Some people seem like they are perpetually happy. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but those kinds of people don't understand those of us that aren't. Some people can pull themselves out of a rut with a smile and plucky attitude, but not everyone is like that. And you can't explain it to them. I don't know if they think that they can make themselves happy so everyone else should be able to, as well. They don't understand that when a highly sensitive person experiences something, good or bad, it's exhausting. When it's good it's very, very good and when it's bad it's horrid. That's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that, and unpacking it for people that have no intention of understanding is difficult at best, torturous at worst.
When I told my friend Blue that I'd been dealing with anxiety and depression and was on medication for it he said, “really?? I didn't think you were that kind of person.” That threw me. What kind of person?? A depressed person?? A crazy person?? A person that can't deal with reality?? A person that takes corporate drugs?? What kind of person am I to him now?? What does being “that kind of person” entail in his mind?? It struck my curiosity, but it also stung a little. He's very laid back and earthy, and I'm kind of intense and loner-ish with a wicked case of Bitchy Resting Face. It makes me wonder how people see me now that I talk about the issues I've had. Maybe it was just more convenient for everyone else when I didn't?? It sure as shit wasn't convenient for me. Hiding hurts. Evidently so does being honest.
Another friend, Eduardo, is just such a happy-go-lucky dude, and he constantly radiates positive energy. Most of the time it's great. He's so much fun. He's so friendly. It's so easy to like him and to be around him, except when you're depressed. His “everybody get happy” attitude becomes draining. When you're depressed, even just moderately depressed, you're not just in a bad mood. It's not just a funk or a grumpy day. Your brain chemistry is fuckin' with you hard core. You know you should be able to shake off a few bad days, or even bad weeks, but what my friend Ellie refers to as her “brain monkeys” won't let you. Things stop seeming as important. Your blood boils or freezes for no reason. That part of your mind slowly goes dark, and it becomes increasingly difficult to remember a time when you weren't depressed. The worst part is when you know that what you're feeling isn't rational but you cannot, for the life of you, figure out how to change it.
So when Robin passed away, the deluge of negativity about people with depression (suicidal or otherwise) was intense. I was balls deep in a depressive episode, and when I saw some of the things my friends posted about how fucked up people that are depressed and/or suicidal are and that they should just get over themselves. We're selfish, because everyone has problems. Don't we know that?? How can we just think about ourselves like that?? And what's with the pills?? Maybe when a normie has problems they should just take pills to make it go away, too?? That'll just, like, solve everything.
It's a chore to explain that the pills regulate the levels of serotonin in our brains, which is often the thing making us depressed. They're not magic, and for a lot of people they're a last resort. Diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, relaxation, therapy, teas, steams, long walks, good books, amazing friends; they're all great, but they don't always change your brain chemistry enough to make you “better.” It's not their fault any more than it is a depressed or anxious person. If anything, depressed and/or anxious people feel guilty for all the things they're grateful for not being enough to take the “brain monkeys” away. The anxiety pills are to stop an attack in progress, because happy thoughts are not enough. I want to tell people that if they've never experienced a panic attack then don't act like you know something you don't. It's terrifying. It's physically and mentally debilitating. The level of insensitivity of a person that tells someone with anxiety to “just calm down,” is astounding to me.
One friend in particular, Shasta, had a great deal to say online about the selfishness of depressed / suicidal people. I've only ever known her to be a sweet, amazing, intelligent, affable, lovable person, so it took me by surprise that she had such vitriol in her. She's one of those preternaturally happy people, so for her to get angry about something like another person's mental state was equal parts shocking and infuriating. To hear this nice person tearing down people that are in a bad place changed my perception of her a little bit. This woman is usually so openly loving and accepting of pretty much everyone. For her to have so much wrath for the depressed and/or suicidal struck me as . . . confusing. I made the mistake of trying to engage with her a little bit, just to have a conversation. Her response was something to the effect of “I guess I just have too much to live for.” What a thoughtful thing to say to someone that has just opened up to you about their experience with depression. Is she insinuating that people that are depressed don't have much to live for?? I don't know. That kind of callousness, especially from someone that is usually as caring as she is, made me sad. It's one of those things that shutters people with depression. When I'm depressed I isolate. Her response to what I had to say is a shining example of why.
This leaves me at an impasse. You can't force anyone to listen, or to communicate, or to understand. I wish I could, but I can't make people think. Some people are just going to be insensitive and think they know about things that they don't. It's how life is. And the more depressed people, or anyone on the spectrum of mental illness, feel like they need to shut up, the more they do – and the more depressed they become. For something as common as anxiety, depression, or even just being a highly-sensitive person, when you're shit on for it and made to feel weak and silly, a lot of the time we do just shut up. No one wants to hear it, so we clam up. We shut down. And that makes it all worse.
I don't know what the solution is. I do my best as a person that has experienced depression and anxiety and sensitivity to be honest and open as I feel comfortable with, to keep my weird moods in check as much as I can, and to be thoughtful about how, when, and why I communicate with others about what's going on. That's all I can do. Of course, I wish people would extend the same courtesy to me, but no one can make another person do that. I do wish more people would.
Names have been changed to protect the privacy of pretty much everyone.
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