1,000 Words on Carlotta Ferlito

I'd like to address the allegations of racism made against 18-year-old Italian gymnast, Carlotta Ferlito. It's received some mainstream press in the United States; not just on the “gymternet.” Following the balance beam final at the World Championships last Sunday Ms. Ferlito, who finished in 5th place, was quoted as saying "I told (teammate Vanessa Ferrari) that next time we should also paint our skin black so then we can win, too." Her comment was meant to be funny, but was not seen as so by the individual at which it was pointed: African American gymnast and newly-crowned World All-Around Champion and bronze medalist on the beam, Simone Biles. Or by pretty much anyone else, for that matter.

Now, I agree that what she said comes across as racist. However, she has publicly apologized to Ms. Biles and admitted that what she said was wrong. I'm the kind of person that is all in favor of second chances. One rude comment does not an inherent racist make. I know I've made stupid comments that hurt people's feeling before. I was fortunate enough to have not made them on an international livestream. She was trying to be funny and it backfired. I think we've all experienced the consequences of that in our lives, and I think Ms. Ferlito should be forgiven.

I'd been secretly wondering when some of the women gymnasts that have been around for a while were going to get sick of having their asses handed to them by little black girls from the United States. As an American gymnast, coach, gym parent, and fan, I am a huge fan of Simone Biles and Gabrielle Douglas, but I have seen them come out of nowhere onto the international scene and clean house. Of course, so did Carly Patterson and Jordyn Wieber. It remains to be seen whether that pissed anybody off, although Ms. Ferlito also stated publicly that she feels like the judges protect the American gymnasts and make sure they win. I'm also a big fan of the Italian gymnasts and their unique style and sass, but this could have less to do with abject racism and more to do with poor sportsmanship.

In the wake of her disappointing finish just four days ago, Ms. Ferlito also tweeted that Ms. Biles had done a bad job and that she did not deserve her medal. The fact of the matter is that no one had the routine of their life on beam that day. The favorite, Romania's Larisa Iorache, fell and the underdog, Russia's Aliya Mustafina won, and everyone in between did okay. It's true that Simone Biles was shaky and nearly took a bite out of the end of the beam on her dismount, but on a day when no one is quite 100% that's all it takes. There were scoring inquiries filed on behalf of both American gymnasts, Ms. Biles and “Fierce Five” member Kyla Ross. I thought this was to be expected. This is a new Olympic cycle and a brand new code of points. This is the season for controversy in gymnastics. And while I understand that the way things panned out for Ms. Ferlito was disappointing for her, the way she handled herself even outside of the potentially-racist comment she made was out of line.

In any case, I've only done a small amount of reading on the subject, but I know that there are African-Italian people in Italy. Other than knowing that they exist, I have no further idea of what racial and ethnic diversity is like in Italy. Her life experience may be one where her exposure to black people is limited, thereby causing her to speak out of ignorance rather than of racism. I hope that this is a learning experience for her and that she will be able to be more culturally sensitive in the future.

When you're a good person, it's difficult to have people think of you in the context as the worst thing you've ever done. If she takes from this experience a life lesson, then I see no reason not to forgive her her trespasses. If she does it again?? Then I'll call her a racist.

Just to make sure things got worse, a spokesman from the Italian Gymnastics Federation decided to jump in the hole and start digging. On the IGF Facebook page, one Mr. David Ciaralli defended Ms. Ferlito in a way that smacks of unfettered hubris and racism. What he should have said was “sorry.” What he did was delve into an unnecessary and insensitive analysis of the body types and abilities of people of African decent, like he's some kind of anthropologist. The whole thing read like a Tea Party politician mansplaining why white people are different from “colored” people. As it turns out, he had to apologize, as well. Frankly, Ms. Ferlito's bad joke was small potatoes when contrasted with the asinine diatribe offered by this stooge. And, yes. Sometimes people make mistakes. But it's much easier to forgive a younger person that said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment than a grown-ass man who had the time to sit and think about what he wrote and posted on the internet. All he managed to do was make the whole kerfuffle worse.

I don't like seeing my beloved sport embroiled in this kind of controversy. One of the things gymnastics is supposed to teach its participants is sportsmanship: how to show support for the other competitors and how to win – and lose – graciously and gracefully. It's a shame when things don't go down this way, especially when it becomes an international public spectacle. It's embarrassing and it's bad for business.

So, Ms. Biles, your parents were right: don't let what's happened this week ruin this moment for you. You've worked hard, you did your job, and the rest is in the hands of the judges. Ms. Ferlito, let this experience make you a better person and teach you to think before you speak. Mr. Ciaralli, please never post anything on the internet ever again.

Violence: Why We Are Trayvon

There are a myriad of reasons why the murder, the trial, the circumstances, and the verdict of the Trayvon Martin case matter and why everyone should care. I think it's difficult for some people because the issue becomes about race, or about guns, or about violence, or about young people, when it's all of that and more. I think we, as a society, get too bogged down in our thoughts on one subject and when things like this happen we're polarized by it because it's all about one thing. Sandy Hook is another good example of this, but that's not what I've been thinking about today.

It's about guns.

We have some laws concerning weapons and firearms in this country that are janky as hell. Some say we're not enforcing the laws we have; to which I say then we need to be doing something other than what we're doing. Some say our laws aren't strict enough; to which I say we need to be doing something other than what we're doing. Some say that having laws concerning weapons and firearms is treading on our Second Amendment rights; to which I say deal. With rights come responsibilities, and some of these crazy-ass people wailing about their rights really should check themselves.

Now, I'm afraid of guns. I'm also afraid of cold water, dead things, and militant republicans, but I do not like guns. I understand that I have the right to keep and bear arms, and I think that's a beautiful thing. However, I like to drink and have a bad temper, and my temper does not need a loaded firearm. That's just me. I have the right to choose not to be armed, and I like having that right, too. Just because we can do something does not mean it is a good idea, and there are folks whose arguments (usually ARGUMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that I've read and heard about that make me wish more people thought critically about maybe not being armed. ARE THESE REALLY THE PEOPLE WE WANT HAVING ACCESS TO WEAPONS?? THE ALL-CAPS PEOPLE?? Are they pissed, or do they just type loud?? They can be scarier than an unarmed black child.

Seriously, folks. Just because you can does not mean you must, and just because some people want there to be open, forthright discussion regarding who, when, and why individuals carry does not mean that you'll no longer be able to bring a loaded pink gun to the country club like Whitney on Big, Rich Texas. I know I would do something stupid like drop my loaded gun and have it hit some innocent person who is just buying groceries. I'd be the dipshit you read about that blows a hole in the bottom of her purse and shoots a friend's kneecap off. So, I don't carry firearms. I'm just sayin' that sometimes I wish more people would examine why they exercise their rights rather than just doing so because they can. We also have freedom of speech; doesn't mean we should not consider the ramifications of the things we say. Ya dig??

Now, I'm not a constitutional scholar, but wasn't the thing written so that we could change it in the future?? Isn't that why we have amendments in the first place?? I'm not trying to go off on a didactic tangent like I know something everyone else doesn't, but come on. Let's get real: there are people who are simply not responsible enough to legally keep and bear arms. As the great Judy Tenuta once said, “wear sleeveless gowns.” If you're too irresponsible to operate a motor vehicle you lose your license. If you're too irresponsible to take care of your kids they get taken away from you. Maybe I'm cray-cray, but should the same not be true for firearms??

Especially military-style ones, but perhaps that's another subject for another time. What's the problem with telling people no?? I understand that some people don't like the word no, and that saying no can be very taboo, but it's necessary sometimes whether some zealot is SCREAMING ABOUT IT or not.

Our rights have become too fucked with in this country. We've got the religious right claiming that their rights are being infringed upon by being told that kids at school might not be allowed to call other kids fags or dykes or sluts or to kill themselves, because evidently that's what God is telling kids to do at school these days. Or birth control. We've got religious business owners whinging in one breath about how having an insurance policy available to employees that includes access to birth control kicks their freedom of religion in the groin while yelling about Sharia law in the United States in the next. Y'know what sounds a lot like Sharia law?? Anti-choice politics. We've got these militant stand-your-ground motherfuckers that are so standing their ground that they're willing to threaten to shoot someone who is being rude in Little Cesar's. We've got women being arrested when a man beats her. Pregnant women being arrested for miscarrying. My grandma used to say that your rights end where the next person's nose begins, but that does not appear to be the case anymore. And that's a huge problem.

We're violent, we're opinionated, and we're opinionated to the point of violence, and that is how American society is seen in this world. Seriously, I have friends in Canada, Australia and the UK and they've asked me to “explain this shit.” And that's a direct quote. It's embarrassing!!

So, while I respect the Second Amendment, I don't get the whole gun thing. I know this is just my opinion, which is fine, but what is the deal?? Some of these people are so intense about it. Are they bored?? What's going on that they are so exuberant over not just their rights but their inanimate objects that were designed to kill?? I mean, YELLING ON THE INTERNET people. They're a large part of why guns scare me: guns don't scare me nearly as much as these people with guns scare me.

It's about race.

Honestly, I don't feel like I can lend a whole lot to the topic. I hear people saying that if we stopped talking about racism that there would be no more racism, but really all that solves is white people having to think about racism. We have the privilege of not dealing with it every day. And I do see discrimination when I look around at all manner of people. Sometimes it's about me, being a low-income single mom, but most often it's being directed at someone else. That doesn't make it easy for me to watch. George Zimmerman discriminated against Trayvon Martin because of his race. He was a young, black kid so he must be a thug. I see stuff like this and it makes me fucking sick. I'll never be a young, African-American man, so I can't speak to that experience, and I know that somewhere in our souls we've all felt the sting of some form of discrimination (racism, classism, sexism, etc). It sucks, and yet we keep on doing it to each other. Some people are so butthurt that the president is a black man who dares address the subject of race ever to the point that they think he hates white people. Without a map to follow that logic, I'm lost. We're too into ourselves sometimes, and we don't see what's happening around us. Again, I think that's why we do things like hoard weapons, worry that someone is going to get us, and become so overtly wary of others that we openly practice discrimination in many, many forms.

There's also this genus of (usually white conservative) people that argue about why Trayvon Martin is more important than other victims of violence. And he's not. Some people become the Face Guy for a cause, or an issue. Guy Fawkes wasn't the nicest person ever, and he's the Face Guy (pun intended) for Anonymous. Of course Baby Santiago is important. Of course Oscar Grant is important. Hadiya Pendleton is important. Matthew Sheperd is important. Malala Yusefzai is important. They become a symbol of how innocent people can be, and are repeatedly, victimized by violent, irresponsible, hateful people. They're hardly the only ones. Maybe I missed a memo, but I am not aware of anyone that cares more about Trayvon Martin than Jordan Russell. We're just more aware of one. We applaud Malala for being brave, for being a hero, because she is, but she's hardly the only young woman to be victimized by the Taliban. Violence is violence is violence, and it's everywhere. It doesn't have a race, or a gender, or a nationality, or a religion, though sometimes the people that we see as representations of said violence are women, minorities, foreigners, gay or lesbian, etc.

If President Barack Obama stood at a podium and gave a memorial to every individual that was a victim of violence in the US, he would never do anything else. That would be his job. That's how much violence we have. Not that one person matters more than another. I know that this is a difficult concept for some people.

And we blame “the media,” which is ridonkulous because in this day and age we participate in media. We are media. We imbibe in it every day. We take to social media to bitch about how the media sucks.

Too many people are too violent, and too many of us are standing back making excuses for them. Trayvon smoked a little weed shortly before his death, and posted thuggish photos on social media. So I guess when I drink and wear revealing clothing that I deserve violence, too?? I know there are people that think this way, and it would be most rad if they picked their knuckles up off the ground and used their brain before their mouth, but some folks can't operate more than one body part at a time.

It's about young people.

That's how young people act online. There is a huge generation gap between some kids Trayvon's age and some of their parents, and that's another issue. But it does not make kids who maybe make questionable choices deserving of a violent death. If it did, pretty much all of my friends and I would have been picked off years ago.

I don't know what the solution is. Honestly, Trayvon looked like a kid my daughter would be friends with. And, chances are, he was. Why is that so frightening to some people?? I just don't understand it. I think that too many people are totally insensitive to the fact that a young man was murdered in a culture of senseless violence. My heart breaks for his parents every time I hear some jackwagon like Ted Nugent say that Trayvon got what he deserved. What a horrible thing to say!! I can't even wrap my head around it, but there it is: everywhere. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Body Love

Being the current events junkie that I am, I’ve been reading a lot of articles about rape culture and the kind of body shaming that can go along with it where victims are concerned, especially women and girls. It hits me in a strange way because I have a teen daughter who is, shall we say, not ashamed of her body. I have to admit that after growing up uncomfortable un my own skin, thinking for years that I was ugly, having been picked on for being small, for having boobs that were too big, for having hairy legs, or whatever, I don’t want my child to grow up hating her body. As far as I’m concerned she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and should feel good in her skin.

The only issue I have is this: she likes to dress somewhat provocatively. I wouldn’t classify her as an exhibitionist; that description comes with the connotation that she dresses the way she does for attention. I think she’s just comfortable as she is and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. She ran around naked all the time as a baby. Her dad used to take her to the beach in just a bathing suit bottom because he didn’t want her to have a tan line. She’s just always been kind of naked. I don’t find nudity especially disgraceful or disgusting, the way some people do, but she is just a kid. I want to give her the freedom to dress however she wants, but I admit that I’m not comfortable with my teen traipsing around in public in shorts where her bum sticks out the bottom. So I’m kind of at an impasse. She has a tendency to hear what she thinks I said rather than what I did say, and if I say “you’re not grown enough to wear those shorts,” I don’t want her to hear “put your body away. You have no business showing it.” I don’t want to body-shame her into wearing whatever everyone else in the world wants to see her in, but now that she’s growing up and changing her style to be more provocative than perhaps a teen should be, I do have to set some boundaries. But I don’t want her to think it’s because she’s gross or unattractive, and I’m concerned that that’s how she’ll take whatever I say to her.

My mother-in-law said to me that “some dirty old man is going to think she’s asking for it,” which makes me sick to my stomach. If a dirty old man thinks that about a child that is not yet sixteen then that’s what makes him a dirty old man. That’s rape culture talking. She could be wearing a parka and still be raped. Would she be asking for it then?? Or only on warm days when she wears shorts?? What rapists and pedos and abusers think and do is what makes them what they are: not what a woman wears. I sure as shit don’t want to tell my daughter that she’s responsible for what “dirty old men” think of her. By all means, she should be aware that there are people out there that are like that, but it’s not her fault if they do something bad.

Anyway, it’s the last week at school. I know they have some manner of a dress code there, and she’s got her last finals to keep her busy, but after the end of this week I have to have a whole new body talk with her, and I’m not sure how to do it without sounding like I’m telling her that her body is somehow inappropriate, although there is a time and a place for a bare butt, and I don’t want to give her the message that whatever nasty people say or do or think of how she looks is not her fault.

Quandary . . .

The Skinny Girls vs. The Fat Girls

I’ve been trying to write about this subject for a long time. As someone who has lived to see thirty years as thin, curvy, and athletic, most people tell me I have absolutely no business commenting on “fat women.” Well, too damn bad, because we all have to live in these bodies we’ve been given.

I have a hard time reconciling this culture of fat hatred with my own life experiences. I mean, it really pisses me off when people make fun of my fat friends; when people are cruel because they don’t like the way someone looks. It’s really scummy and shitty, and I’m pretty sure most of us have called someone fat just because they pissed us off or hurt our feelings. I know I have, and it makes me feel bad to think about now. If you wanna throw shade, I mean really throw shade. If you can’t do any better than to insult someone about their weight, then what are you even doing?? You suck at this game. But I’ve seen those deep wounds that bubble to the surface when a word that should be nothing more than a descriptor is used as a weapon, and I choose not to do that anymore. To put someone down because of their appearance is petty, especially when it’s attached to who you are as a person. Like someone can, or would even want to, change their size to be beautiful to some obnoxious asshole who can’t even be bothered to come up with a real insult. But when people call us those names, it can, and it does hurt.

As women, we’re socialized young to appreciate pretty things, and to appreciate being pretty, and the most ubiquitous message we receive is that thin equals beauty. I figure that in some ways that’s fine: being thin can be a beautiful thing. But it’s surely not the only thing, and to believe that it is can do more harm than good. It’s refreshing to see so many people embracing the kinds of grassroots media that we have now that celebrate beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, heights, weights, races, ethnicities, abilities, intellects. It wasn’t that long ago that athletic women weren’t considered sexy. Now we have entire media outlets dedicated to women who are beautiful and talented and hard-working athletes. As a short, skinny, curvy girl, I love that women with bodies like Kim K. and Christina Hendricks are considered beautiful. They have big boobs and broad shoulders and small waists like me. I think Christina Aguilera looks freaking fierce with curves. After years of eating disorders and self-harm, Demi Lovato has grown into a very beautiful, curvaceous woman. Don’t even get me started on Mindy Kaling. We’ll be here all day.

So why can’t I think of myself the same way??

In magazines and on tv, we see rail-thin women who look as tall as skyscrapers being glorified as icons of beauty and femininity. In real life, skinny girls are picked on, too. Maybe that’s why so many of us fell onto that destructive bandwagon as kids, teasing the fat girls. I remember being poked and pinched and having people comment on my weight my entire life. It made me uncomfortable. People accused me of having eating disorders, because apparently a woman or a girl can’t just be thin: there must be something wrong with her. It’s insulting when people comment on what, when, or how much a heavier woman eats, or to grab her body and tell her to lose some weight, right to her face. Why isn’t it more widely considered just as insulting to do the same thing to thin women, telling them to eat something, or that they exercise too much, or whatever?? Because it is insulting. It’s like unless you fall into some demarcated Supermodel category of being thin, then you’re weird and must be examined. I don’t want to sound like that crazy workout lady in California, whinging about the plight of unfortunate, put-upon skinny girls. I’m not going to try and get all “poor me” on y’all, but in this way we do have a culture of thin hatred, as well.

If you’re fat, there’s something wrong with you. If you’re skinny, there’s something wrong with you.

You know what?? Go fuck yourself!! These messages make us envious and suspicious of other women for absolutely no good reason, and it needs to stop.

I don’t even know how much light I can shed on the subject because no one wants a thin woman’s opinion; like skinny girls are just for decoration. We’re just garnish and don’t need to have thoughts or insecurities or life experiences. That kind of shit just draws lines between women who actually do have things in common. I don’t know whether these negative mainstream media outlets are trying to shame us into all being the same size so we’re easier to figure out or if society is trying to keep women fighting with each other so we won’t noticed when we’re being treated badly: when our rights are being taken away, when we’re being shamed and blamed and guilt-tripped, or when we experience institutionalized sexism, racism, violence, or poverty. It’s like as long as we’re busy trying to be hotter-than-thou we’ll be too busy to notice income inequality, or the fact that the Violence Against Women Act went buh-bye, or when crusty old white male politicians try to tell us what we may or may not do with our own bodies. We won’t notice when we’re being slut-shamed, or like we’ll think it’s cute and funny when we’re objectified as nothing more than sex toys for men.

I’m hot, so who cares??

Dude.

That’s horrifying.

Feeling beautiful on the outside is difficult enough in this world. As I turned 30 and my body began to change, it was such a culture shock for me. I’ve always been skinny. WTF?!?! I mean, now I’m a whole entire size 7, so wah, right?? But the transformation was so foreign that it made me feel ugly; dare I say, fat. Not that I AM fat and I should be ashamed of myself, or whatever. Just feeling so different from the skinny I’ve always been. And then my friends who actually are overweight get all up-in-arms and say “well, if you’re fat then what am I?” And then there’s no way I’m going to be heard. I’ve been shut down. They don’t know how beautiful I think they are and how out of place I feel, like I’m walking around in someone else’s body; that what I feel has nothing to do with how I see them.

One of my best friends growing up is a self-proclaimed “fat chick.” She used to say, in a not-so-complimentary tone, that I was “perfect.” It made me so self-conscious when she would do that, like now I have to be perfect. And I thought the world of her. She has great skin and the kind of long, thick hair most women would kill for. She never had braces and yet she has the most perfect smile. She has this laugh that is so booming and infections that just being in the same room with her makes you want to laugh, too. And she has a big, fat ass. And if you insult her for it, I would soundly kick yours up and down the street for an hour.

So, how did we get here?? How did we get so resentful of one another?? What’s more, how can we get out into something more welcoming and constructive??

In Jamaica, the word “fat” is used as an adjective. I know they use it as an insult, as well, but you hear someone describe some as big and fat and you can tell they’re just describing that person’s appearance, not commenting on their physical beauty or lack thereof. A child came walking up the road one morning looking for her mother. When we asked what her mother looked like she said, without any hint of meanness in her voice, “she’s a big, fat woman.” And we laughed at that. And now I think about it and how demeaning that would be in our culture.

So, I don’t know what the universal solution is. Self-love is so hard to accomplish, for all of us. Even Supermodels and Rhodes Scholars and humanitarians have insecurities. I guess that as an individual what I can contribute is to try to love myself as I am, make improvements as needed, and be nice to other women.

To wrap this up, I have a question for you: have you ever noticed that the people who say that they’re perfect and fabulous all the time are the most asinine people to be around.

Thank you, and good-night.

Why I'm Not a Grammar Nazi Anymore

I used to be one of those Grammar Nazis. I had no patience for what appeared to me to be other people’s stupidity and complete disregard for language. Eventually I realized that there were a few flaws in my logic and considerations to be made therein.

Now, most recently I’ve struggled with math. I mean, I have for years, but it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Most recently I managed to flunk out of college 3 credits away from receiving my Bachelor’s degree in communications because I can’t do algebra. And people don’t understand math illiteracy, and they can be unintentionally mean about it. People who are bad at math are treated like idiots. Hey, before I tanked my grades by doing poorly in math, I was getting mostly As and Bs. And it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, because I have access to resources and have had amazing rock star tutors and great teachers. But you put a problem in front of me and try to get me to remember which g.d. formula I need to use to solve it, you may as well be asking me to translate the Bhagavad Gita.

And so, through all my trials and tribulations of taking and failing college-level math an unprecedented nine times, it got me to thinking about people and writing. Are people who aren’t good at writing just automatically stupid?? I don’t like being treated like I’m stupid because I struggle with math, so why would I treat someone else badly because they struggle with writing??

I once got an email from a young woman who was working for me at the time, and I’ll be damned if the entire thing wasn’t in textese. I had to say to her, “sweets, I’m your boss. I love you and I love that we’re friends, too, but in a professional environment you should write like the educated young person you are.” She was not then, nor is she now, a stupid person. She was young and misjudged what would be appropriate. Some of the most intelligent people I’ve met are dyslexic, and as such they’re absolutely terrible at spelling and grammar. What, am I going to put them down and insult their intelligence because they forget which one is “there” and which is “their??” Hell no. That would be mean a.f. There was another woman I got to know in an online classroom who struggled with English a great deal, and I probably would have thought she was a complete dumbass if I didn’t know that English was her fifth language. Fifth!! Okay, she gets a pass for even being able to take, let alone do well in, college credits in her fifth language. Mistakes or no mistakes, my hat is off. We had a chuckle now and then over some of her sillier blunders, but it would be shitty of anyone to flat out make fun of her or put her on blast for being stupid. Just the fact that she speaks five languages proves she’s not stupid.

Sometimes it will drive me crazy when I’m in a class with someone who just comes across as clueless as to their mistakes. We all make typos, and that’s one thing. However, when you’re in a 400-level college course and haven’t figured out how to use spell check, you come across looking like an idiot. And I admit, I’ve made mistakes and made myself look like an idiot. None of us are immune. I’m a decent enough writer and I still can’t remember which one is “effect” and which is “affect.” I have to look it up every time. I think we all have our things, but do they really make us stupid??