Out There: The Formidable World of Long-Term Unemployment

Being unemployed, or underemployed, is a royal pain in the ass. I suppose there's a more couth way of describing the experience, but why bother. In fact, why fucking bother?? Having run the gamut between part-time, temporary, desperately underemployed, off-time (as in unpaid breaks during sessions of classes and / or holiday breaks) myself, and now completely laid off, I feel as though I have enough experience as someone with a lack of a job to be at least kind-of an expert.

Where's the job listing for that shit??

Searching for employment in the information age, where everything is so available to us, can be especially excruciating when people ask with cloying sincerity, “have you tried Craigslist??” or “have you heard of Google??” I wish I were shitting you, but I've been asked that multiple times. I know that people – or at least I feel like most of the people that I talk to – are trying to help. Bless their hearts, but do they think I got my Bachelor's degree under a rock?? When the former editress of the college paper I was writing for legit asked me if I'd heard of Google, I wanted to end it right there. Honestly, I love her, but for me there was nowhere to go but down. And, for you double entendre fans out there, not in a good way. More of an Edmund Fitzgerald, Oso mudslide kind of 'down.' (Too soon??)

The application process has changed with the uprising of online culture. A good friend of mine suggested I go to the places I'm applying and speak to someone directly. While there are still some careers and some places where this is useful, now that I've pared down my search to online freelance work there's really no place for me to go to. Even local ads on Craigslist and Indeed don't often give potential applicants a location, let alone and individual to contact. It's probably smart on their part because of those of us that would totally be on board with pulling a Rory Gilmore and camping out in the lobby until someone gives us something to do.

The search itself can be bad enough. I've been asked for a headshot when applying for a job at a summer camp. I've been asked to submit my college transcripts (which cost money to obtain, yo) for a job that did not require a college degree. I've filled out numerous lengthy aptitude tests and ethics exams for jobs that paid minimum wage, some of which weren't even hiring at the time. I was kicked off Care.com for having my background check tell a potential client that I had committed six felonies in one day. That one was news to me. At the ripe old age of twenty-four I was told I was too old to be a promo girl. That one sounded more like, “why aren't you prettier??”

These are all such charming anecdotes, aren't they?? They'll make a really great book one day. Maybe.

Things more recently, however, have been looking increasingly grim. Not just grim as in unpleasant; grim like a Tama Janowitz novel. Looking for regular work has become a source of anxiety that I'm not proud of. It's still there, of course. It's just that no one really wants to hear about it when they're heard about it already. Anyway.

Cut to the recent rejections. A couple of them have been doozies.

I'm trying to begin a new career, and my progress has been hindered by this thing called life, but I'm still trying. I'm not going to stop trying. I'm going to grit my teeth and try again, no matter how much more painful, stressful, daunting and humiliating the results become.

Little did I know when I wrote that last sentence that they were about to get exponentially more painful, stressful, daunting and humiliating. Stay tuned.

A few months ago I received an absolutely scathing rejection letter. I mean, this place made no pretense of sparing my feelings. No “we don't feel like you'd be a good fit,” or “maybe apply again at a later time.” This one went straight for the jugular. My application piece was called “awkward” and “riddled with typos.” It wasn't, by the way. I proofread it both before and after the application process. They went on to say that they “simply do not have a staff of editors available to work with someone like me.” I thought I'd done a good job; or at least a halfway decent job. I admit it. I cried all day when I got that letter. It still burns, when I think about it. And how can I not think about it?? If I don't think about it, how will I do better next time?? At least sometimes, when I feel like getting my hopes up about something that seems like it would be cool and for me, and I know that whatever it is I'm doing is wrong and I have to fix it. But I've come to expect rejection, if I get a reply at all, and that ain't good.

My friends and former colleagues ask me to send them my resume, which I've tailored so many times I makes Paris Gellar look like Spicoli. On one unfortunate occasion a few years back, a friend's sister offered to stick her neck out for me and pass my resume along for a position that was opening up where she worked at the time. I told her I'd have my resume to her by Sunday, and after a busy weekend my flash drive had shit the bed and I had to start from scratch. Which I did: over cold, stale coffee, at 5 am Sunday morning, in the dark, in a room full of sleeping fifth graders that had a late-night sleepover party in the bedroom next to mine. It came as no surprise, although with a great deal of disappointment, that my pasted-together-at-the-last minute resume, which this time actually was riddled with typos (and absolutely no applicable experience for the job), was not what the company was looking for. I exhausted myself for jack and shit. And jack muthafuckin' left town. Now I'm afraid to send my resume to friends. I'm afraid they'll see how inadequate I really am.

I sent one to a friend recently that was willing to put in a good word for me at a company she used to work for. I didn't expect much, because there is nothing about me, my resume, my experience, my appearance, my demeanor, or anything else even remotely related to my person that says 'leasing agent,' but I am no longer in a place to be picky and she was trying to help me out. I've faked it and failed at ten other careers; hell, what's one more?? I waited tables in a strip joint, sold lingerie, cleaned houses, bartended, worked in a laundromat, taught gymnastics, nannied, taught preschool, had numerous unpaid writing gigs, written SEO content, worked as an executive sales associate, and interned at a production company. Sometimes I did several of these things at once because the jobs were either temporary, part-time, or both. One year I had 8 W2s. You can say a lot of things about me, but you can't say I didn't try my ass off to make ends meet. What's once more?? Shit, I recently read an ad for an actress to play a waitress for the Twin Peaks revamp: busty brunette. I could pull that shit off. “Must live in Los Angeles area.” Nevermind that Twin Peaks was filmed near Seattle. In any case, I never heard back from the leasing agent job.

Fuckit.

And then the truth hit the fan. A friend and former colleague recently suggested I apply for a job that was opening up at a place where I used to work. I checked it out online, submitted my application, and waited. And waited. Then came the long, rambling voice mail about how the position has been filled and I should apply again in the fall. The position was filled by a younger, less experienced woman from another facility; a facility I worked at when I was younger and less experienced. Another employee told me straight-up. No hemming. No hawing. No rambling. Just, yeah. And I feel quite a little fucked over.

Kind of like the last job I had, but I'm going to shelter you from that one. At least from now.

So what is the next step?? I've heard that some people hire someone to help find themselves a job. What I don't understand is where someone that is unemployed gets the money to hire someone to do anything. It's disheartening. It's discouraging. It's exhausting. Putting myself out there and being turned down, denied, repeatedly. If you Google 'unemployed' (or any related search term) you'll find a lot of cruel jokes about people like me. It's bad enough to be the eternal recipient of NO, but to be made fun of for it en masse just makes it more soul-crushing.

I know, I know. “Don't let it get to you. Don't dwell on it.” But riddle me this, oh, purveyors of undaunted optimism: how?? We're talking about years of let-downs. As a human being, how does one simply just not give a fuck when one is poor and living off the good graces of others?? I have the desire and ability to work. Yes, there are opportunities out there that are just not going to work out. But this is about how to handle rejection. Lots and lots of being passed over, being told 'thanks, but no thanks,' over and over and over again, what feels like ad infinitum. I don't want to be someone that gives up looking, but I have to be honest; I understand why so many people do. It starts to sound like you're not good enough, and then it starts to feel like you're not good enough, and that wears a person down over time. Platitudes are nice little conversational buffers when someone doesn't know what to say, but they don't really mean anything.

“Who cares what people think??” I've been asked a few thousand times. When you're unemployed?? Lots of people. When you submit a resume, when you apply, when you interview, you have to care what other people think. You're essentially selling yourself, or the idea of what a good self you would be to have around. If the person on the other side of the desk doesn't like you, or your credentials, or lack-thereof, or what you're wearing, or that your resume takes up more than 300 words, or that you took Oceanography as a lab science (true story), you're out-ski. Both of you have gone out of your way to spend time getting to know one another, so you kind of have to give a shit what the other person thinks. It becomes like a horrible date, especially when it does not result in employment. Yes. You have to care what someone else thinks. If you're lucky enough to have your resume and cover letter read and have the opportunity to be called forth for an interview, you bet your sweet tuchus you have to care.

Self-tests?? Been there. Practice interviews?? Done that. Frankly all of this means nothing when one considers the last interview I had was almost three years ago and it was for an internship. If I scored an interview today, I would be hard-pressed to not offer to wash the interviewer's feet with my hair just for allowing me into the building. Nevermind that none of my interview clothes fit anymore because, well, my last interview was ten lbs ago, and if the unfathomable happens and I actually get to spend ten minutes being scrutinized in person, I'm at risk for looking like I'm trying to look ten years younger than I actually am.

So, I'm tired. I'm flummoxed. I'm out of ideas.

Sluts.

Conservatives. I try not to take what they have to say personally. I mean, I know they're not talking about me-me. They're just making sweeping and erroneous judgment calls about people that are like me, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't piss me off sometimes.

This week I'm continuing to read about Hobby Lobby and their sanctimonious ilk not wanting to provide contraception to their employers because according to their uber-conservo logic, contraceptives are the same thing as abortion. Never mind scientific evidence and the simple fact that if one is not pregnant one cannot have an abortion. Reality appears to have no jurisdiction in their dark and scary land of cautionary tales; uteri littered with the remnants of tiny dead people, Kermit Gosnell and his house of – I think we can all agree on this – horrors. But they seem to be going us one more, and in a strange direction: any pregnancy that may have occurred but did not is an abomination. No condoms, no pills, no IUDs, no rings, no Depo, no nothing. Every sperm is sacred, as Monty Python once said.

And just so we're square, this line of 'infringement on religious freedom' is also brought to you by the folks that brought to the news an employee that said something pretty dickish to a Jewish customer about why they don't have Jewish holiday things there. But I digress.

Then the sex-negative education push gets in my mental pathway and I am left to wonder: if married grown-ups imbibe and use birth control, they're wrong, too?? Family planning at all is unacceptable?? In the world of failed abstinence-only education, even when married (or otherwise committed-to-one-another people) can't practice medical birth control for any reason whatsoever??

I can't get there.

I can't help but feel a little lost during all this nonsensical discourse. It's been a difficult year, in that respect. These policies, and proposed policies, hit me directly. Sometimes the comments people make hit me more directly than others, and not in a good way.

I've written about this in the past, so maybe you know this already. I got HPV from a guy that I had dated. Twice. HPV can clear up, but sometimes the damage it does to a woman's body does not. That's me. I had a hysterectomy at thirty-three because the HPV gave me such a tumor-ridden cervix and uterus that most of the baby-making factory had to go. I was fine with it. I wasn't planning on having any more kids anyway. It's still scary, though. This person that was with me and wanted to have a family, even though I didn't, gave me a virus that made it so that I would never be able to produce a family, in the biological and traditional sense of the word. Don't get me wrong; I hated being pregnant. He didn't know he had it, so I don't blame him. HPV affects women; not men. The irony of the man that was mad at me for not wanting kids with him made it so that I couldn't have kids with anyone, right??

Anyway.

I didn't qualify for any kind of medical care that I could afford until Governor Gregoire fast-tracked the policies of the Affordable Health Care Act in Washington State. One of the first things that happened to me once I finally had coverage, for the first time in my adult life, was my diagnosis. Scary, lonely, shitty. And all the while, all around me, people are shitting all over the ACA. The reason I'm not dying is such a bone of contention for so many conservatives.

How does this tie into the whole Hobby Lobby controversy?? Join me, won't you . . .

Let's take Pam Stenzel, for example. An abstinence-only “educator” that spent years working at the government-funded religious organization Crisis Pregnancy Centers, shaming sexually active young women, and now is paid to speak to young people in public schools around the country (and the world, as she claims).

Just let me side-bar for a second here and say that abstinence can be a wonderful thing. If that's what's right for you, then you go. There is absolutely no shame in abstaining. I want to make that clear. However, there should also be no shame in not abstaining, if that's your choice. I do not subscribe to the theory that sex is purely for procreation. It is okay to have recreational sex. We live in a world with lots of scary diseases, and an unplanned pregnancy can suck out loud, but we have a myriad of ways to make choices about the sex we choose to have responsibly. So when people that fancy themselves educators, such as Pam Stenzel, use shame and blame tactics to frighten young people into abstaining, I think that's kind of bullshit. Sex is biological. We all want to get schtupped, and that's okay. But shaming is mean, and it doesn't work. (Okie-dokie, Ann Coulter – you suck as a human being).

Pam Stenzel is quoted as having told a room full of high school students recently that “if you take birth control, your mother probably hates you.” That's not even slut-shaming; that's an attempt to shame something like 99% of all women, because that's about how many of us have used birth control during our lives. To call that “slut-shaming” insinuates that all these women are sluts, which is a smelly pile or bull feces. It blows my mind that this woman gets a big ol' paycheck saying things like that about most of the population of American women. What IS that??

I've read articles in which young women that are not considered “pure” are compared to ABC gum. What kind of a horrible thing is that to say to a person, let alone a kid?? According to these purity-purists, you're as disgusting as trash if you have sex outside of marriage. Not even recyclabes: TRASH.

And then there's the believe that people that can't procreate traditionally (an argument usually projected at gay people) should not be allowed to get married, because marriage is for procreation. If there are people out there that don't want to make babies, then they shouldn't get married.

This fucking sucks!! These people and their weird ideas for how others should live their lives are really, truly ugly and usually poorly thought out.

But during the time last year when I was scared for my dirty, slutty, cancer-riddled life, some of these messages got to me in a way I wish they hadn't. But they did.

I can't have babies, so I should not experience love or sex or a relationship. I should put on my spinster dress and get some more cats and plants. I like cats and plants and everything, but is my status as someone that can no longer produce really mean that I can't be loved?? Or, let's go there folks: fucked?? I don't deserve intimacy or companionship or kisses because I am one of the Slutty McSlut-Sluts that lost her child-bearing abilities to a virus that happens to sluts when they go around being slutty.

See?? Modest is hottest. Virginity is in. And if that's not you, then you are a whore and you deserve what you get.

Well, I don't accept that. I don't think other people should have to accept that, either. Some of these speakers receive exorbitant amounts of money to preach faith-based ideas in public schools which, frankly, should be illegal. But it also burns my biscuits that these assholes are paid to compare our kids to trash in order to get their point across. It's disgusting, and people that do that should be ashamed of themselves.

And that's where my difficulty begins. Are those of us that are unable or uninterested in furthering the species to be treated at second-class citizens?? Society is already pretty mean to gay people about it. We've been pretty mean to people of color about it. Women that don't wish to go into the baby-making business are treated pretty shittily. Is that really what all of this about?? That only the viably fertile deserve physical and emotional love??

Like I said, I try not to listen to these assholes, because they seem to have a pretty incendiary things to say to people with different ideas. But sometimes it works: it hurts. It's not effective in reducing rates of young people going at it, but it does do harm when shaming people that are already vulnerable. Part of me does feel singled out by the whole thing. 'YOU, Sasa, are a slut. YOU did this to yourself. YOU deserve every terrible thing that happens to you, because YOU did not do things the way I said God said to. No one will ever love you.”

This is how we talk to people, or allow people to be talked to.

1,000 Words on Carlotta Ferlito

I'd like to address the allegations of racism made against 18-year-old Italian gymnast, Carlotta Ferlito. It's received some mainstream press in the United States; not just on the “gymternet.” Following the balance beam final at the World Championships last Sunday Ms. Ferlito, who finished in 5th place, was quoted as saying "I told (teammate Vanessa Ferrari) that next time we should also paint our skin black so then we can win, too." Her comment was meant to be funny, but was not seen as so by the individual at which it was pointed: African American gymnast and newly-crowned World All-Around Champion and bronze medalist on the beam, Simone Biles. Or by pretty much anyone else, for that matter.

Now, I agree that what she said comes across as racist. However, she has publicly apologized to Ms. Biles and admitted that what she said was wrong. I'm the kind of person that is all in favor of second chances. One rude comment does not an inherent racist make. I know I've made stupid comments that hurt people's feeling before. I was fortunate enough to have not made them on an international livestream. She was trying to be funny and it backfired. I think we've all experienced the consequences of that in our lives, and I think Ms. Ferlito should be forgiven.

I'd been secretly wondering when some of the women gymnasts that have been around for a while were going to get sick of having their asses handed to them by little black girls from the United States. As an American gymnast, coach, gym parent, and fan, I am a huge fan of Simone Biles and Gabrielle Douglas, but I have seen them come out of nowhere onto the international scene and clean house. Of course, so did Carly Patterson and Jordyn Wieber. It remains to be seen whether that pissed anybody off, although Ms. Ferlito also stated publicly that she feels like the judges protect the American gymnasts and make sure they win. I'm also a big fan of the Italian gymnasts and their unique style and sass, but this could have less to do with abject racism and more to do with poor sportsmanship.

In the wake of her disappointing finish just four days ago, Ms. Ferlito also tweeted that Ms. Biles had done a bad job and that she did not deserve her medal. The fact of the matter is that no one had the routine of their life on beam that day. The favorite, Romania's Larisa Iorache, fell and the underdog, Russia's Aliya Mustafina won, and everyone in between did okay. It's true that Simone Biles was shaky and nearly took a bite out of the end of the beam on her dismount, but on a day when no one is quite 100% that's all it takes. There were scoring inquiries filed on behalf of both American gymnasts, Ms. Biles and “Fierce Five” member Kyla Ross. I thought this was to be expected. This is a new Olympic cycle and a brand new code of points. This is the season for controversy in gymnastics. And while I understand that the way things panned out for Ms. Ferlito was disappointing for her, the way she handled herself even outside of the potentially-racist comment she made was out of line.

In any case, I've only done a small amount of reading on the subject, but I know that there are African-Italian people in Italy. Other than knowing that they exist, I have no further idea of what racial and ethnic diversity is like in Italy. Her life experience may be one where her exposure to black people is limited, thereby causing her to speak out of ignorance rather than of racism. I hope that this is a learning experience for her and that she will be able to be more culturally sensitive in the future.

When you're a good person, it's difficult to have people think of you in the context as the worst thing you've ever done. If she takes from this experience a life lesson, then I see no reason not to forgive her her trespasses. If she does it again?? Then I'll call her a racist.

Just to make sure things got worse, a spokesman from the Italian Gymnastics Federation decided to jump in the hole and start digging. On the IGF Facebook page, one Mr. David Ciaralli defended Ms. Ferlito in a way that smacks of unfettered hubris and racism. What he should have said was “sorry.” What he did was delve into an unnecessary and insensitive analysis of the body types and abilities of people of African decent, like he's some kind of anthropologist. The whole thing read like a Tea Party politician mansplaining why white people are different from “colored” people. As it turns out, he had to apologize, as well. Frankly, Ms. Ferlito's bad joke was small potatoes when contrasted with the asinine diatribe offered by this stooge. And, yes. Sometimes people make mistakes. But it's much easier to forgive a younger person that said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment than a grown-ass man who had the time to sit and think about what he wrote and posted on the internet. All he managed to do was make the whole kerfuffle worse.

I don't like seeing my beloved sport embroiled in this kind of controversy. One of the things gymnastics is supposed to teach its participants is sportsmanship: how to show support for the other competitors and how to win – and lose – graciously and gracefully. It's a shame when things don't go down this way, especially when it becomes an international public spectacle. It's embarrassing and it's bad for business.

So, Ms. Biles, your parents were right: don't let what's happened this week ruin this moment for you. You've worked hard, you did your job, and the rest is in the hands of the judges. Ms. Ferlito, let this experience make you a better person and teach you to think before you speak. Mr. Ciaralli, please never post anything on the internet ever again.

Violence: Why We Are Trayvon

There are a myriad of reasons why the murder, the trial, the circumstances, and the verdict of the Trayvon Martin case matter and why everyone should care. I think it's difficult for some people because the issue becomes about race, or about guns, or about violence, or about young people, when it's all of that and more. I think we, as a society, get too bogged down in our thoughts on one subject and when things like this happen we're polarized by it because it's all about one thing. Sandy Hook is another good example of this, but that's not what I've been thinking about today.

It's about guns.

We have some laws concerning weapons and firearms in this country that are janky as hell. Some say we're not enforcing the laws we have; to which I say then we need to be doing something other than what we're doing. Some say our laws aren't strict enough; to which I say we need to be doing something other than what we're doing. Some say that having laws concerning weapons and firearms is treading on our Second Amendment rights; to which I say deal. With rights come responsibilities, and some of these crazy-ass people wailing about their rights really should check themselves.

Now, I'm afraid of guns. I'm also afraid of cold water, dead things, and militant republicans, but I do not like guns. I understand that I have the right to keep and bear arms, and I think that's a beautiful thing. However, I like to drink and have a bad temper, and my temper does not need a loaded firearm. That's just me. I have the right to choose not to be armed, and I like having that right, too. Just because we can do something does not mean it is a good idea, and there are folks whose arguments (usually ARGUMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that I've read and heard about that make me wish more people thought critically about maybe not being armed. ARE THESE REALLY THE PEOPLE WE WANT HAVING ACCESS TO WEAPONS?? THE ALL-CAPS PEOPLE?? Are they pissed, or do they just type loud?? They can be scarier than an unarmed black child.

Seriously, folks. Just because you can does not mean you must, and just because some people want there to be open, forthright discussion regarding who, when, and why individuals carry does not mean that you'll no longer be able to bring a loaded pink gun to the country club like Whitney on Big, Rich Texas. I know I would do something stupid like drop my loaded gun and have it hit some innocent person who is just buying groceries. I'd be the dipshit you read about that blows a hole in the bottom of her purse and shoots a friend's kneecap off. So, I don't carry firearms. I'm just sayin' that sometimes I wish more people would examine why they exercise their rights rather than just doing so because they can. We also have freedom of speech; doesn't mean we should not consider the ramifications of the things we say. Ya dig??

Now, I'm not a constitutional scholar, but wasn't the thing written so that we could change it in the future?? Isn't that why we have amendments in the first place?? I'm not trying to go off on a didactic tangent like I know something everyone else doesn't, but come on. Let's get real: there are people who are simply not responsible enough to legally keep and bear arms. As the great Judy Tenuta once said, “wear sleeveless gowns.” If you're too irresponsible to operate a motor vehicle you lose your license. If you're too irresponsible to take care of your kids they get taken away from you. Maybe I'm cray-cray, but should the same not be true for firearms??

Especially military-style ones, but perhaps that's another subject for another time. What's the problem with telling people no?? I understand that some people don't like the word no, and that saying no can be very taboo, but it's necessary sometimes whether some zealot is SCREAMING ABOUT IT or not.

Our rights have become too fucked with in this country. We've got the religious right claiming that their rights are being infringed upon by being told that kids at school might not be allowed to call other kids fags or dykes or sluts or to kill themselves, because evidently that's what God is telling kids to do at school these days. Or birth control. We've got religious business owners whinging in one breath about how having an insurance policy available to employees that includes access to birth control kicks their freedom of religion in the groin while yelling about Sharia law in the United States in the next. Y'know what sounds a lot like Sharia law?? Anti-choice politics. We've got these militant stand-your-ground motherfuckers that are so standing their ground that they're willing to threaten to shoot someone who is being rude in Little Cesar's. We've got women being arrested when a man beats her. Pregnant women being arrested for miscarrying. My grandma used to say that your rights end where the next person's nose begins, but that does not appear to be the case anymore. And that's a huge problem.

We're violent, we're opinionated, and we're opinionated to the point of violence, and that is how American society is seen in this world. Seriously, I have friends in Canada, Australia and the UK and they've asked me to “explain this shit.” And that's a direct quote. It's embarrassing!!

So, while I respect the Second Amendment, I don't get the whole gun thing. I know this is just my opinion, which is fine, but what is the deal?? Some of these people are so intense about it. Are they bored?? What's going on that they are so exuberant over not just their rights but their inanimate objects that were designed to kill?? I mean, YELLING ON THE INTERNET people. They're a large part of why guns scare me: guns don't scare me nearly as much as these people with guns scare me.

It's about race.

Honestly, I don't feel like I can lend a whole lot to the topic. I hear people saying that if we stopped talking about racism that there would be no more racism, but really all that solves is white people having to think about racism. We have the privilege of not dealing with it every day. And I do see discrimination when I look around at all manner of people. Sometimes it's about me, being a low-income single mom, but most often it's being directed at someone else. That doesn't make it easy for me to watch. George Zimmerman discriminated against Trayvon Martin because of his race. He was a young, black kid so he must be a thug. I see stuff like this and it makes me fucking sick. I'll never be a young, African-American man, so I can't speak to that experience, and I know that somewhere in our souls we've all felt the sting of some form of discrimination (racism, classism, sexism, etc). It sucks, and yet we keep on doing it to each other. Some people are so butthurt that the president is a black man who dares address the subject of race ever to the point that they think he hates white people. Without a map to follow that logic, I'm lost. We're too into ourselves sometimes, and we don't see what's happening around us. Again, I think that's why we do things like hoard weapons, worry that someone is going to get us, and become so overtly wary of others that we openly practice discrimination in many, many forms.

There's also this genus of (usually white conservative) people that argue about why Trayvon Martin is more important than other victims of violence. And he's not. Some people become the Face Guy for a cause, or an issue. Guy Fawkes wasn't the nicest person ever, and he's the Face Guy (pun intended) for Anonymous. Of course Baby Santiago is important. Of course Oscar Grant is important. Hadiya Pendleton is important. Matthew Sheperd is important. Malala Yusefzai is important. They become a symbol of how innocent people can be, and are repeatedly, victimized by violent, irresponsible, hateful people. They're hardly the only ones. Maybe I missed a memo, but I am not aware of anyone that cares more about Trayvon Martin than Jordan Russell. We're just more aware of one. We applaud Malala for being brave, for being a hero, because she is, but she's hardly the only young woman to be victimized by the Taliban. Violence is violence is violence, and it's everywhere. It doesn't have a race, or a gender, or a nationality, or a religion, though sometimes the people that we see as representations of said violence are women, minorities, foreigners, gay or lesbian, etc.

If President Barack Obama stood at a podium and gave a memorial to every individual that was a victim of violence in the US, he would never do anything else. That would be his job. That's how much violence we have. Not that one person matters more than another. I know that this is a difficult concept for some people.

And we blame “the media,” which is ridonkulous because in this day and age we participate in media. We are media. We imbibe in it every day. We take to social media to bitch about how the media sucks.

Too many people are too violent, and too many of us are standing back making excuses for them. Trayvon smoked a little weed shortly before his death, and posted thuggish photos on social media. So I guess when I drink and wear revealing clothing that I deserve violence, too?? I know there are people that think this way, and it would be most rad if they picked their knuckles up off the ground and used their brain before their mouth, but some folks can't operate more than one body part at a time.

It's about young people.

That's how young people act online. There is a huge generation gap between some kids Trayvon's age and some of their parents, and that's another issue. But it does not make kids who maybe make questionable choices deserving of a violent death. If it did, pretty much all of my friends and I would have been picked off years ago.

I don't know what the solution is. Honestly, Trayvon looked like a kid my daughter would be friends with. And, chances are, he was. Why is that so frightening to some people?? I just don't understand it. I think that too many people are totally insensitive to the fact that a young man was murdered in a culture of senseless violence. My heart breaks for his parents every time I hear some jackwagon like Ted Nugent say that Trayvon got what he deserved. What a horrible thing to say!! I can't even wrap my head around it, but there it is: everywhere. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Body Love

Being the current events junkie that I am, I’ve been reading a lot of articles about rape culture and the kind of body shaming that can go along with it where victims are concerned, especially women and girls. It hits me in a strange way because I have a teen daughter who is, shall we say, not ashamed of her body. I have to admit that after growing up uncomfortable un my own skin, thinking for years that I was ugly, having been picked on for being small, for having boobs that were too big, for having hairy legs, or whatever, I don’t want my child to grow up hating her body. As far as I’m concerned she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and should feel good in her skin.

The only issue I have is this: she likes to dress somewhat provocatively. I wouldn’t classify her as an exhibitionist; that description comes with the connotation that she dresses the way she does for attention. I think she’s just comfortable as she is and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. She ran around naked all the time as a baby. Her dad used to take her to the beach in just a bathing suit bottom because he didn’t want her to have a tan line. She’s just always been kind of naked. I don’t find nudity especially disgraceful or disgusting, the way some people do, but she is just a kid. I want to give her the freedom to dress however she wants, but I admit that I’m not comfortable with my teen traipsing around in public in shorts where her bum sticks out the bottom. So I’m kind of at an impasse. She has a tendency to hear what she thinks I said rather than what I did say, and if I say “you’re not grown enough to wear those shorts,” I don’t want her to hear “put your body away. You have no business showing it.” I don’t want to body-shame her into wearing whatever everyone else in the world wants to see her in, but now that she’s growing up and changing her style to be more provocative than perhaps a teen should be, I do have to set some boundaries. But I don’t want her to think it’s because she’s gross or unattractive, and I’m concerned that that’s how she’ll take whatever I say to her.

My mother-in-law said to me that “some dirty old man is going to think she’s asking for it,” which makes me sick to my stomach. If a dirty old man thinks that about a child that is not yet sixteen then that’s what makes him a dirty old man. That’s rape culture talking. She could be wearing a parka and still be raped. Would she be asking for it then?? Or only on warm days when she wears shorts?? What rapists and pedos and abusers think and do is what makes them what they are: not what a woman wears. I sure as shit don’t want to tell my daughter that she’s responsible for what “dirty old men” think of her. By all means, she should be aware that there are people out there that are like that, but it’s not her fault if they do something bad.

Anyway, it’s the last week at school. I know they have some manner of a dress code there, and she’s got her last finals to keep her busy, but after the end of this week I have to have a whole new body talk with her, and I’m not sure how to do it without sounding like I’m telling her that her body is somehow inappropriate, although there is a time and a place for a bare butt, and I don’t want to give her the message that whatever nasty people say or do or think of how she looks is not her fault.

Quandary . . .

The Skinny Girls vs. The Fat Girls

I’ve been trying to write about this subject for a long time. As someone who has lived to see thirty years as thin, curvy, and athletic, most people tell me I have absolutely no business commenting on “fat women.” Well, too damn bad, because we all have to live in these bodies we’ve been given.

I have a hard time reconciling this culture of fat hatred with my own life experiences. I mean, it really pisses me off when people make fun of my fat friends; when people are cruel because they don’t like the way someone looks. It’s really scummy and shitty, and I’m pretty sure most of us have called someone fat just because they pissed us off or hurt our feelings. I know I have, and it makes me feel bad to think about now. If you wanna throw shade, I mean really throw shade. If you can’t do any better than to insult someone about their weight, then what are you even doing?? You suck at this game. But I’ve seen those deep wounds that bubble to the surface when a word that should be nothing more than a descriptor is used as a weapon, and I choose not to do that anymore. To put someone down because of their appearance is petty, especially when it’s attached to who you are as a person. Like someone can, or would even want to, change their size to be beautiful to some obnoxious asshole who can’t even be bothered to come up with a real insult. But when people call us those names, it can, and it does hurt.

As women, we’re socialized young to appreciate pretty things, and to appreciate being pretty, and the most ubiquitous message we receive is that thin equals beauty. I figure that in some ways that’s fine: being thin can be a beautiful thing. But it’s surely not the only thing, and to believe that it is can do more harm than good. It’s refreshing to see so many people embracing the kinds of grassroots media that we have now that celebrate beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, heights, weights, races, ethnicities, abilities, intellects. It wasn’t that long ago that athletic women weren’t considered sexy. Now we have entire media outlets dedicated to women who are beautiful and talented and hard-working athletes. As a short, skinny, curvy girl, I love that women with bodies like Kim K. and Christina Hendricks are considered beautiful. They have big boobs and broad shoulders and small waists like me. I think Christina Aguilera looks freaking fierce with curves. After years of eating disorders and self-harm, Demi Lovato has grown into a very beautiful, curvaceous woman. Don’t even get me started on Mindy Kaling. We’ll be here all day.

So why can’t I think of myself the same way??

In magazines and on tv, we see rail-thin women who look as tall as skyscrapers being glorified as icons of beauty and femininity. In real life, skinny girls are picked on, too. Maybe that’s why so many of us fell onto that destructive bandwagon as kids, teasing the fat girls. I remember being poked and pinched and having people comment on my weight my entire life. It made me uncomfortable. People accused me of having eating disorders, because apparently a woman or a girl can’t just be thin: there must be something wrong with her. It’s insulting when people comment on what, when, or how much a heavier woman eats, or to grab her body and tell her to lose some weight, right to her face. Why isn’t it more widely considered just as insulting to do the same thing to thin women, telling them to eat something, or that they exercise too much, or whatever?? Because it is insulting. It’s like unless you fall into some demarcated Supermodel category of being thin, then you’re weird and must be examined. I don’t want to sound like that crazy workout lady in California, whinging about the plight of unfortunate, put-upon skinny girls. I’m not going to try and get all “poor me” on y’all, but in this way we do have a culture of thin hatred, as well.

If you’re fat, there’s something wrong with you. If you’re skinny, there’s something wrong with you.

You know what?? Go fuck yourself!! These messages make us envious and suspicious of other women for absolutely no good reason, and it needs to stop.

I don’t even know how much light I can shed on the subject because no one wants a thin woman’s opinion; like skinny girls are just for decoration. We’re just garnish and don’t need to have thoughts or insecurities or life experiences. That kind of shit just draws lines between women who actually do have things in common. I don’t know whether these negative mainstream media outlets are trying to shame us into all being the same size so we’re easier to figure out or if society is trying to keep women fighting with each other so we won’t noticed when we’re being treated badly: when our rights are being taken away, when we’re being shamed and blamed and guilt-tripped, or when we experience institutionalized sexism, racism, violence, or poverty. It’s like as long as we’re busy trying to be hotter-than-thou we’ll be too busy to notice income inequality, or the fact that the Violence Against Women Act went buh-bye, or when crusty old white male politicians try to tell us what we may or may not do with our own bodies. We won’t notice when we’re being slut-shamed, or like we’ll think it’s cute and funny when we’re objectified as nothing more than sex toys for men.

I’m hot, so who cares??

Dude.

That’s horrifying.

Feeling beautiful on the outside is difficult enough in this world. As I turned 30 and my body began to change, it was such a culture shock for me. I’ve always been skinny. WTF?!?! I mean, now I’m a whole entire size 7, so wah, right?? But the transformation was so foreign that it made me feel ugly; dare I say, fat. Not that I AM fat and I should be ashamed of myself, or whatever. Just feeling so different from the skinny I’ve always been. And then my friends who actually are overweight get all up-in-arms and say “well, if you’re fat then what am I?” And then there’s no way I’m going to be heard. I’ve been shut down. They don’t know how beautiful I think they are and how out of place I feel, like I’m walking around in someone else’s body; that what I feel has nothing to do with how I see them.

One of my best friends growing up is a self-proclaimed “fat chick.” She used to say, in a not-so-complimentary tone, that I was “perfect.” It made me so self-conscious when she would do that, like now I have to be perfect. And I thought the world of her. She has great skin and the kind of long, thick hair most women would kill for. She never had braces and yet she has the most perfect smile. She has this laugh that is so booming and infections that just being in the same room with her makes you want to laugh, too. And she has a big, fat ass. And if you insult her for it, I would soundly kick yours up and down the street for an hour.

So, how did we get here?? How did we get so resentful of one another?? What’s more, how can we get out into something more welcoming and constructive??

In Jamaica, the word “fat” is used as an adjective. I know they use it as an insult, as well, but you hear someone describe some as big and fat and you can tell they’re just describing that person’s appearance, not commenting on their physical beauty or lack thereof. A child came walking up the road one morning looking for her mother. When we asked what her mother looked like she said, without any hint of meanness in her voice, “she’s a big, fat woman.” And we laughed at that. And now I think about it and how demeaning that would be in our culture.

So, I don’t know what the universal solution is. Self-love is so hard to accomplish, for all of us. Even Supermodels and Rhodes Scholars and humanitarians have insecurities. I guess that as an individual what I can contribute is to try to love myself as I am, make improvements as needed, and be nice to other women.

To wrap this up, I have a question for you: have you ever noticed that the people who say that they’re perfect and fabulous all the time are the most asinine people to be around.

Thank you, and good-night.

Why I'm Not a Grammar Nazi Anymore

I used to be one of those Grammar Nazis. I had no patience for what appeared to me to be other people’s stupidity and complete disregard for language. Eventually I realized that there were a few flaws in my logic and considerations to be made therein.

Now, most recently I’ve struggled with math. I mean, I have for years, but it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Most recently I managed to flunk out of college 3 credits away from receiving my Bachelor’s degree in communications because I can’t do algebra. And people don’t understand math illiteracy, and they can be unintentionally mean about it. People who are bad at math are treated like idiots. Hey, before I tanked my grades by doing poorly in math, I was getting mostly As and Bs. And it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, because I have access to resources and have had amazing rock star tutors and great teachers. But you put a problem in front of me and try to get me to remember which g.d. formula I need to use to solve it, you may as well be asking me to translate the Bhagavad Gita.

And so, through all my trials and tribulations of taking and failing college-level math an unprecedented nine times, it got me to thinking about people and writing. Are people who aren’t good at writing just automatically stupid?? I don’t like being treated like I’m stupid because I struggle with math, so why would I treat someone else badly because they struggle with writing??

I once got an email from a young woman who was working for me at the time, and I’ll be damned if the entire thing wasn’t in textese. I had to say to her, “sweets, I’m your boss. I love you and I love that we’re friends, too, but in a professional environment you should write like the educated young person you are.” She was not then, nor is she now, a stupid person. She was young and misjudged what would be appropriate. Some of the most intelligent people I’ve met are dyslexic, and as such they’re absolutely terrible at spelling and grammar. What, am I going to put them down and insult their intelligence because they forget which one is “there” and which is “their??” Hell no. That would be mean a.f. There was another woman I got to know in an online classroom who struggled with English a great deal, and I probably would have thought she was a complete dumbass if I didn’t know that English was her fifth language. Fifth!! Okay, she gets a pass for even being able to take, let alone do well in, college credits in her fifth language. Mistakes or no mistakes, my hat is off. We had a chuckle now and then over some of her sillier blunders, but it would be shitty of anyone to flat out make fun of her or put her on blast for being stupid. Just the fact that she speaks five languages proves she’s not stupid.

Sometimes it will drive me crazy when I’m in a class with someone who just comes across as clueless as to their mistakes. We all make typos, and that’s one thing. However, when you’re in a 400-level college course and haven’t figured out how to use spell check, you come across looking like an idiot. And I admit, I’ve made mistakes and made myself look like an idiot. None of us are immune. I’m a decent enough writer and I still can’t remember which one is “effect” and which is “affect.” I have to look it up every time. I think we all have our things, but do they really make us stupid??