I have a hard time reconciling this culture of fat hatred with my own life experiences. I mean, it really pisses me off when people make fun of my fat friends; when people are cruel because they don’t like the way someone looks. It’s really scummy and shitty, and I’m pretty sure most of us have called someone fat just because they pissed us off or hurt our feelings. I know I have, and it makes me feel bad to think about now. If you wanna throw shade, I mean really throw shade. If you can’t do any better than to insult someone about their weight, then what are you even doing?? You suck at this game. But I’ve seen those deep wounds that bubble to the surface when a word that should be nothing more than a descriptor is used as a weapon, and I choose not to do that anymore. To put someone down because of their appearance is petty, especially when it’s attached to who you are as a person. Like someone can, or would even want to, change their size to be beautiful to some obnoxious asshole who can’t even be bothered to come up with a real insult. But when people call us those names, it can, and it does hurt.
As women, we’re socialized young to appreciate pretty things, and to appreciate being pretty, and the most ubiquitous message we receive is that thin equals beauty. I figure that in some ways that’s fine: being thin can be a beautiful thing. But it’s surely not the only thing, and to believe that it is can do more harm than good. It’s refreshing to see so many people embracing the kinds of grassroots media that we have now that celebrate beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, heights, weights, races, ethnicities, abilities, intellects. It wasn’t that long ago that athletic women weren’t considered sexy. Now we have entire media outlets dedicated to women who are beautiful and talented and hard-working athletes. As a short, skinny, curvy girl, I love that women with bodies like Kim K. and Christina Hendricks are considered beautiful. They have big boobs and broad shoulders and small waists like me. I think Christina Aguilera looks freaking fierce with curves. After years of eating disorders and self-harm, Demi Lovato has grown into a very beautiful, curvaceous woman. Don’t even get me started on Mindy Kaling. We’ll be here all day.
So why can’t I think of myself the same way??
In magazines and on tv, we see rail-thin women who look as tall as skyscrapers being glorified as icons of beauty and femininity. In real life, skinny girls are picked on, too. Maybe that’s why so many of us fell onto that destructive bandwagon as kids, teasing the fat girls. I remember being poked and pinched and having people comment on my weight my entire life. It made me uncomfortable. People accused me of having eating disorders, because apparently a woman or a girl can’t just be thin: there must be something wrong with her. It’s insulting when people comment on what, when, or how much a heavier woman eats, or to grab her body and tell her to lose some weight, right to her face. Why isn’t it more widely considered just as insulting to do the same thing to thin women, telling them to eat something, or that they exercise too much, or whatever?? Because it is insulting. It’s like unless you fall into some demarcated Supermodel category of being thin, then you’re weird and must be examined. I don’t want to sound like that crazy workout lady in California, whinging about the plight of unfortunate, put-upon skinny girls. I’m not going to try and get all “poor me” on y’all, but in this way we do have a culture of thin hatred, as well.
If you’re fat, there’s something wrong with you. If you’re skinny, there’s something wrong with you.
You know what?? Go fuck yourself!! These messages make us envious and suspicious of other women for absolutely no good reason, and it needs to stop.
I don’t even know how much light I can shed on the subject because no one wants a thin woman’s opinion; like skinny girls are just for decoration. We’re just garnish and don’t need to have thoughts or insecurities or life experiences. That kind of shit just draws lines between women who actually do have things in common. I don’t know whether these negative mainstream media outlets are trying to shame us into all being the same size so we’re easier to figure out or if society is trying to keep women fighting with each other so we won’t noticed when we’re being treated badly: when our rights are being taken away, when we’re being shamed and blamed and guilt-tripped, or when we experience institutionalized sexism, racism, violence, or poverty. It’s like as long as we’re busy trying to be hotter-than-thou we’ll be too busy to notice income inequality, or the fact that the Violence Against Women Act went buh-bye, or when crusty old white male politicians try to tell us what we may or may not do with our own bodies. We won’t notice when we’re being slut-shamed, or like we’ll think it’s cute and funny when we’re objectified as nothing more than sex toys for men.
I’m hot, so who cares??
Dude.
That’s horrifying.
Feeling beautiful on the outside is difficult enough in this world. As I turned 30 and my body began to change, it was such a culture shock for me. I’ve always been skinny. WTF?!?! I mean, now I’m a whole entire size 7, so wah, right?? But the transformation was so foreign that it made me feel ugly; dare I say, fat. Not that I AM fat and I should be ashamed of myself, or whatever. Just feeling so different from the skinny I’ve always been. And then my friends who actually are overweight get all up-in-arms and say “well, if you’re fat then what am I?” And then there’s no way I’m going to be heard. I’ve been shut down. They don’t know how beautiful I think they are and how out of place I feel, like I’m walking around in someone else’s body; that what I feel has nothing to do with how I see them.
One of my best friends growing up is a self-proclaimed “fat chick.” She used to say, in a not-so-complimentary tone, that I was “perfect.” It made me so self-conscious when she would do that, like now I have to be perfect. And I thought the world of her. She has great skin and the kind of long, thick hair most women would kill for. She never had braces and yet she has the most perfect smile. She has this laugh that is so booming and infections that just being in the same room with her makes you want to laugh, too. And she has a big, fat ass. And if you insult her for it, I would soundly kick yours up and down the street for an hour.
So, how did we get here?? How did we get so resentful of one another?? What’s more, how can we get out into something more welcoming and constructive??
In Jamaica, the word “fat” is used as an adjective. I know they use it as an insult, as well, but you hear someone describe some as big and fat and you can tell they’re just describing that person’s appearance, not commenting on their physical beauty or lack thereof. A child came walking up the road one morning looking for her mother. When we asked what her mother looked like she said, without any hint of meanness in her voice, “she’s a big, fat woman.” And we laughed at that. And now I think about it and how demeaning that would be in our culture.
So, I don’t know what the universal solution is. Self-love is so hard to accomplish, for all of us. Even Supermodels and Rhodes Scholars and humanitarians have insecurities. I guess that as an individual what I can contribute is to try to love myself as I am, make improvements as needed, and be nice to other women.
To wrap this up, I have a question for you: have you ever noticed that the people who say that they’re perfect and fabulous all the time are the most asinine people to be around.
Thank you, and good-night.
