visible warts, or it might have been an indication to stop and investigate. I can’t speak for his ass, because I left him a long time ago, but I still don’t. So when people say “warts” like they’re these big and green and oozing, nasty things, they’re not. Incidentally, this guy told me he tested negative for HPV. If he’d actually seen a doctor then he’d know that there is no HPV test for men, but I think he was more interested in accusing me of being slutty than acknowledging that he and I may have a problem. But that was enough for him to convince himself that I was cheating on him, which is what’s important sometimes.
I had sex as a teen, and I got pregnant. I don’t have to tell you how that turned out: she’s fourteen. My parents’ insurance dropped me the moment the stick turned pink. I went to clinics and found out I could have an abortion for free or cheap, but if I were to continue my pregnancy (which is another hot-button political issue, still) I would have no reasonable, healthy choice than to go on state-funded medical for the duration. So I did, and when the duration ended, so did my health care. I was eighteen. I’ve gone without ever since, mostly because I’ve been a reasonably healthy person with a small income and a child to raise. 10% of my income is not a reasonable cost for out-of-pocket health care benefits, and with some of my crappy jobs it’s been more than that if benefits were offered at all. I’ve dealt with being a teen mom and I think I’ve done a good job, for the most part. I did what the political right wanted me to do, which is not have an abortion. Then what?? I was thrown to the wolves, as far as health care is concerned. Other than not having an adequate income to cover my health issues, what have I done that is irresponsible?? Not get married?? Let’s not open that can of worms, shall we?? Another topic for another time; let’s just say I’d be divorced by now. Further shame!! By not getting a better job?? I know people who haven’t been out there honestly believe that jobs are plentiful and abounding, but they’re not. “Just take any job you can get.” I’ve tended bar, sold lingerie, waited tables in a strip joint, done laundry, cleaned houses. Are these the “any job” to which you were referring, because they took me away from my young child, placed me in the hole for childcare expenses that I accrued during my working hours, did not pay my bills, and did not offer benefits. So how does ‘taking any job’ benefit me, or anyone other than the predatory guy who grabs my thigh and tries to lick me while I bring him drinks at the titty bar??
I know, I know. You’re a young, white guy and Ron Paul looks fabulous from where you’re sitting. Reproductive health issues are a “women’s issue,” and thereby not something you feel invested in. Dr. Paul will “force” providers to lower their costs. No indication of how, considering as of right now even low-income clinics can’t slide their scales low enough to fund treatment and stay in business. It’s a lovely proposal, but I think it’s one that most people want to believe they don’t or won’t have to think about. I do, and I have, and I believe the solution is far more complicated than the ‘haves’ are even remotely aware of. Shoot, it’s more complex that I’m aware of am I ‘have-not.’
People concentrate on issues that affect them; that’s a no-brainer (as they say). Reproductive health and health care benefits (in any form) affect me whether others feel like my individual uterus, or whether or not I have cancer and can afford treatment, is important or not. I don’t expect to change anybody’s mind, but we all should be voting for our interests, not those of politicians or corporations or ideologies, and my interests are not necessarily those of privileged, white 20-year-old males who are more concerned with legalizing marijuana than the health of women and families.
And I say that without too much malice, because I’m in favor of legalizing it, too. But it’s another story for another time, again.
But when some random dude says I need to be responsible for myself when I have sex?? Thank you for your judgment, but to the best of my ability I already am.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Plan B: A Conundrum
I’ve been reading, yesterday and today, about the controversy over the decision to not allow women under seventeen unrestricted access to emergency contraception. I understand that it’s controversial; hell, I even understand why. But some of what people out there are saying is just plain silly and uninformed.
What I’m reading on Facebook and Twitter and in comments at the end of articles (which I hate reading because comments are usually posted by the most insane demographic of Western inhumanity), there is a disproportionate amount of worry over eleven-and-twelve-year-old girls having access to EC while largely ignoring the populace most likely to use it: fifteen-and-sixteen-year-olds. The fact of the matter is that I don’t know what would happen to younger adolescents if they had access to EC, but I’m going to guess not a whole helluva lot. (Stay tuned) Frankly, I think that overlooking the young women who can benefit from it in favor of younger kids who are less likely to is absurd and careless.
There’s a great deal of “where are the parents” discussion, which is understandable. As a ‘teen mom’ myself, I had access to all the information in the world and a mom who was willing to help me take responsibility for my reproductive health and I made the conscious choice to blow it off and ignore what I knew. I did not want to talk to my mom about my sex life and was too nervous about all the rest of the uncertainty. It seemed to put everyone off our lunch, so I tried to avoid the subject. I don’t have to tell you how that turned out: she’s fourteen, I’m thirty-two. Our birthdays are two weeks apart. I'll leave you to do the math.
There are a lot of folks out there who say that they would talk to their kids, or that they do, and so their kids would never need EC. I say that’s great that you talk to your kids. I talk to mine, too, and have been since she was uncomfortably young. However, you can’t put a chastity belt on your young’uns. At some point they are responsible for their own choices, and our well-intentioned teachings become whatever. Talking is not enough, and sometimes the choices young people make are bound to be shitty ones. Come on, now. We’ve all made them. I know plenty of smart women who got pregnant in their twenties and thirties by being totally irresponsible. Kids don’t have the corner on bad decision-making, but our society sure likes to treat them like they do. The fact of the matter is that some kids who have sex are going to have had crappy parents, and some are not, but to assume that all young girls who get pregnant are somehow lacking in parental support is such an overextending assumption. Almost any sexually active young woman can get pregnant. An unintended pregnancy does not make a young woman uninformed, or unsupported. “Where were her parents??” Perhaps they were allowing the girl some autonomy and the opportunity to make her own decisions in life?? Please. A young girl’s pregnancy is difficult enough without your judgment. But thank you.
There are people who are concerned about what EC could do to a child as young as eleven. I’m on board with this, and I think it’s safe to say that if a child that young needed EC every one of us would hope that she is getting the help and support that she obviously needs. But just because it’s available, does that mean young kids are going to buy it and take it out of curiosity?? Because I’ve heard it suggested. I’d think they’d be more likely to reach for the Dramamine or the No-Doz, both of which I see readily accessible on drug store and gas station shelves in my neighborhood for under $10. Plan B One Step, for example, is not cheap. That’s another thing about EC: it’s expensive. Even if the costs were to go down if it were available OTC, I cannot imagine that it would suddenly become so inexpensive that a young person would pay for it when there are so many more fun and less spendy drug things to play with on the store shelves. I know eleven-year-olds who have disposable access to money, but not only are they the exception they would all be more likely to blow their $100 wad on iTunes or Starbucks. Just an observation, but when my kid leaves the house with $100 and comes home four hours later, broke, she’s buzzed on Frappuccinos and carrying shopping bags from Forever 21. We all want kids to be safe.
Shoot, kids can buy acetaminophen. A twelve-year-old could buy it and kill themselves by taking the whole bottle. We don’t put that behind the pharmacy counter, even though people can very easily die from it. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d heard of Tylenol poisoning by the time I was twelve. I had friends who slammed diet pills and diuretics by then, and they’re still available for purchase by young people. I think some of us might be looking a bit too closely at one thing right now.
Another concern that I’ve been reading about is that child molesters might encourage girls to take EC after raping them. On one hand, of course that’s horrifying. I’m pretty damn sure we can agree on that. On the other, is that child’s not getting pregnant with a rape baby somehow a bad thing?? Rapists and child molesters are going to do what they do until you and I and law enforcement and government and spirituality and social responsibility and biology itself can somehow abolish rape and child molestation. If my own child were molested, I would damn skippy encourage her to take Plan B. When grown women I know have been raped, I’ve encouraged them to do so, as well. We live in a society where women are allowed to make these choices for ourselves. This right has been in dispute for much longer than I’ve been alive to document it, but still it’s ours. Young women should be no exception. Rapists use condoms to cover their tracks. I get that there is a measure of society that believes we should restrict the distribution of condoms to young people, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with rape. Without meandering too far from the subject matter, though, that neglects the fact that sex is biological and when young people’s bodies are becoming all grown-up-like that hormonal changes are going to make them think about, and sometimes have sex whether culture says no or not. But that’s another subject for another time. Blaming the availability of contraception for any form of rape does not excuse, forgive, or otherwise legitimize the act. As long as there are predators in our neighborhoods who sexually denigrate women and girls, they’re going to find ways to manipulate their victims and cover their tracks. In the case of condoms and EC, they could also be doing the people they attack a favor (for lack of a more suitably harrowing way of putting it) by not spreading an STI or getting a victim pregnant and forcing them to make a choice that wasn’t theirs to begin with.
One individual said “you don’t know what this drug does.” Yes, I do. I’ve taken it twice. Once when I went too long between Depo shots (I was engaged to be married at the time) and once after a tragic condom mishap followed by the realization that I’d missed my BC pill for two days. I have sex sometimes, and I do my best to be smart about it. As with any medication, side effects are different for different people. Women I know have had them. I haven’t. I’m grateful for the options, like EC, that I have, and I would not wish to take them away from another woman if she felt like she needed them, no matter how young. But I do know what the drug does. Please do not assume that a woman who supports EC does not.
May I throw in a moment of slut-shaming?? Because there does seem to be a great deal of the humiliation of women, especially young women, who have sex and don’t hide it nicely. Especially when they get pregnant. I think Juno said it best when she said “you don’t have the evidence under your sweater,” or something to that effect. This is a phenomenon men don’t experience. Assuming that a young woman who gets pregnant is a slut, regardless of how she became that way, is nothing new. There still seems to be a great deal of “you did this to yourself” out there, which absolves boys of their responsibility and puts girls squarely in the slut seat. This is insane and unjust and the attitude needs to stop. It’s not going to any time soon, I understand, but forcing a girl to be pregnant against her will, when she could have chosen otherwise on her own, is fucked up regardless of how she came into the state of being.
Anyway. I’m still going to continue to be of the school of thought that all people must be educated about sex. Abstinence -only education for young people has proven itself ineffective. Blocking the availability of EC to younger women does not block the need or desire for it, but I do see why people are concerned.
The bottom line, to me, is that if we’re going to regulate every single thing that makes society uncomfortable, like the sexuality of young people, we might as well not leave the house. Don’t fly on the airlines because of terrorism, don’t go to ballgames because you might get hit with something and die, and for fuck’s sake, do not take anything that wasn’t successfully sheltered behind the pharmacist’s counter.
What I’m reading on Facebook and Twitter and in comments at the end of articles (which I hate reading because comments are usually posted by the most insane demographic of Western inhumanity), there is a disproportionate amount of worry over eleven-and-twelve-year-old girls having access to EC while largely ignoring the populace most likely to use it: fifteen-and-sixteen-year-olds. The fact of the matter is that I don’t know what would happen to younger adolescents if they had access to EC, but I’m going to guess not a whole helluva lot. (Stay tuned) Frankly, I think that overlooking the young women who can benefit from it in favor of younger kids who are less likely to is absurd and careless.
There’s a great deal of “where are the parents” discussion, which is understandable. As a ‘teen mom’ myself, I had access to all the information in the world and a mom who was willing to help me take responsibility for my reproductive health and I made the conscious choice to blow it off and ignore what I knew. I did not want to talk to my mom about my sex life and was too nervous about all the rest of the uncertainty. It seemed to put everyone off our lunch, so I tried to avoid the subject. I don’t have to tell you how that turned out: she’s fourteen, I’m thirty-two. Our birthdays are two weeks apart. I'll leave you to do the math.
There are a lot of folks out there who say that they would talk to their kids, or that they do, and so their kids would never need EC. I say that’s great that you talk to your kids. I talk to mine, too, and have been since she was uncomfortably young. However, you can’t put a chastity belt on your young’uns. At some point they are responsible for their own choices, and our well-intentioned teachings become whatever. Talking is not enough, and sometimes the choices young people make are bound to be shitty ones. Come on, now. We’ve all made them. I know plenty of smart women who got pregnant in their twenties and thirties by being totally irresponsible. Kids don’t have the corner on bad decision-making, but our society sure likes to treat them like they do. The fact of the matter is that some kids who have sex are going to have had crappy parents, and some are not, but to assume that all young girls who get pregnant are somehow lacking in parental support is such an overextending assumption. Almost any sexually active young woman can get pregnant. An unintended pregnancy does not make a young woman uninformed, or unsupported. “Where were her parents??” Perhaps they were allowing the girl some autonomy and the opportunity to make her own decisions in life?? Please. A young girl’s pregnancy is difficult enough without your judgment. But thank you.
There are people who are concerned about what EC could do to a child as young as eleven. I’m on board with this, and I think it’s safe to say that if a child that young needed EC every one of us would hope that she is getting the help and support that she obviously needs. But just because it’s available, does that mean young kids are going to buy it and take it out of curiosity?? Because I’ve heard it suggested. I’d think they’d be more likely to reach for the Dramamine or the No-Doz, both of which I see readily accessible on drug store and gas station shelves in my neighborhood for under $10. Plan B One Step, for example, is not cheap. That’s another thing about EC: it’s expensive. Even if the costs were to go down if it were available OTC, I cannot imagine that it would suddenly become so inexpensive that a young person would pay for it when there are so many more fun and less spendy drug things to play with on the store shelves. I know eleven-year-olds who have disposable access to money, but not only are they the exception they would all be more likely to blow their $100 wad on iTunes or Starbucks. Just an observation, but when my kid leaves the house with $100 and comes home four hours later, broke, she’s buzzed on Frappuccinos and carrying shopping bags from Forever 21. We all want kids to be safe.
Shoot, kids can buy acetaminophen. A twelve-year-old could buy it and kill themselves by taking the whole bottle. We don’t put that behind the pharmacy counter, even though people can very easily die from it. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d heard of Tylenol poisoning by the time I was twelve. I had friends who slammed diet pills and diuretics by then, and they’re still available for purchase by young people. I think some of us might be looking a bit too closely at one thing right now.
Another concern that I’ve been reading about is that child molesters might encourage girls to take EC after raping them. On one hand, of course that’s horrifying. I’m pretty damn sure we can agree on that. On the other, is that child’s not getting pregnant with a rape baby somehow a bad thing?? Rapists and child molesters are going to do what they do until you and I and law enforcement and government and spirituality and social responsibility and biology itself can somehow abolish rape and child molestation. If my own child were molested, I would damn skippy encourage her to take Plan B. When grown women I know have been raped, I’ve encouraged them to do so, as well. We live in a society where women are allowed to make these choices for ourselves. This right has been in dispute for much longer than I’ve been alive to document it, but still it’s ours. Young women should be no exception. Rapists use condoms to cover their tracks. I get that there is a measure of society that believes we should restrict the distribution of condoms to young people, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with rape. Without meandering too far from the subject matter, though, that neglects the fact that sex is biological and when young people’s bodies are becoming all grown-up-like that hormonal changes are going to make them think about, and sometimes have sex whether culture says no or not. But that’s another subject for another time. Blaming the availability of contraception for any form of rape does not excuse, forgive, or otherwise legitimize the act. As long as there are predators in our neighborhoods who sexually denigrate women and girls, they’re going to find ways to manipulate their victims and cover their tracks. In the case of condoms and EC, they could also be doing the people they attack a favor (for lack of a more suitably harrowing way of putting it) by not spreading an STI or getting a victim pregnant and forcing them to make a choice that wasn’t theirs to begin with.
One individual said “you don’t know what this drug does.” Yes, I do. I’ve taken it twice. Once when I went too long between Depo shots (I was engaged to be married at the time) and once after a tragic condom mishap followed by the realization that I’d missed my BC pill for two days. I have sex sometimes, and I do my best to be smart about it. As with any medication, side effects are different for different people. Women I know have had them. I haven’t. I’m grateful for the options, like EC, that I have, and I would not wish to take them away from another woman if she felt like she needed them, no matter how young. But I do know what the drug does. Please do not assume that a woman who supports EC does not.
May I throw in a moment of slut-shaming?? Because there does seem to be a great deal of the humiliation of women, especially young women, who have sex and don’t hide it nicely. Especially when they get pregnant. I think Juno said it best when she said “you don’t have the evidence under your sweater,” or something to that effect. This is a phenomenon men don’t experience. Assuming that a young woman who gets pregnant is a slut, regardless of how she became that way, is nothing new. There still seems to be a great deal of “you did this to yourself” out there, which absolves boys of their responsibility and puts girls squarely in the slut seat. This is insane and unjust and the attitude needs to stop. It’s not going to any time soon, I understand, but forcing a girl to be pregnant against her will, when she could have chosen otherwise on her own, is fucked up regardless of how she came into the state of being.
Anyway. I’m still going to continue to be of the school of thought that all people must be educated about sex. Abstinence -only education for young people has proven itself ineffective. Blocking the availability of EC to younger women does not block the need or desire for it, but I do see why people are concerned.
The bottom line, to me, is that if we’re going to regulate every single thing that makes society uncomfortable, like the sexuality of young people, we might as well not leave the house. Don’t fly on the airlines because of terrorism, don’t go to ballgames because you might get hit with something and die, and for fuck’s sake, do not take anything that wasn’t successfully sheltered behind the pharmacist’s counter.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Sticks and Stones, Victim-Blaming and Verbal Abuse
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mohandas Gandhi
If you’ve ever had your feelings hurt by something someone said to you, then you’ve probably heard some of the clichés and platitudes some people use to protect themselves from harm (see above). You know what it is: the “don’t let it get to you” defense. While there is a time and place in life to ignore the haters and the naysayers and “be true to yourself,” or whatever, but this mindset can cross a line into a kind of victim-blaming situation. When a person in my life has become verbally abusive in the past, I’ve been told not to let it get to me. That’s all fine and happy, but how many times can a person be called a bitch and a bad mom before it starts to hurt?? I’m not made of steel, and neither are most people. Human beings, individuals or groups, use harmful tactics like verbal abuse, intimidation, and manipulation because they work; they hit the other person where they know it will hurt. It’s not the victim’s fault that they are upset when they’ve been treated badly, even when it was only with words. Just because you or I are aware that we've been low-blowed doesn't mean it will forever stop smarting.
When we’re implored by society to “buck up” and “don’t let it get to you,” it can be an excellent way of suppressing feelings rather than dealing with them. I’ve learned that the hard way. I understand that other people don’t give and damn and don’t want to make your shit their problem. Typically, it’s a miracle if your friends want to listen to you be upset for longer than about a half an hour, if you’re lucky. So, eventually we stop complaining so much and pretend to have dealt with our feelings. Last summer I had to deal with some of that anger that I stuffed down in the name of not letting it get to me. I understand now that the people who spewed their inspirational quotes didn’t actually give a rip about how I was feeling; they just wanted me to be quiet. Not happy, not better: quiet. So, I did, and of course it was my fault when I realized I was still angry after all these years when I thought I’d put it behind me.
It’s rarely that simple. The breadth of human emotion is far more complex than that and, frankly, I think that when we’ve stopped allowing what others say to affect us, we can become too quick to dismiss criticism because we don’t want to feel the weight of its effects, and that is a pretty primitive defense mechanism. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and insight into the motivations of others to know the difference sometimes, because there are times when others are trying to hurt us and times when what others say about us can show us who we really are, or who we want to be. However, handing out the idea that what other people say doesn’t ever matter is to hand out a security blanket, a placebo. It’s basic human nature that we learn about how to be human beings by watching and listening to other human beings. If what people say is all a bunch of hooey, then where does that leave us in terms of how we interact with one another?? Does what other people think only matter when they’re agreeing with us, telling us how fabulous we are, or defending us?? It’s a funny joke to say yes, but if that’s the case then why do we have friends?? Why do we fall in love, have children, develop relationships of any kind with other human beings if what they think or feel only matters when it’s convenient for us??
I understand that some people like inspiring words and sayings, like one of my current heroes RuPaul is posting on Facebook today. As much as I love quotations, I think we need to stop making excuses for ourselves while we hide under the words of others. The wisdom of people we admire can get us through tough times and make us laugh, certainly, but at what point do we need to go out in to the world and make our own wisdom?? I suppose no one actually needs to do that, especially when they can hide under the tenets they’ve been handed.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”
~Miguel Ruiz
Seriously?? I get that he’s supposed to be some kind of New Age spiritual leader, neoshamanist folks, but really?? The person who is immune to the opinions and actions of others is usually called a sociopath. Another quote by the same individual:
“"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally."
Way to remove yourself from any responsibility you may have in hurting another person, because that’s all that is. It’s a poor excuse for enlightenment when people actually blame the person they’ve hurt, without exception, for being hurt rather than the manipulative jerk who hurts another person on purpose. We all say the wrong thing sometimes and hurt people, and personally I find the ability to identify how what I say can affect others and being able to be sorry when I’ve hurt someone is a good thing. Personally, I think that the person who blatantly and purposefully insults me just to see me hurt is an asshole, and an even bigger asshole for trying to pass my feelings off as a character flaw. That, my friends, is a sign of a sucky human being.
Mohandas Gandhi
If you’ve ever had your feelings hurt by something someone said to you, then you’ve probably heard some of the clichés and platitudes some people use to protect themselves from harm (see above). You know what it is: the “don’t let it get to you” defense. While there is a time and place in life to ignore the haters and the naysayers and “be true to yourself,” or whatever, but this mindset can cross a line into a kind of victim-blaming situation. When a person in my life has become verbally abusive in the past, I’ve been told not to let it get to me. That’s all fine and happy, but how many times can a person be called a bitch and a bad mom before it starts to hurt?? I’m not made of steel, and neither are most people. Human beings, individuals or groups, use harmful tactics like verbal abuse, intimidation, and manipulation because they work; they hit the other person where they know it will hurt. It’s not the victim’s fault that they are upset when they’ve been treated badly, even when it was only with words. Just because you or I are aware that we've been low-blowed doesn't mean it will forever stop smarting.
When we’re implored by society to “buck up” and “don’t let it get to you,” it can be an excellent way of suppressing feelings rather than dealing with them. I’ve learned that the hard way. I understand that other people don’t give and damn and don’t want to make your shit their problem. Typically, it’s a miracle if your friends want to listen to you be upset for longer than about a half an hour, if you’re lucky. So, eventually we stop complaining so much and pretend to have dealt with our feelings. Last summer I had to deal with some of that anger that I stuffed down in the name of not letting it get to me. I understand now that the people who spewed their inspirational quotes didn’t actually give a rip about how I was feeling; they just wanted me to be quiet. Not happy, not better: quiet. So, I did, and of course it was my fault when I realized I was still angry after all these years when I thought I’d put it behind me.
It’s rarely that simple. The breadth of human emotion is far more complex than that and, frankly, I think that when we’ve stopped allowing what others say to affect us, we can become too quick to dismiss criticism because we don’t want to feel the weight of its effects, and that is a pretty primitive defense mechanism. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and insight into the motivations of others to know the difference sometimes, because there are times when others are trying to hurt us and times when what others say about us can show us who we really are, or who we want to be. However, handing out the idea that what other people say doesn’t ever matter is to hand out a security blanket, a placebo. It’s basic human nature that we learn about how to be human beings by watching and listening to other human beings. If what people say is all a bunch of hooey, then where does that leave us in terms of how we interact with one another?? Does what other people think only matter when they’re agreeing with us, telling us how fabulous we are, or defending us?? It’s a funny joke to say yes, but if that’s the case then why do we have friends?? Why do we fall in love, have children, develop relationships of any kind with other human beings if what they think or feel only matters when it’s convenient for us??
I understand that some people like inspiring words and sayings, like one of my current heroes RuPaul is posting on Facebook today. As much as I love quotations, I think we need to stop making excuses for ourselves while we hide under the words of others. The wisdom of people we admire can get us through tough times and make us laugh, certainly, but at what point do we need to go out in to the world and make our own wisdom?? I suppose no one actually needs to do that, especially when they can hide under the tenets they’ve been handed.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”
~Miguel Ruiz
Seriously?? I get that he’s supposed to be some kind of New Age spiritual leader, neoshamanist folks, but really?? The person who is immune to the opinions and actions of others is usually called a sociopath. Another quote by the same individual:
“"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally."
Way to remove yourself from any responsibility you may have in hurting another person, because that’s all that is. It’s a poor excuse for enlightenment when people actually blame the person they’ve hurt, without exception, for being hurt rather than the manipulative jerk who hurts another person on purpose. We all say the wrong thing sometimes and hurt people, and personally I find the ability to identify how what I say can affect others and being able to be sorry when I’ve hurt someone is a good thing. Personally, I think that the person who blatantly and purposefully insults me just to see me hurt is an asshole, and an even bigger asshole for trying to pass my feelings off as a character flaw. That, my friends, is a sign of a sucky human being.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Social Media as a Weapon.
Does anyone care if someone unfriends them on Facebook?? As a general rule, it’s kind of a silly thing to be upset about. However, there are those times when other people’s actions leave us scratching our heads, wondering what we’ve done wrong. When the last thing someone says to you is “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” and then next day you’re not just unfriended but blocked without a single word, it’s not a good feeling. I understand that people who engage in this sort of spiteful, manipulative behavior don't exactly have the vested interest in anyone's feelings but their own, but I'm going to examine the phenomenon anyway.
Won’t you join me??
I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter. I’m tired of my friendship being disposable. I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding my generally pessimistic outlook when it comes to my relationships with other people. I kept bringing up the numerous ways most people will stab you in the face as soon as look at you, and I kept saying “but that’s what people do.” His point was that I shouldn’t allow people to treat me that way, I should not go through life feeling that badly about myself because of something someone else did or said. But when you give a damn about another person and that's how they treat you, it hurts. “But, that’s what people do.”
Most of us use some form of social networking anymore, and anyone with any experience being online has encountered the sort of domestic cyber-terrorism I’m about to describe. There are always going to be people who will send you nasty email filled with insults they would never say to your face. People will continue to post about you where they know damn well you have access to it, saying something nasty about you without using your name for no reason but to get people to comment and say nasty things about you without them even knowing they’re talking smack right where you can read it. And, in addition, most of us have participated in it at one time or another, whether we meant to or wanted to or not.
I would not presume to say that I’m perfect and never do or say the wrong thing, by any stretch of the imagination. But there is a great deal of virtue in being able to admit when you are wrong, and if you’re going to be outspoken, you’d better either be able to clarify your position or apologize your ass off.
That being said, I’m about to do it right the fuck now.
The Backstory:
Last year, a formerly-dear former-“friend” of mine took offense to something I said on Facebook (surprise!!) and went completely ballistic. She flew into a rage, sent me the nastiest break-up email I’ve ever received from anyone, and blocked me from ever communicating with her again, leaving me unceremoniously dumped by someone who, according to said email, never liked me that much to begin with. I left her two voice mails that day, because she’d blocked me from any other form of contact, apologizing for hurting her feelings and asking her forgiveness. I was hurt by her, too, and I’m damn certain that’s exactly what she wanted. She sent me an email and then blocked me so that she could have the last word. Hey, it worked. My hat is off. I crown thee queen of passive-aggression.
The thing is, this is not normal behavior, but it becoming so. A strange sort of fucked-upness has pervaded when the connection to another human being is made so tenuous with social media in the way, and people are willing to chuck long-term friendships over Facebook. As my mom said over many glasses of riesling the other day, “imagine being a kid right now and growing up thinking that that’s how relationships are supposed to be.” Dysfunction was not born of social networking, but it does seem to live there sometimes.
The Present:
I caught up with another old friend recently. We have a history, but at this point it’s reasonably ancient. When all is screamed and done, we’ve been friends for many years. I admit that it was against my better judgment, because I know what my sister would say, but we hung out a few times. One day last week he had too much to drink so I drove him home. I thought I was doing something nice for a friend. I didn’t want him to get hurt of get in trouble. Nevertheless, he unfriended me too. Not only unfriended but blocked. Same as the other gal, only he didn’t bother with the whole disparaging email character assassination thing.
But, really.
What.
The.
Hell??
Am I that big of a problem for people?? Did I do something wrong?? Something similar happened last year, only with someone I didn’t used to date, who didn’t unfriend me, or block me. We just didn’t speak for a really long time. It’s not friggin’ fun to not be able to talk to your friends about what’s going on. I guess I feel like we’re all adults, here, and we should be able to communicate with one another as such, but apparently not. Am I the only one who thinks that this is a really fucked up way to treat people, or am I just upset because I’m the fucked up one and I don’t deserve to be treated with any modicum of human dignity?? I feel disposable, and I’m reasonably certain that this is exactly how I’m meant to feel when another person behaves this way. Like I said, some people it doesn’t matter if they're not around anymore. In fact, most of the time is doesn’t. Other times it does. Perhaps I’d be better off keeping my opinion to myself and not bothering anyone with my hurt feelings, but I do that a lot, though, and I hate it, so here I am.
What the hell is wrong with me for even having these people in my life?? People who haven’t known me very long, or who don’t know me very well, tell me I need a better quality of person in my life, and I’m beginning to agree. I used to hate those people who say things like “that person is not on my level.” I think it’s judgmental and uncouth and presumptuous and rude. I don’t understand the line of thinking that goes into one person assuming they are better than another. Perhaps I should start trying to?? People tell me my friends are losers, and I think they’re just being mean. I think it’s offensive. Perhaps they have a point??
I understand that people have lives and loved ones and that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. But, I would be lying if I said that the ways in which people insist upon shoving me out of their lives can hurt. One minute you’re friends with someone and then next, you’re just not. No explanation. I don’t understand the idea of not being friends with someone because your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, or your other friends, or whomever, don’t like them. I don’t subscribe to that theory. Perhaps this is just my unwillingness to do what I’m told in life, and it’s part of the reason I’m single, and part of the reason people treat me like this. But that’s another subject for another post.
Won’t you join me??
I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter. I’m tired of my friendship being disposable. I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding my generally pessimistic outlook when it comes to my relationships with other people. I kept bringing up the numerous ways most people will stab you in the face as soon as look at you, and I kept saying “but that’s what people do.” His point was that I shouldn’t allow people to treat me that way, I should not go through life feeling that badly about myself because of something someone else did or said. But when you give a damn about another person and that's how they treat you, it hurts. “But, that’s what people do.”
Most of us use some form of social networking anymore, and anyone with any experience being online has encountered the sort of domestic cyber-terrorism I’m about to describe. There are always going to be people who will send you nasty email filled with insults they would never say to your face. People will continue to post about you where they know damn well you have access to it, saying something nasty about you without using your name for no reason but to get people to comment and say nasty things about you without them even knowing they’re talking smack right where you can read it. And, in addition, most of us have participated in it at one time or another, whether we meant to or wanted to or not.
I would not presume to say that I’m perfect and never do or say the wrong thing, by any stretch of the imagination. But there is a great deal of virtue in being able to admit when you are wrong, and if you’re going to be outspoken, you’d better either be able to clarify your position or apologize your ass off.
That being said, I’m about to do it right the fuck now.
The Backstory:
Last year, a formerly-dear former-“friend” of mine took offense to something I said on Facebook (surprise!!) and went completely ballistic. She flew into a rage, sent me the nastiest break-up email I’ve ever received from anyone, and blocked me from ever communicating with her again, leaving me unceremoniously dumped by someone who, according to said email, never liked me that much to begin with. I left her two voice mails that day, because she’d blocked me from any other form of contact, apologizing for hurting her feelings and asking her forgiveness. I was hurt by her, too, and I’m damn certain that’s exactly what she wanted. She sent me an email and then blocked me so that she could have the last word. Hey, it worked. My hat is off. I crown thee queen of passive-aggression.
The thing is, this is not normal behavior, but it becoming so. A strange sort of fucked-upness has pervaded when the connection to another human being is made so tenuous with social media in the way, and people are willing to chuck long-term friendships over Facebook. As my mom said over many glasses of riesling the other day, “imagine being a kid right now and growing up thinking that that’s how relationships are supposed to be.” Dysfunction was not born of social networking, but it does seem to live there sometimes.
The Present:
I caught up with another old friend recently. We have a history, but at this point it’s reasonably ancient. When all is screamed and done, we’ve been friends for many years. I admit that it was against my better judgment, because I know what my sister would say, but we hung out a few times. One day last week he had too much to drink so I drove him home. I thought I was doing something nice for a friend. I didn’t want him to get hurt of get in trouble. Nevertheless, he unfriended me too. Not only unfriended but blocked. Same as the other gal, only he didn’t bother with the whole disparaging email character assassination thing.
But, really.
What.
The.
Hell??
Am I that big of a problem for people?? Did I do something wrong?? Something similar happened last year, only with someone I didn’t used to date, who didn’t unfriend me, or block me. We just didn’t speak for a really long time. It’s not friggin’ fun to not be able to talk to your friends about what’s going on. I guess I feel like we’re all adults, here, and we should be able to communicate with one another as such, but apparently not. Am I the only one who thinks that this is a really fucked up way to treat people, or am I just upset because I’m the fucked up one and I don’t deserve to be treated with any modicum of human dignity?? I feel disposable, and I’m reasonably certain that this is exactly how I’m meant to feel when another person behaves this way. Like I said, some people it doesn’t matter if they're not around anymore. In fact, most of the time is doesn’t. Other times it does. Perhaps I’d be better off keeping my opinion to myself and not bothering anyone with my hurt feelings, but I do that a lot, though, and I hate it, so here I am.
What the hell is wrong with me for even having these people in my life?? People who haven’t known me very long, or who don’t know me very well, tell me I need a better quality of person in my life, and I’m beginning to agree. I used to hate those people who say things like “that person is not on my level.” I think it’s judgmental and uncouth and presumptuous and rude. I don’t understand the line of thinking that goes into one person assuming they are better than another. Perhaps I should start trying to?? People tell me my friends are losers, and I think they’re just being mean. I think it’s offensive. Perhaps they have a point??
I understand that people have lives and loved ones and that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. But, I would be lying if I said that the ways in which people insist upon shoving me out of their lives can hurt. One minute you’re friends with someone and then next, you’re just not. No explanation. I don’t understand the idea of not being friends with someone because your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, or your other friends, or whomever, don’t like them. I don’t subscribe to that theory. Perhaps this is just my unwillingness to do what I’m told in life, and it’s part of the reason I’m single, and part of the reason people treat me like this. But that’s another subject for another post.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Gluten-Free Beer Fart.
Last week, my mom and I were discussing the different diets that come with having different food allergies and sensitivities. I have several friends with sensitivities to gluten, so for a while I tried a gluten-free diet. Having been toying with being vegan for a few months, being gluten-free was a lot more difficult. In any case, I told my mom, "when I eat more gluten-free, I fart less."
Last Sunday we were at the ballgame and my mom ordered a gluten-free beer, dropping this little tidbit of wisdom that still makes me chuckle: "I wonder if gluten-free beer makes you fart less??"
Just a thought.
Last Sunday we were at the ballgame and my mom ordered a gluten-free beer, dropping this little tidbit of wisdom that still makes me chuckle: "I wonder if gluten-free beer makes you fart less??"
Just a thought.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A Time to Grieve.
About five years ago, I experienced a downturn in my life that was both scary and disappointing. No one died, but I thought I had lost a job I loved, a person I loved, at the same time as going through some personal turmoil due to a bad investment I had made. I had a counselor that I cried to; spilled my guts hoping to remove all the badness and come out on the other side. Instead, he completely shut me down. He told me that I was wallowing in self-pity and that I should concentrate on the positive side. To this day I’m still not sure what the positive side of losing one’s job, the man one thought one was going to marry, and one’s freedom in less than a month’s time is, but I suppose that just makes me nothing more than a Negative Nancy.
In any case, I was hurting, badly, and to have that shat upon, having my feelings invalidated by someone who was supposed to help me improve my situation, hurt even more. Mind you, all of this bogusness fell out of this man’s face within the first few weeks he was counseling me, so it’s not as though I had been crying on his couch for months on end. I was sad and depressed and angry and scared of what would happen next, and the Positivity Police were trying to get me to turn that frown upside down, as though it were that simple. Maybe for some people it is?? It’s a nice thought, but as time has gone on and I’ve experienced other, different losses in life and watched people I care deeply for lose friends, homes, loved ones, jobs, marriages, children, experience disease, disability and be diagnosed with life-altering medical conditions, it only makes me more angry when they are shut down, the way I was shut down, for expressing their hurt and anger.
Human beings experience emotions that other human beings do not like to have to deal with. Just because a person is angry or depressed because they are going through something does not make them an angry, depressed person. When someone experiences a loss, no matter how trivial it may seem to the eternal optimist, what that person needs may not be a shot in the arm of sunshine but for you to give a damn about how they feel, let them feel that way for a little while, listen to them and be there as they work through it. Then cometh the power of positivity. Shoving it down a sad person’s throat doesn’t help them; sometimes it makes them feel more alone. And telling someone who is going through something that their feelings are wrong is just a shitty thing to do to a friend.
Anger and sadness are parts of grieving whether a person is seven and their cat dies, sixteen and their first boyfriend turns out to be a dud, or thirty and their dream job just bottomed out. Grief is grief is grief. No one can turn it off or make it magically go away, though some people are better at hiding it than others. If you care about a person, do you have to agree with them 100% of the time?? Give them a hug, let them be upset. Get them through this. If it goes on too long, then by all means tell them that they need to either start helping themselves or find a professional because there is only so much a friend can do. But blaming a sad person for being sad isn’t going to make them un-sad. The school of “don’t let it get to you” is quite often nonsense, because the bad shit gets to all of us at some point in time or another. We’re human beings and we came with feelings, some of which are not fun or enjoyable for anyone. But we have them, and we need each other when we do.
In any case, I was hurting, badly, and to have that shat upon, having my feelings invalidated by someone who was supposed to help me improve my situation, hurt even more. Mind you, all of this bogusness fell out of this man’s face within the first few weeks he was counseling me, so it’s not as though I had been crying on his couch for months on end. I was sad and depressed and angry and scared of what would happen next, and the Positivity Police were trying to get me to turn that frown upside down, as though it were that simple. Maybe for some people it is?? It’s a nice thought, but as time has gone on and I’ve experienced other, different losses in life and watched people I care deeply for lose friends, homes, loved ones, jobs, marriages, children, experience disease, disability and be diagnosed with life-altering medical conditions, it only makes me more angry when they are shut down, the way I was shut down, for expressing their hurt and anger.
Human beings experience emotions that other human beings do not like to have to deal with. Just because a person is angry or depressed because they are going through something does not make them an angry, depressed person. When someone experiences a loss, no matter how trivial it may seem to the eternal optimist, what that person needs may not be a shot in the arm of sunshine but for you to give a damn about how they feel, let them feel that way for a little while, listen to them and be there as they work through it. Then cometh the power of positivity. Shoving it down a sad person’s throat doesn’t help them; sometimes it makes them feel more alone. And telling someone who is going through something that their feelings are wrong is just a shitty thing to do to a friend.
Anger and sadness are parts of grieving whether a person is seven and their cat dies, sixteen and their first boyfriend turns out to be a dud, or thirty and their dream job just bottomed out. Grief is grief is grief. No one can turn it off or make it magically go away, though some people are better at hiding it than others. If you care about a person, do you have to agree with them 100% of the time?? Give them a hug, let them be upset. Get them through this. If it goes on too long, then by all means tell them that they need to either start helping themselves or find a professional because there is only so much a friend can do. But blaming a sad person for being sad isn’t going to make them un-sad. The school of “don’t let it get to you” is quite often nonsense, because the bad shit gets to all of us at some point in time or another. We’re human beings and we came with feelings, some of which are not fun or enjoyable for anyone. But we have them, and we need each other when we do.
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