"So-Called Women's Rights"

I’ve been thinking about something someone said when she commented on a post my mom made on Facebook on election night. It kind of ties into my last blog, which is I guess why I’m thinking about it again. I don’t even remember what my mom’s post was about. I think it said something to the effect of “whew, election season is over!!” So, anyway, this woman replied by saying that she was sick of hearing all this garbage about what she referred to as “so-called women’s rights.” My knee-jerk reaction in my head was something along the lines of “fuck you, bitch. What do you know about it??”

And then I got to thinking about it myself. What would possess a woman my age to not even have the slightest deference to the movement that has given her so many rights?? I mean, she votes. She drives a car, and she and her daughters are not considered the property of her husband. Where does she think all that came from?? Really, that’s just the tip of the iceberg for me, because what she said really kind of did piss me off.

So, I asked my mom, “what do you think she meant by that??” I don’t know this woman very well. We’ve met a handful of times, though I’ve known her husband’s family since childhood. She and her husband are uber-conservative, obviously, but in such a way that when they talk they sound like they’ve been living in a plastic bubble, sheltered from what the rest of the world outside their smart little self-made enclave have to work with. And, yes: I do think there is something wrong with that. She and her husband believe that no woman should be allowed to have an abortion; anywhere, anytime, ever, so obviously their opinion should be the law. Now, I don’t take issue with people who don’t agree with abortion, but I do have a problem with women who think that all other women’s rights should be taken away from them because she thinks abortion is wrong.

Roe vs. Wade is about so much more than just abortion. I wish more people understood that. It’s about women having the agency to make our own reproductive choices, which sometimes includes abortion. We can take birth control or leave it. We can have an abortion, safely and legally, or not. But there’s this attitude like being pro-choice means that we should all have abortions because they’re so much fun, and that is simply not true. I wish people like that, like her, would sit up straight and pay attention instead of just deciding that because she doesn’t like abortion that no one should be able to use birth control at all. Because that’s what her candidate said, out loud, multiple times.

My mom mentioned that this woman thought that some of the language surrounding “so-called women’s rights” is too vulgar; for example, they say vagina. Now, I get that not everyone wants to have their personal anatomy discussed on the public forum, but come on. Crusty old white guys want to tell women what to do with said vaginas, yet they make women leave the room because they’re so disgusted with the word being said out loud. It’s just a word. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. It’s an anatomically correct descriptor. Act like a big kid and deal with it instead of hiding from it behind some patriarchal 1950s idea of what women are allowed to do and say. I don’t get it. It’s not even a dirty word. Even if we’re on the shy side and only say the word “vagina” to our doctors, it’s medically accurate and still not a bad word. I’m left to wonder if the real problem she has is that strong, independent women who make decisions for themselves scare her because she’s not one.

In any case, I think the word itself is just a precursor to what the issue may actually be: perhaps the women aligned with “so-called women’s rights” are too aggressive for her?? I mean, I love Margaret Cho, but she’s definitely not for everyone. I mean, I think that’s kind of a wimpy stance to take on being a woman, but to each her own.

She and her husband are nice, sweet people. They have a home and two beautiful children. They’ve cultivated the life for themselves that they wanted, and for that I genuinely commend them. I know they’ve had some heartache and scary times, and I thought about them all the time while they were. I’m not at all trying to malign this woman or her husband for being bad people. But does that mean everyone should live their lives exactly as she had, because if we do we’ll never have to think about our rights because everything will be taken care of by our husbands?? It’s a lovely idea, but not all of us want husbands. What would she do with that idea??

My mom also mentioned that this woman was in favor of equal pay for women, which struck me as odd. So, reproductive health care is “so-called women’s rights” but pay equality is a real women’s right?? For most of us, repro health care is an economic matter; not just equal pay. Is it because she remained a virgin until marriage and has purely procreative sex that it’s what we all should do?? I’m mystified.

Sometimes I try too hard to get into other people’s heads.

Thanksgiving and Jacoby Miles

Six days ago, a fifteen-year-old gymnast named Jacoby Miles sustained a life-alerting injury at a local gymnastics gym. She fell off the bars doing a dismount she’d done hundreds of times, pinching her spinal cord and paralyzing her from the chest down. I haven’t stopped thinking of her since I heard about what happened. I had tears in my eyes watching the news video clip, and it’s probably for a number of reasons.

When I was fifteen, I torked my back doing a beam dismount I’d done hundreds of times. Five months later, I was diagnosed with a severe stress fracture in a vertebrae most people don’t have: the congenital abnormality of a 6th lumbar. It bored the living shit out of me, but I was out of the gym for ten months. I hated it. I didn’t want to sit still. I wanted to be in the gym, where I had friends and had a good time. I spent as much time hanging out there as the staff would allow, because for me it was the only place I felt like I fit in. As I went from agonizing back pain every day to feeling physically regular, mentally I was angry because the only thing I really loved to do, other than write, was taken away from me.

The injury never completely healed, but eventually after those ten boring-ass months of rehab I was able to come back. I went on to compete a few more years, eventually becoming a gymnastics coach, which I’ve been for fifteen years, and now I have a fifteen-year-old daughter who is a competitive level 7 gymnast.

Sometimes my back still hurts. It’s a signal of something I never knew how to do when I was a kid: stop. I used to just run through everything until I was so sore I couldn’t move, and as I’ve grown older I’ve had to learn how to slow down and listen to my body.

But I remember how often I cried and how sad I was without gymnastics, and that’s a huge part of why my heart goes out to Jacoby. According to the articles I’ve read, the doctors are saying it could take a miracle for her to walk again. As my mom said, “if anyone can do it, it’s a gymnast.” We’re strong and determined. I can’t imagine what it would have been like at fifteen to be injured so badly that I had to be in a wheelchair. It was enough hell at such a young age to go through rehabbing the injury I have. I can’t reconcile in my head what Jacoby’s experience will be like, but my heart most certainly goes with her on her journey.

As I’ve said, I've coached gymnastics in the Seattle area for fifteen years. If Jacoby had been one of the kids I’ve coached, or any of the kids on my daughter’s gymnastics team, I would be absolutely beside myself. My daughter’s recreational optional team has competed against Roach Gymnastics, Jacoby’s home gym. It’s horrifying enough to hear that such a rare accident as this even happened, but to have it happen locally, to a member of our gymnastics community, really brings reality home. It could be any of us, at any time. But hearing how many people have rallied behind Jacoby and her family, seeing how many news organizations are spreading her story far and wide, encouraging folks to give donations to the Miles family, is 50 shades of awesome. Tweets from American gymnastics royalty like Gabrielle Douglas, Nastia Liukin and Chellsie Memmel, and support from people all around the nation: it’s phenomenal. It reminds me that my little incestuous gymnastics community, where everyone knows everyone, is a part of a larger gymnastics community. And we stand together with our own.

It’s been an especially difficult few weeks for me personally. Without oversharing, I can tell you that no one died but it’s still been hard to get up in the morning. My own fifteen-year-old daughter sprained her ankle at a gymnastics competition, and the same week she also got a sinus infection. Small proverbial potatoes compared to Jacoby’s circumstances, and un-fucking believably hard to watch. We want our kids to be healthy and happy, and to have the things they want (within reason). To watch them in pain is nothing short of hell on earth. One of the things I’ve focused on, even as my life has become more complicated recently, is that my daughter’s injury and illness were not that bad. It was little more than an uncomfortable and temporary annoyance. The ankle turned out not to be as bad as we’d initially thought, and antibiotic knocked the sinus infection out for now. For that, I’ve been thanking my lucky fucking stars every day. While she dodged a bullet, another kid is taking one, and it breaks my heart.

I’m not going to end this post by spewing irritating platitudes about how everything happens for a reason. I remain unconvinced that it does. Some days you just feel like the universe is conspiring against you. Maybe it is, though I tend to think that the universe has bigger shit to deal with than most of our little lives. In any case, some things happen for no reason other than that they happen. And we get up the next day and move forward whether we feel good or not. It happens to all of us, in a myriad of different ways, every day.

So this Thanksgiving, instead of the usual “I’m thankful for my family and friends and God,” or whatever everyone’s 30 Days of Thankful on Facebook says, I remain thankful every day for a healthy kid, and to be a part of a gymnastics community that truly does take care of its own.

And I wish nothing but health and happiness for Jacoby, her family, and her teammates.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

For more information on how you may show support and make a donation to Jacoby's family visit www.goteamjacoby.com and show a little love this shopping season.

Drug Testing the Poor

I’m going to address something that’s been bothering me for some time. Last night I read an article in the New York Times informing readers that the state of Florida’s mandatory drug testing for those seeking public assistance hasn’t been effective in saving money, catching drug offenders, had an effect on the number of folks applying for assistance, and in fact has cost the state tens of thousands of dollars in just four months.

And yet, all over my Facebook page I read friends’ posts about how more states should do this, and that is what I’d like to talk about.

Being poor is not the free ride right-wing politicians and pundits will have people believe it is. In fact, it’s hell. I hate it. It’s a waking nightmare, and in addition to being depressing, difficult, and terrifying, sometimes unbearably so, poor people are called names. Freeloader, moocher, idiot, slut, and now we’re being told that somehow we must be poor because we’re spending all our money on drugs.

Pardon me, but fuck you. Fuck you for your sweeping and erroneous generalization. We’re not all crackheads any more than we are all sluts or freeloaders, and I resent the implication. Of course there are exceptions. I don’t think anyone would dispute that. But to lump all poor people together and shame them into having their privacy disturbed is not only shitty but is also being called unconstitutional.

And don’t give me that nonsense about how your employer makes you take a drug test. Boo-fuckin’-hoo. At least you're fortunate enough to have an employer. And, if I’m not mistaken, you chose to be employed by them. Purely anecdotal, but I’ve known plenty of people who have turned down jobs because they felt like mandatory drug testing is a violation of privacy. And, yes, I have made a series of miscalculations in my life that have resulted in my being poor, but that is a far cry from making a conscious decision to be poor. Your argument is invalid.

Think about all this for a minute. I’m not really expecting to change minds, but pause for a moment and let what I’ve said sink in, and think about the people in your life who are struggling just to stay afloat in this world before you post something that passes judgment on those of us who have had to ask for help. It's not fun. It's not a joke. We're not laughing at the taxpayers who help us out. If you pay attention you'll find that most people like me are humbled and grateful that our government does sometimes help people when they need it, because it's not easy out there. For anyone, I know that. Just think about it for a sec.

"The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class."

George Carlin